Your Substantially Less Frequent Than Daily Dose of Danger

On Pleasant Surprises

2012-01-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well, there's not a lot to say at the moment, but I have to say that I'm learning, more and more, that quitting my job was the right decision to make (and I haven't even finished working there yet!). Just today I had a very pleasant surprise regarding a long-term substitute teaching job, and I don't think I'll even have to interview for it! Now there's a good thing, because if they interviewed me, they would probably decide that I suck (because, as I stated previously, I'm terrible at interviewing). So, that being said, things are looking up. It's things like this (and slurpees) that are just nice reminders that God loves me. That being said, I make an end in the usual way:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Bar Chords

2012-01-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a little while, I decided it was high time I posted something. As of late, (okay, like yesterday and today) I've been trying to apply myself to getting bar chords down on the guitar. I'm not sure what my holdup is. I mean, it has been almost two years since I started playing, you'd think I would be able to manage it by now. However, I still play them super slow. And, despite me asking several much more accomplished guitarist if there was a secret to bar chords (really hoping that there would be) they mostly just said that you have to practice them. Crapper. I'm pretty sure they're holding out on me and there really is a secret that I must learn someday. Oh well. That being said, I really don't have a lot to say at the moment and this is kind of a lame post. I make an end with the usual:

Classic me. This is Captain Danger out.

On 2011 (In Photos)

2012-01-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

So, one of my friends did a year in review in photos thing on her blog, and I thought that was a good idea. I, therefore, have decided to do something similar, choosing one photo from every month to post. However, since this is Your Substantially Less Frequent Than Daily Dose of Danger, it will be a little bit different. This blog is, after all, the outlet for my narcissism. Thus, every picture will be a picture of me. It's possible that I've posted some of them before. I don't really care. That being said, I give you 2011 in photos!

January:

Yeah, me with two shotguns. I am pretty amazing.

February:

"Oh, were you behind me? I was too busy snowshoeing up this hill to notice, and I couldn't hear you back there over the sound of how awesome I am."

March:

You just can't beat this picture. Analysis on why this picture is so awesome can be found here.

April:

I have a hard time imagining a more epic picture than this one.

May:

First picture with someone else in it. Meet Gavin, my partner for the majority of my adventures.

June:

So, I did a lot of awesome crap in June, but this picture wins, hands-down.

July:

This may be the coolest picture ever taken of me. I may have already said that in this post. Oh well.

August:

Proof that I have at least somewhat conquered my fear of heights, and also that I look like a superhero in a wetsuit.

September:

Part of the reason why this picture is amazing is because of the person I was with.

October:

This photo shows just how I feel about canyoneering.

November:

Um, yeah. Can I just say amazing?

December:

And yeah, you can't argue that the look on my face in this one isn't hilarious. This one is also awesome because of the person I'm with.

So, there you have it. Like I said in my last post, it was a good year. I make an end with one final picture of me, this one from 2010.

This is Captain Danger out.

On The Past Year

2011-12-30T20:13:00.000-08:00

As this blog has shifted from being about random crap to being vaguely about my life, I thought it might be good to reflect a bit on things that have happened to me in the past year. I have to say, that if I were prone to ups and downs, it would have been a year of just those things. However, now I think about it, that's probably the case for most people. I doubt anyone has years that are entirely up (though it would be kind of awesome) or all downs (which would suck really bad). Anyway, I don't do outlines or anything for my posts, so what to reflect on?

I have to say that I suffered a bit of disappointment this year. I graduated from BYU, and I learned something that I had started to expect, and that is that having a degree does not guarantee you the job you want. In fact, I have thus far found my college degree to be essentially useless, aside from the fact that I can say that I'm a trained professional when I end up teaching Sunday school on the spur of the moment. I even had pretty high hopes, and maybe even dreams, of getting a teaching job for a while, but those dreams ended up being closer to pipe dreams (not that I would know what those are like). I do, however, have some small bit of hope, nay, confidence, for this next year, and I feel that a teaching job is probably within my grasp.

I did a whole crapload of awesome stuff this last year. Nineteen canyon descents in one year is by no means a record, but it is still pretty amazing, especially considering that about four years ago I would never have seen myself as a canyoneer. I had a bit of a fear of heights, and, of course, I was pretty fat (I still am, really.). However, canyoneering has quickly become by very favorite pastime, and the more I do it the more I want. The fact that gear is expensive is a bit of a deterrent, but I can't let that stop me for long! I could also point out my occasional forays into the mountains, as well as an INSANE trip to Havasupai that, while it did leave me hobbling around like an old person for about two weeks, would still make a list of my life highlights.

I learned this year that unemployment is kind of awesome, though inconvenient in that you have no money.

In connection with teaching, I learned that I suck at interviewing. I think the time for me to ask for advice in this area has probably come, and I intend to seek that advice from trusted sources, because I'm afraid the Internet isn't very helpful. As much as I follow the advice I read there, I still suck at interviewing.

So, I'd say that about covers the things I feel like reflecting on from the past year. Though, I will say (ambiguously) that my life has hit a definite high point at the end of the year, and not from any of the aforementioned things, either. That being said, I make an end in my usual way.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Newer Friends

2011-12-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

It's kind of sad to say this just a couple days after I had another new member of my family, but say hello to the newest member of my family!

Yeah, I got another new knife for Christmas! While I liked the last knife that I got, it is a little old fashioned, and so I was very happy to get this one, which is very similar to the knife I used to have. The blade style is different, but it's still awesome, and this one is signed by Bear Grylls! How could that not be amazing? If Bear Grylls thinks this knife would be useful in survival situations, I know it will be handy in most all situations. Besides, I'm pretty sure that my entire life is a survival situation.

So, I'm pretty pleased with this knife so far. It's way sharper than my old knife. I mean, this one will shave the hair off my arms. I could never get my old knife to do that. So, here's to the beginning of what will hopefully be another long and fruitful relationship.

I do feel a little bad for abandoning my other new knife so soon after getting it, but really, it's kind of a vintage knife, so I think it will be better off not being used too much. I've already put it back in the box actually, to preserve it as much as possible.

So, that being said, that's enough for this post, and I'll leave you with the usual, an awesome picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On New Friends

2011-12-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

Say hello to the newest member of my family!

It came sooner than I anticipated, but it's a new knife! I have to say, it's been a hard summer/fall for me and my knives. After losing one of my oldest and dearest friends in July, I've had a very hard time holding on to knives. I even bought two new knives right when I got my first paycheck from my driving job, and I lost both of those (in the same canyon, strangely enough. Echo Canyon is a knife eater). In fact, I was starting to worry that I couldn't hold on to a knife at all anymore, but I haven't lost one for a couple months. So, fast-forward to December, the time when I'm flying home. Since I flew with Delta and am poor, I chose not to check a bag. That meant that I was unable to bring home a knife! I was worried that I would have to go until Christmas before I had a knife. And, truth be told, I was a little sad that I wasn't able to take a knife on the plane, though I understand why, but what if there had been terrorists on the flight? (This has, actually, prompted me to maybe write another story, either about thwarting terrorists on a plane or being heroic after a plane crash.) Anyway, I came home, resigned to going knifeless for a few days, and when I mentioned it my dad said that my grandma had been dividing up all of my grandpa's (who has severe dimentia) knives at Thanksgiving and he had grabbed me one. Thus, I ended up with this beautiful piece of work. It's not the style of knife I typically prefer, but I can tell that it's a quality piece of work. It should hold together and hold up to some abuse, and it holds a good edge, so I like it. Also, I have managed to figure out how to open it one-handed. So, I introduce my newest knife. May this be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship.

That being said, I leave you, as usual, with an excellent picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Blogging

2011-12-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

I begin this post by pointing out that it is the 100th time I have posted something on this blog. When I realized that, I decided that it merited some reflection. Thus, I do hereby begin reflecting on my experience blogging (thus far, don't worry, I'm not quitting) and also perhaps on some things that have changed in my life since I started this blog back in February of 2009.

First of all, that was a long time ago! I still remember my first post like it was yesterday. The title: "And So It Begins" prefaced a post in which I explained why a picture of a My Little Pony Glue Factory playset was amazing. I still hold that it's pretty amazing. I have to say that I've come a long way since then. I've gone from finding funny things on the Internet and explaining why they're cool (which, I mean, I do enjoy sharing my opinion, but how far can I go with that?) to talking ambiguously about my life and things that are happening to me and sharing my thoughts on them, as well as doing the usual analysis of pictures and the like. Actually, now I think about it, I'm not sure why people read my blog. It's kind of a waste of time. (Once again, don't worry, I'm not quitting.)

Anyway, over the past almost three years I've changed a bit. It's crazy to think that in February of 2009 the only time I had ever heard about canyoneering was when I read about it in National Geographic, and now I pretty much live canyoneering. Every time I get money or spend money, I measure the amount in the amount of canyoneering gear I could buy with it. Like, "I'm dropping 240 dollars for rent. I could totally buy a 200 foot rope with this!" I have moved twice from a house that I once swore that I would live in until I got married or graduated, whichever came last. I did graduate, though I haven't gotten married, and overall I'm pretty sure that I've become more awesome, powerful and dangerous over the years, if that were possible.

I have to admit, I think that pinnacle of my blogging career happened a few days ago, when I sat down and wrote a story (that, when copied and pasted into word, amounted to almost eight full pages and almost 4000 words) that still kind of blows my mind. I'm hoping to possibly drop more of the same on my audience in the future, and maybe next time I'll have it a little more polished. We'll see.

At any rate, I think that's enough reflection. I mean, who really wants to read reflection anyway. I forgot to point out that I've developed habits in my posting over the years. One of which is to have every title be "On ______________." I'm not sure why I like that, but I do. The other habit I've developed is to finish every post with a picture of me. I do this because I'm narcissistic, and also because it's my blog, I can do what I want with it! However, as this is a special post, I'll do something different. I'll finish off this post with an amazing video of me! I know, I just blew your minds. Here it is:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Cooking

2011-12-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

So, as I sit here in my kitchen, waiting for the potatoes to get soft in my amazing potato soup that I'm making (I can't take full credit, Clay told me how to make it), I'm thinking, "You know, I'm pretty good at this." It's true, I am pretty good at cooking. I don't do it a whole lot because the thought of cooking something elaborate for just myself is a little depressing. (Not that I'm saying that potato soup is particularly elaborate.) But, when I actually jump into it and start making something amazing (which is almost every time I cook) then I start having a pretty good time. The fact that I'm mixing things to create something that is most likely going to turn out delicious is pleasing to me, and though most of the food I cook does not tend to be very healthy, it is still delicious. Heck, there are very few things that are delicious that are healthy. That all being said, I'm afraid this has been kind of a lame post, and that I've used too many parentheses. So, I'll make an end, as usual, with an amazing picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Earthquakes

2011-12-12T20:34:00.001-08:00

So, to preface this post, (which may turn out really long, but also really awesome) I tell about how, this last Sunday we had a combined Sunday school, during which we discussed emergency preparedness. One of the topics discussed was earthquakes. Most everyone who lives along the Wasatch Front has probably heard that we're right on a major fault line and that we're due for a big earthquake here really soon. This train of thought, plus everyone saying what to do in the case of an earthquake, got me wondering, "What would I do if there was an earthquake in Provo?" And, being me, the obvious answer that came to mind was, "Grab some gear, put my machete on my back, put on my Indiana Jones hat, and go out and help people!" That being said, I present the following. I know that I'm not an amazing writer, and I'm afraid that character depth and coherence may be a little lacking. It may also have a few typos, since it's possible that I lost my stomach for proofreading after I wrote my history capstone. However, it's a way for me to live out, at least in some form, my delusion of grandeur, and that's why I'm writing it. I'm sharing it because I just wanted to. Oh, and one final disclaimer: I have done absolutely zero research on this, so I will say right now that if this isn't true to life, or even ridiculous in any way, don't worry about it. It's fiction for goodness sakes! That being said, I present to you [Insert Awesome Title Here].

As the dust began to settle, Cliff Chandler crawled out from under his desk, feeling thankful at the moment for a few things. One of them was the fact that today was his day off. He had read that driving during an earthquake was not desirable. The second he felt as he looked at the chunks of ceiling that had crushed his desktop computer. He was thankful that he had a sturdy desk. Cliff was also thankful that he was awesome, but he was thankful for that all the time, so he didn't give that one much thought. Looking around his house, he was also glad to see that the majority of it was standing. There were a few advantages to living in an old house, one of which was that they definitely don't build them like they used to. Looking outside through his broken window, Cliff saw cracks in the pavement on the street and several cars that had jostled into each other, steam coming out from under a few hoods. He was no earthquake expert, but he was guessing the one that had just struck was "The Big One" that middle school teachers had been threatening their students with for years. The apartment complex across the street was still standing, but two of its stairwells had fallen down.

Cliff dove back under his desk as the ground began shaking again and then stopped as suddenly as it had started. Having never lived through a large earthquake before, the idea of aftershocks had been just that: an idea. Now, he realized, they were definitely a reality, and one to keep in mind. Unfortunately, Cliff had other things on his mind at the moment. Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, he was astounded when the call to his parents in Idaho went through. He had always heard that cell towers would be knocked down in an earthquake, and then, even if they survived, the network would be overloaded. Apparently that was an exaggeration. "I guess Verizon really is the nation's most reliable wireless network!" Cliff said to himself as he listened to his parents' phone ringing. However, being true to form, his parents didn't answer. So, he left a message on their answering machine. "You've probably heard about the earthquake in Provo by now," he said, voice shaky at first but growing stronger as he spoke more. "Well, you don't need to worry about me, I'm good. I love you!" He figured he'd get crap for such a short message later, but that was enough to let his parents know that he was safe.

His next call he had to try several times before the phone started ringing. However, when he heard a familiar woman's voice say, "Cliff?" from the person on the other side, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Ashley?" he asked,. "Are you all right?"

The response his best friend gave lessened his feeling of relief. "That's hard to say," she said. "What if I were to tell you that I'm pinned under something really heavy and I'm pretty sure that one of my legs is broken?" Cliff could hear the strain in her voice now, and even through his renewed worry, he had to make note of Ashley's attempt at humor. There was a reason they were such good friends.

"I would tell you to call 911." Cliff said. "I'd imagine you've tried that already, though, right? Unless this really is just a hypothetical situation."

"It didn't go through," Ashley said, "And unfortunately it isn't hypothetical. I daresay emergency services are overloaded right now."

Cliff could hear in her voice that she was close to tears. Cliff had a strong protective instinct, and hearing that made it kick into overdrive. He could hear his voice becoming more and more steady as resolve began to fill him. "Keep trying 911!" he said into the phone, "And don't move! I'm going to come over there and see what I can do for you!"

"Be careful!" Ashley told him. "Who knows what it's like out there!"

"Hey," Cliff said, "They don't call me Captain Danger for nothing!"

"No one calls you that, Cliff."

"Well, after today, they will!" Cliff responded, trying hard to communicate confidence that he didn't actually feel. "Hang in there and I'll see you soon!" They said goodbye and Cliff closed his phone and returned it to his pocket. He had been planning on calling his other friends, but they would have to wait. He re-emerged from under his desk, wary of further aftershocks, and stepped over chunks of the ceiling to his gear closet. Once again, Cliff was thankful that he was awesome. He had spent the last summer canyoneering, and he kept his gear right in his house.

He pulled out his backpack and looked inside. There was his climbing harness, as well as the 100 foot static rope that he had borrowed from his friend, Gavin. He decided to leave those in there, because he might need them. He wasn't sure what kind of havoc the earthquake had wreaked on Provo, but a rope and a harness rarely went amiss. To go along with those was about 50 feet of tubular webbing for anchor construction. Cliff left that, too. He was also glad that he had been too lazy to empty out his hydration bladder after his last trip. It was about 2/3 full, giving him two liters of water. There were also a couple random left-over granola bars and half a pack of jerky. Closing his backpack and swinging it up onto his shoulders, he saw his machete in the back of the closet. He had bought it on his mission, more for a joke than anything, as he had served in Oregon, and had never really used it. However, as it caught his eye, he decided to take it, just in case. Also, even in this moment when Ashley's safety was on the line, he knew it would make him look really cool. He stuck the machete, still in its sturdy canvas sheath, between his backpack and back, and it felt solid there, with the handle sticking up over his left shoulder.

As he walked toward the door, he grabbed his Indiana Jones hat and put it on his head. If I'm going to look cool, I might as well go all the way! Cliff thought that way a lot. However, his exit onto the street wasn't nearly as dramatic as he had suspected. The awning over his front steps had collapsed, and he had to push it out of the way. He looked toward his car, which, surprisingly enough, looked okay. However, he looked at the streets and the cars that were there, none of which were moving, and decided he'd better walk. Ashley lived across town, and he didn't want to waste time trying to get through blocked roads. Turning east, Cliff set himself a speedy pace. He had always been a strong hiker, and he walked to work every day. It should take about half an hour to get over there. Only half an hour. Then I can be there with her, and hopefully do something to help.

Half an hour, unfortunately, turned out to be a very conservative time estimate. As he turned the corner from his house onto the street heading east, he saw something that didn't present much of an obstacle, but which seemed to show a measure of the damage to the city. Of the two iconic smokestacks of the Provo City Power Plant, only one was still standing, and that slightly askew. The other one was laying down, having fallen in a southwest direction, crushing part of the power building and part of a house on the other side of the small park on the corner. Well, that explains why my lights didn't turn on, Cliff thought as he picked his way through someone's back yard and around the top of the fallen smokestack. Around him, he saw people coming out of their houses to survey the damages. Some were calling for help, but Cliff tuned them out. He had an objective. Getting around the smokestack, he resumed his steady pace, stepping over and around random pieces of rubble that littered the sidewalk and street.

Five minutes later, Cliff stood at the edge of what had once been University Avenue. In its place, a crack had opened up in the ground, barring Cliff's progress. Looking up and down the street he didn't see an end to it. Well, this will drastically change the dynamic of traffic flow in town, he thought. The crack was approximately fifty feet deep and twenty-five feet across, and many cars were visible at the bottom. University Avenue was the busiest street in Provo. Many cries for help were issuing from the crack. Can I really just pass all of these people by? Cliff took off his backpack and pulled out his rope and harness. I just need a Tyrolean Traverse. It's just a really big pothole. However, as he started pulling on his harness, he cries for help grated on his nerves. Sometimes, he thought, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. (Turns out that Star Trek can be inspiring!) Ashley will understand. Pulling out his phone, he texted Ashley and told her he was on his way and to hang in there. The text didn't send immediately. Apparently phone towers were getting more overloaded. Then he tied a sling made of webbing around a nearby tree, tied his rope to it, and tossed the end down into the chasm, being careful not to hit anyone. Ropes were heavy, and Cliff had learned from experience that it was unpleasant to get hit on the head by a falling one. Cliff rappelled quickly. A fifty foot rappel was easy for him, and he was at the bottom of the crack and standing on the roof of a car in seconds. In fact, it was a familiar car. Down here the cries for help were louder and they echoed slightly. Interspersed among the cries were moans of pain. However, Cliff was focused on the black Honda Civic he was standing on. The car was tilted at a 45 degree angle, and moving up to the drivers side, he looked in the window. The airbag had gone off, but Cliff could clearly see his friend and roommate Andrew Jones in the drivers seat, unconscious, bleeding slightly from a small head wound.

Holy crap, Cliff thought, pounding on the window. Why are all of the people important to me getting hurt here? "Andrew!" he yelled, "Wake up!" Inside, Andrew started to stir, moaning slightly. Straddling the door, Cliff pulled on the handle and managed to get the door open a crack. Putting his fingers under the edge of the door, Cliff pulled with all of his strength, managing to get the door open.

"Cliff?" Andrew asked groggily, slowly taking in Cliff's climbing harness, machete, and backpack and seeing the rope going up to the edge of the chasm behind him. "What the heck are you doing here? What happened?"

"There will be time to explain that later, Jones," Cliff said, offering his hand. "Are you alright? Ashley's in trouble, and if I'm going to do any good here, I'm going to need your help. Also, why didn't you ask, 'How come you look like a total bad-A?'"

Andrew smiled in spite of himself. "Slipped my mind," he replied. He was starting to move experimentally. "I think I'm alright, but I'll be feeling this in the morning." Andrew took Cliff's hand and pulled himself out of the car. Aside from the blood on his head, he looked fine. "Oh," he added, "and you look ridiculous."

"Alright then," Cliff said. "I need to get you out of here, and then I need to get to Ashley's house. But I can't just leave all of these people stuck down here. I'm going to ascend this rope and then pull you up. Then I'm going to need you to use the rope to pull more people out."

"Right," Andrew said. "While you're going up I'll check on some of these other people." Both Cliff and Andrew knew some first aid from their time as boy scouts. That had been several years ago, but the basics of first aid were easy to remember. As Andrew turned to leave, Cliff turned back to the rope. Ascending ropes was always really annoying, but at least he had a pretty flat wall to go up. He used a piece of thin accessory cord that was hanging from his harness to tie a knot around the rope that wouldn't slide when weighted, but would when he took his weight off of it, leaving a long loop for his foot. Then he used another length of cord to tie the same knot, attaching this one to the belay loop of his harness with a spare carabiner. That being done, Cliff began the laborious process of ascending.

About five minute later, he dragged himself over the edge of the crack, gasping for breath. Being fat never made ascending any easier. Cliff gulped water from his backpack, then, after taking a couple minutes to catch his breath, he pulled up the end of the rope, tied a loop in the bottom, and tossed it back down. "Andrew!" He yelled, "sit in that loop and hold on!" Cliff quickly rigged a haul system using carabiners and started pulling Andrew, who had come from helping a couple people two cars behind him, up to the edge of the chasm. When Andrew finally came up over the lip, Cliff's arms were burning.

"You're going to want to pull some more uninjured people up first to help you pull others," Cliff told Andrew as he got to his feet, putting the rope aside. "Pulling it up by yourself is really hard on your arms. Now, I need to use that rope, and then this big old hole in the ground is all yours."

Another of the fun things that Cliff had hanging from his harness was called an Ibis hook. He tied that securely to the end of the rope and started spinning it around in a circle next to him. About twenty-five feet across he thought. I have plenty of rope, but can I make the toss? And if I even make the toss will it hook to something? Cliff's first toss made it across, but didn't come near anything the hook could attach to. He had his eye on a fallen tree, hoping there would be a branch the hook would go around. His second and third tosses didn't make it across the chasm. Growling angrily at himself, Cliff set his feet and prepared for his fourth toss. He had to get to Ashley, and fast! She hadn't texted him back, and Cliff could only hope for the best. Once again using all his strength, and thinking it might not be the last time he did that today, Cliff flung the rope across the chasm. The hook fell among the branches of the fallen tree and caught. Pulling the rope tight, Cliff gave it a couple firm tugs. It gave a little bit back and forth, and he could see a sturdy-looking branch on the tree moving slightly. "That'll have to be good enough," he said to Andrew. Putting a carabiner on the sling that was still tied around the tree, Cliff ran the rope through it and pulled it tight. Handing the end to Andrew, he said, "Hold this while I go across."

"Cliff, that's crazy!" Andrew said. "You don't know if that tree will hold!"

"I don't have a choice," Cliff said dramatically. "Well, maybe I do, but I've always wanted to say that. Besides, do you see a better way across this thing?"

Andrew shook his head reluctantly. "Be careful, then."

"Yeah, that's the standing order," Cliff said. Andrew pulled the rope tight, then wrapped it around himself and sat down. Cliff took a short loop of webbing and attached it to his belay loop, then put a carabiner through the end. He put the carabiner on the rope and locked it. "Here I go," he said nervously. Then he moved to the edge of the crack and stepped out into space.

Cliff had done Tyrolean Traverses before, but never this high. It had always been over potholes maybe ten feet deep. However, his resolve to get to and help Ashley helped him as he pulled himself hand over hand along the rope. He did his best not to look down at the people still at the bottom of the chasm. Andrew will help them, he thought, and kept moving.

When he finally arrived at the other side, Cliff detached the hook from the tree. He hesitated, then took off his harness, tied it to the rope and threw it across to Andrew. "Use that if you need it!" he yelled across the chasm. Andrew knew how to wear a climbing harness and he knew how to rappel. "I'll see you later!" Then he turned and started walking toward Ashley's house again, his backpack still on his back, but considerably lighter.

A couple blocks later, Cliff saw an apartment building that had partially collapsed. Gathered around it and poking through the rubble were several people, probably the previous tenants. As he walked past, still keeping his brisk pace, Cliff smelled something familiar, but which he did not like. Gas. Natural Gas. And a lot of it. Running to the group of about twenty people, Cliff yelled, "Clear off! Don't you smell the gas? This place could go up any minute!" The people just stared at him, apparently they were in shock. Also, Cliff thought, the fact that he looked like a complete bad-A might have something to do with it. Cliff started to move among them, pushing them into motion, moving them away from the fallen building. It took a minute, but he soon had the entire group moving down the block.

Back in the rubble, Steve the mouse was in a good mood. He didn't know what had made the ground go all movey earlier, or had it been a long time ago? Steve, being a mouse, didn't have much of a sense of time. However, he did like the way the building was set up now. All of these piles of things made for lots of places to hide, and the people weren't even in here anymore! Steve didn't like people. They always yelled and threw things at him when they saw him. But, here in all of these big and small pieces of things, he didn't have to worry about people. He could also smell food, and he was moving in that direction. Steve smelled something else, too, a strong smell, but he could smell the food through it, and he wanted the food.

As he wandered along, leaving small pawprints in the dust, Steve saw a small round thing that seemed to be coming out of the ground. The funny, strong smell that he had been smelling was coming from that. Steve didn't spare it much more than a glance. He was after the food he smelled. As he walked by, his tail knocked into something larger and flatter and shinier but also round that had been balanced precariously on its side. The touch from his tail was all it took to knock the thing over. The second thing that was round hit the first thing that was also round but not as big, and Steve, who had stopped to watch (Steve loved watching things fall) only saw a small flash, followed by a much larger flash, before he never saw anything again.

A block and a half away, still herding people, Cliff felt the shockwave from the explosion. Later, he would tell his friends that he didn't look at it, because cool guys don't look at explosions. However, he definitely did, and watched as a fireball enveloped what was left of the apartment building, and, unbeknownst to Cliff, Steve. All of the people he had been herding away turned around to look, too. With that, Cliff figured that his work here was done, and kicked himself into a run. It was only a few more blocks to Ashley's house, and he hoped that she was still okay. She has to still be okay!

Ashley's house was near Kiwanis Park, one of Cliff's favorite places to go in Provo. As he walked up, he saw that two of the walls and the roof had fallen in, and that the other two walls didn't look too long for this world. He ran to the open side of the house, shouting Ashley's name.

"I'm here!" came the pained, but still strong response. Ashley was in what had been the living room. She was laying on the floor, pinned, as she had said, at the torso by a large piece of the wall with rubble on top of it. While Ashley was a tough girl, Cliff probably couldn't have lifted the weight that was on top of her, at least not from her position. She smiled when she saw him. "Well, I'm happy to see you!"

"Likewise," Cliff, said, not able to repress a smile despite the trouble Ashley was in. "So, how did you manage this?"

"Oh, shut up," she said. "Are you going to get this mess off of me or not?" Cliff took off his backpack and machete. He gave Ashley a drink of water and then, working quickly, started clearing the debris off the top of the piece of wall, which was mostly intact.

With all the rubble cleared off, he said, "Well, right now I'm wishing I went to the gym more frequently. Or ever. Here goes nothing." Bending his knees, Cliff grabbed the wall next to where it was sitting on Ashley and started to lift. Slowly, the wall moved upward until it was at his chest height. "I don't think I can get it any higher!" he said in a strained voice. "Can you move out from under it?"

"Maybe." Ashley set her face determinedly and started dragging herself out from under the fallen wall. Tears fell from her eyes as she moved her left leg, the lower part of which was bent at an awkward angle, but she didn't make a sound.

Cliff's muscles were tiring fast. He had never held something this heavy for such a long time. He didn't know that he had the ability to hold something this heavy for as long as he had already, and Ashley was only halfway out from under the wall. Gathering his will, he focused on the task of holding his arms in place and not letting them drop as Ashley slowly moved backward. Finally, both her feet cleared the space where the wall had been. Cliff stepped back and finally let go of the wall. As it crashed to the ground, he fell as well, arms and most of his body shaking. He turned his head and smiled at Ashley.

"Well, that could have gone worse," he said. "Now all we have to do is make you a splint and get you to the hospital, if that's still standing."

"Sounds like a walk in the park!" she said.

"You don't know that half of it," Cliff replied. Then, despite everything, they both started laughing.

Okay, so that's a pretty good conclusion, right? I could have gone on. I am a little disappointed that I never got to use my machete, but maybe I'll make another installment with looters who try to beat us up when we see them stealing from a store or something. I would have put it in this one, but it was starting to get pretty long, so I decided against it. So, that's all I've got. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I liked writing it, because I'm not going to lie, I felt pretty awesome. :) I'll finish this post, as usual, with an awesome picture of me.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Mountains

2011-12-08T19:07:00.001-08:00

So, pretty much every day I look up at the mountains surrounding Provo and think, "Cliff, you idiot! You had all of the free time in the world for the whole summer and you didn't go up there once! What was wrong with you?"

Thus, as of right now, I am setting a goal to summit all of the peaks surrounding Utah Valley this summer. Think there's like seven of them. That ought to keep me busy for a while. Some of them don't have trails, so that should get interesting, I'll see how that goes down, because I know from experience that a route that looks like it would be easy from down at the bottom of the valley can turn out to be impossible when you're actually up there. I've looked on the Internets for a panoramic picture that has all of them in it. I couldn't find one, so you'll just have to use your imagination. However, with that in the works, as well as another amazing summer of canyoneering, this coming summer (Is it bad that I'm already looking forward to summer? It is my favorite season, after all.) is shaping up to be awesome!

That's really all I have to say at the moment. It's been on my mind for a little while. Also, you know what else has been on my mind, at least this afternoon? This song. No particular reason, it's just an awesome song. Anyway, that being said, I'll leave you with the usual:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Mediocrity

2011-11-15T00:02:00.001-08:00

So, it's late at night and I should probably be in bed, as I drive for a living. However, I have a few thoughts jumping around in my head that I really want to commit to the Internets before they cool down and relieve me of this chance to alienate a few of my female readers. How do I intend to do this you ask? First, there's the title of this post. Next, there's the picture I'm about to post:

Yes, that's correct. I just said that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was mediocre. Okay, now all of you people who loved the movie can be alienated. I apologize for alienating you. Please come back. Now that that's done, I wish to continue with my line of reasoning.

First of all, I want something made clear. The Harry Potter series is one of my very favorite. As far as I'm concerned, J.K. Rowling did an amazing job and she's pretty much a genius. I rank Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as probably my first or second favorite book. In fact, now I think about it, I think it takes second, as I think that Mistborn is now my favorite book. That Brandon Sanderson is a genius. However, I love the books. I've loved them ever since I discovered them as a freshman in high school. I have read the first and third books about seven times each, and listened to every single book at least twice, if not three times. I devoured the sixth book in less than 24 hours. You could ask me almost any question about something that happens in the books, and the odds are that I could give you the correct answer. You could even ask me about spell incantations or how apparition works or the name of Percy Weasley's owl, or even the name of the goblin that Harry used the Imperius curse on (Gornuk), and I could tell you those things, too. When it comes to Harry Potter, I am a huge nerd and I really really like the books.

That all being said, I still hold that I was not a very big fan of the final movie in the series. In fact, the movies bother me quite a bit. I really haven't been impressed with any of them. However, it astounds me how almost everyone around me thinks that they were amazing. The interesting thing about this, however, is that when I point out the many flaws of the movies and the reasons why they are lame, they agree with me, but then they say something to the effect of, "But I HAVE to love it, because it's HARRY POTTER!" (That last part should be said in a higher-pitched voice, because the people saying this are generally female.) To me, this line of reasoning is all sorts of flawed. Just because a movie is based on some of the best books written in the last decade does not give it an excuse to be mediocre, or, in the case of a couple of the movies, just plain lame. In fact, I think that this should make us hold it to a higher standard, and to shun it if it sucks.

For example, among other things, the final movie just seemed really forced to me. Granted, I knew exactly what was supposed to happen, but the film makers had to anticipate that most of their audience would. However, every time something exciting happened, I felt like they just screamed through it, not making it exciting or even really interesting. When they revealed something amazing, like a twist, I felt like they were forcefully shoving it down my throat. It just wasn't smooth. Even parts that were just dialogue, like Harry talking to Dumbledore in his dream, just didn't seem smooth and felt really rushed. Overall, I have to say that I just wasn't impressed.

Anyway, those are the main thoughts I have on this movie. Once again, if I've alienated anyone, I apologize. I promise that my next post will be much less controversial. But, if you don't want any controversy, why the heck are you reading my blog? (That's a rhetorical question. Don't stop reading my blog.) That being said, I leave you with the usual, an amazing picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Diagrams

2011-11-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

So, I've got to say, this is probably pretty accurate. I particularly want to say that because I'm pretty sure that all of the circles describe me pretty well:

Smart?

Check.

Handsome?

Double Check.

Nice?

Seriously, have you met me?

Check.

So, basically, what we're gathering here is that I'm Batman. Except that isn't true. I don't really have the disposition to be Batman. Or, for that matter, the money (which, by the way, is Batman's true superpower). Besides, I already have a superhero name! Also, I'm pretty sure that if I were going to be a superhero, I would want to first acquire superpowers. I'm still waiting for that to happen. I'm pretty sure it will someday. Maybe even soon. I'm banking on teleportation, or, failing that, telekinesis.

All of that being said, I make an end for this post. And, even though I've already posted two pictures of myself, I'm going to go ahead and leave you with another amazing picture of me.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Mary Woodall

2011-11-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

So, those (few) of you who read my blog regularly may remember how I put out a request a while ago for suggestions. I received like two. That was not a surprise. However, one of the request that I received was to write a post about my good friend Mary and how awesome she is. I've decided to do just that in this post. Here follows a few of the reasons why Mary is awesome.

First of all, Mary is someone who I really respect. She's been through a lot more than I have, and I think it's amazing how she's held up through all of it and still managed to be such an awesome person.

Second of all, she's hilarious! Mary is super fun to hang out with because she loves to laugh and do fun things. Her wheeze laugh is amazing, and very contagious. When you're hanging out with Mary and you're both in the mood for fun, you can't help but have a great time!

Third of all, she has all of the seasons of Psych on DVD. Anyone who doesn't think that that's awesome is a communist.

Fourth of all, she's Mary. She an awesome person, an awesome friend, and I'm super glad to know her. If I had never met Mary, I'm pretty sure my life would be cold and dreary. Okay, so that may not be entirely true, but Mary certainly has managed to brighten up my life on several occasions! Thanks Mary! Here's to you!

I end, as usual, with an amazing picture of me. This one has Mary is in it, too. In fact, when the random stranger we asked to take it for us was taking it, he asked if we were married. We thought that was pretty hilarious.

This is Captain Danger out.

(P.S. I realize that this post might have come off a little mushier than usual. I'll follow it up with a super manly one. No offense, Mary, you're still awesome.)

On Facial Hair (Again)

2011-10-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well, suffice to say, I have realized one of my dreams. I've wanted a handlebar mustache for a very long time. For Halloween, I did a redneck, and I think I pulled it off pretty dang well. In fact, some people pointed out that I possibly pulled it off a little too well. I don't know if I find that a problem, because it's awesome. That being said, I plan on keeping it for a couple more days. Granted, I know that I can't keep it forever, because I'll never get married. However, I think it's amazing, so I'm holding on to it for a couple more days. And, that being said, I make it an end. Here's an amazing picture of me (with a handlebar mustache):

This is Captain Danger out.

On Rescue

2011-10-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, I don't have a lot to say about the great (actually not that exciting) rescue of Echo Canyon. However, one thing I'd like to say. I can't say how many time's I've joked while on hikes that if someone hurt themselves, I would carry them out. Now I've done it! Granted, I didn't carry her all the way out, and we took turns, but I've participated, and I have to say, I'm pretty pleased with that. So, that's about all I've got to say about that. For the moment, anyway. So, I'll do the usual and leave you with an amazing picture of me.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Rainy Days

2011-10-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

I decided today that I really enjoy rainy days. Granted, I already knew that, but it was confirmed to me today. I also decided that I like driving in the rain. Not really hard rain, but I think it's cool having the windshield wipers going and hearing the rain hitting my car and seeing the spray coming up around the other cars and knowing that my car is doing the same thing. I like hearing the sound of cars going by in the rain outside my open window and the sound of the rain hitting the roof of my house. Anyway, that being said, I don't have anything else to say at the moment, just felt like sharing that. I'll leave you, as is my wont, with an amazing picture of me.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Music

2011-10-05T00:31:00.000-07:00

What is it about some songs that just makes them empowering? I have recently noticed that about a few songs in my collection. I listen to them, and I suddenly feel more powerful (which is saying something!). I feel more able to take on the world and like nothing can stand in my way (which is generally true, but the songs help me remember it in times when I forget, for whatever reason). This is one such song:

If you don't like that song, I submit that you are probably a communist. Either that, or you have very different tastes in music from what I have, which probably also means that you are a communist. I have to thank my friend Matt for introducing me to that song and to the band Switchfoot in general.

The empowering effect of this song, and other songs like it (which include things such as Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead of Alive, also by Bon Jovi, Don't Stop Believin' by Journey and many others) work best when the songs are played at full volume while driving in a car with the windows down. Try it sometime. You won't be disappointed. That being said, I leave you with the usual: an amazing picture of me.

Me riding in Anthony's car out of the sunroof. Don't worry, I used my enormous strength to stabilize myself.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Money

2011-09-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

So, while I am enjoying my current job, today was the day that it really occurred to me that I could be making a LOT more money substitute teaching than I am making at my current job. The thought has come into my mind before, but it really hasn't hit me until today, when I thought about numbers a little bit. The main problem with substitute teaching is that it kind of sucks. Anyway, this is an item for a bit more thought. That's about all I've got for this post, though. Here's an amazing picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Mountains

2011-09-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, a couple of days ago I was driving up to the temple (as is my wont) and I looked up at Y Mountain and had a process. It went something like this: "Oh, look. There's Y Mountain. The leaves are starting to change colors, that's pleasant. Wait a minute! I haven't even been into the mountains this summer! I need to do something! Tomorrow's my day off! I'm going to there!" Thus, I made the decision to hike to the summit of Y Mountain yesterday. I intended to go by myself initially, but when a friend asked if she could come too, I went ahead and let her, and was glad for the company.

This isn't what the mountain looked like yesterday.

So, the story of the decision being made having been told, can I just say that I had forgotten how much I love the mountains? Sure it takes work getting up there, but once up, I love the feel of being in the mountains. The wind just feels nicer up there, and the chill that lets you know you're up higher than you usually are is all sorts of pleasant. Granted, I do realize that this was just Y Mountain and not very impressive, but it's made me realize that I need to do more with myself on my days off. There are a couple more hikes I'd like to do before winter hits, and I plan to do them. That being said, I don't have much else to say. Here's an awesome picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Climbing.

2011-09-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

So, this post is prefaced with me saying that I have not really enjoyed climbing in the past. I've been a few times, and every time I've found that I really sucked at it and that it was kind of scary being belayed by someone who was, generally, a lot smaller than me.

That being said, I went ahead and went climbing yesterday, and to make it more interesting, I went ahead and rented some shoes from Outdoors Unlimited, the outdoor store at BYU. It was a night and day difference! I went from slipping all over the place in my old shoes (the ones with leprosy) to barely having to worry about where I was putting my feet! It was amazing. In fact, it has changed my entire outlook on climbing! Before today, I would go on climbing trips mostly just to belay people (you won't find a better belayer than me, I'll tell you that right now), but now I find myself wanting to buy my own climbing shoes and go more often and actually become a good climber! Granted, when I was climbing my belayer had to be two people, but that is really beside the point. Anthony did point out that if I wanted to be a good climber, probably the best thing I could do is lose about 100 pounds. That was an exaggeration, I think I need to lose about 50 pounds. That would serve, at least, to make me easier to belay.

However, another thing that I'd like to point out is that climbing gear is not generally made for people my size. I had to get the extreme largest climbing shoes they had at Outdoors Unlimited, and they barely fit (which, I know they are supposed to). This led me to create a new term: sizist. Yes, I went there. Climbing, and sports like it, are prejudiced against large people, making them sizist. That doesn't stop me from doing them, though, and I will continue to be awesome, despite my size, though yesterday has given me at least a small desire to lower my weight, at least by a little.

That all being said, I make an end. Here's an excellent picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On College Football

2011-09-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that I love college football? This statement has been a while in coming. When I first got back from my mission, I didn't care at all about college football. I didn't even care about BYU football, which I'm pretty sure is a sin. However, my love for watching this sport has slowly grown over the years, to now I don't mind just sitting down and watching football for several hours, especially if it's a team I care about (BYU, Oregon, and Boise State (in that order)). Anyway, all I'm saying right now is that I'm very pleased that the college football season has begun, and I'm looking forward to about five months of awesome. Good work by the Cougars to begin with!

That being said, I'm still happy to have suggestions. I have gotten a couple, and I intend to follow up on those, but more are welcome. That being said, here's an amazing picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Moving

2011-08-29T13:49:00.001-07:00

I haven't even started yet, but I already know that once I do start, moving is going to suck. That is all. Here's an awesome picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Facial Hair

2011-08-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm hoping that you can click on this picture and make it bigger. If not, click on this link here.

Anyway, just something shown to me by a friend, who suggested that I blog about it, and I thought it was a pretty good idea, as I'm working on growing out a beard. The beard I'm working on is at the very top of the trustworthiness scale, as I like the full beard, and I've actually been told that I look good with it when I shave the hair off of my neck. Anyway, that being said, I think I may have discussed this topic a bit before. What is it that makes a person with a beard look more or less trustworthy than a person without one? I have a couple ideas.

1. Historically, people have had different types of facial hair. Thus, the Hitler is on the bottom of this trustworthiness scale (which I actually think is pretty accurate, though I think that they have really put the Horseshoe mustache in the wrong place on the scale. Unsavory? Really? I have dreams about having one of those someday, and can you really call Jamie Hyneman unsavory? That guy is the shizzle, but I digress.). Also, it explains why others are closer to the top, such as the distinguished man beards of the past.

2. Having hair on one's face makes one automatically more manly and more awesome. Trust me, it's true. Some are jealous. In fact, I would submit that some women find facial hair unappealing because they're jealous that they can't be as awesome. That is, most women can't be, but I won't go into that.

Actually, I think that those may be my only two ideas. Really, it's mostly arbitrary. I personally think that I look just as trustworthy with a beard as I do without one, which is why I'm not uncomfortable with growing it out. That being said, I'm not that impressed with this post. However, it has given me an idea.

My idea is as follows. As this post came from a suggestion, what if other posts came from suggestions? While I do enjoy blogging (somewhat ambiguously) about what's going on in my life, I also like blogging about random crap and sharing my opinions. So, if any of my readers have anything they want my opinion on published, go ahead and put it in a comment! Putting it in a comment does not guarantee that it will get published, of course, as I am my own man. Also, as this is at the bottom of kind of a long post, I won't be shattered if I don't get a lot of suggestions. But, if you have suggestions, shoot them my way, and it's possible that you could receive the amazing wisdom of Captain Danger on the topic of your choice!

That being said, I make an end. Here's the usual excellent picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Staying Up Too Late

2011-08-24T00:59:00.001-07:00

The fact that I don't start work in the morning until 10:00 am has been detrimental to my sleeping schedule. The killer thing is, what am I doing at 2:00 in the morning? Nothing, really. Tonight I spent a bunch of time trying to figure out where I could find the sick (good sick)-looking canyons outside Ouray, Colorado (I was not entirely successful) and then just random goofing off on the Internet, much of which included Facebook. I should really learn to just go to bed on time, because I'm pretty sure that's better for me.

But, on the subject of this Ouray place, I'd never heard of it until recently, and now I'm seeing these pictures on canyoneering forums of people rappelling in flowing water down really high waterfalls, and the main thing that I'm thinking is, "I want to go to there." Maybe someday. It will have to be a someday after I've bought new shoes and when I feel comfortable asking for some time off from work, because I don't think it would be good enough just to go to this ridiculously awesome-looking place for only one day. I'd post some pictures, but I don't know if non-members of the forums I'm in would be able to see them. Plus, most of my readers probably wouldn't be particularly interested.

Anyway, what I'm doing right now is simply exacerbating the problem that I talked about in the first paragraph and should really call it a night. Also, I'm starting to think about taking this blog back to its roots and doing some commentary on things that I find on the Internets (i.e. explaining why things are awesome, or making up stories that go with pictures that seem not to have explanations). Thoughts? I'll say, I often thought I was hilarious when I wrote those posts, but I think that a lot of my readers just thought that I was a dork, and I can understand that, because I do tend to be a dork sometimes.

That all being said, I should really call it a night. Here's an awesome picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Employment

2011-08-21T12:58:00.001-07:00

Yes, for those of you who haven't heard, I am now employed. I now have a job, that I go to and do work and they give me money. Well, they haven't given me money yet, but I have faith that they will soon. Anyway, there are a few advantages to this situation, as compared to my previous one:

1. I now have something to do almost every day.

2. I will soon have money, with which to buy things such as a new knife (something I desperately need), new shoes (which I almost need more) and a rope.

3. I will have money to pay rent.

4. I don't sound like a huge bum when I introduce myself to someone and have to say that I'm unemployed.

However, I have to say, I miss a few things about my previous situation:

1. The ability to do whatever I wanted every day.

2. The ability to go canyoneering at any time.

3. The fact that I had very little responsibility.

So, basically, it's a good thing that I got a job, because I'm pretty sure I was starting to enjoy unemployment too much, and what little ambition that I have was starting to just get sapped away. Now that I'm in a job that I will probably get tired of in a couple months, I have the ability to wish for something more, and can keep moving ahead. That being said, I think that may be about all I have to say for this post, except to say that, for my current job, I drive a van that looks a lot like this:

That's right, I drive a creeper van. That being said, I make an end. Here's an awesome picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Reading

2011-08-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

You know, I had thought that I had completely lost my attention span and my ability to stay awake. However, I have finally achieved it. I have finished two books in the past month. One of them was even a really boring one that didn't even make sense! So, that just goes to show that I still have an attention span, I can still stay awake when I'm not watching TV (most of the time), and I can still read! I guess not having a job has been good for me in some ways. That being said, I'll make an end. Here's a picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Responsibility

2011-07-31T10:50:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering, I'm not a huge fan. That's all I have to say at the moment. Here's an excellent picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On The Loss of a Loved One

2011-07-26T15:27:00.001-07:00

I have chosen today to mourn the loss of one of my oldest and closest friends. It was a week ago on Monday. Having just successfully completed our descent (and friggin' climbing out) of Boundary Canyon, I was changing from my adventure pants (which had very large holes in them) into my shorts, which were clean and would be much more comfortable. This is when the tragedy occurred. I took my knife out of my pocket, set it on top of the car, and forgot to put it back into my pocket.

Thus ended a very long and productive relationship. That knife has served me very well since I bought it in February or March of 2007. It has, I think, more than anything, served as a device of intimidation. However, I can't say how many times I've used it to cut the twine off of bales of hay, or cut webbing for rappelling anchors, or any number of other things. Also, the fact that it was always in my pocket, readily available should a situation involving murderers, rapists, or terrorists (or a combination of the three) arise was always very comforting. This knife will be greatly, greatly missed.

Anyway, looking on the bright side, now I get to buy a new knife once I finally have a job again! Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm looking for a solid one that can take a beating if necessary. I may just buy the exact same knife, I haven't decided yet. This all being said, I make an end. Oh, and don't worry, I still have three knives, and generally have two on my person at all times. They just aren't quite as cool as my old one. I'll end, as has been my wont recently, by posting yet another excellent picture of me.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Plasma

2011-07-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

So, if you haven't figured it out yet from reading my more recent posts, I'm a little low on cash at the moment. In fact, the term "a little" is a pretty gross understatement. Granted, I have a pretty good-sized wad in my savings mutual fund, but I don't want to dip into that yet. The fact that I chose not to get a summer job may be exacerbating it, but at least now I'm unemployed and have no money and enjoy it instead of being unemployed and having no money and being really depressed about it (or rather, as depressed as Captain Danger can get). But I digress. That really long introduction was to introduce the reason why I finally decided it was time to donate my plasma for money.

I've always viewed this as sinking pretty low and it has never been something that really appealed to me. I never did it because I figured that donating blood was the more noble way to go (and I do, in fact still hold that, but I can't afford to be noble at the moment). However, I finally broke down and did it, and I was really surprised that it went down really well! In fact, I can't believe I didn't get in on this racket sooner!

First of all, the people there are nice and reasonably personable, and they had movies playing on the TVs there! While I was there they played League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and The A-Team, both of which are movies that I like. So, basically, I was getting paid for doing what I would have done anyway, I just had a needle stuck in my arm while I was doing it. Granted, I did feel a little ashamed going straight to the store after where the bandages on my arm made it obvious that I had just come from donating plasma and that I was spending the money I had gotten there. But, I'm pretty sure I'll get over that.

That being said, I make an end, leaving you, as ever, with this amazing picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Cartoons

2011-07-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

There is a sad trend in the world today. It is this: there are many movies that people discount just because they are cartoons. The main example of this would be comic book movies. People get really excited about live action comic book movies, but when there's a cartoon comic book movie, it hardly gets any attention at all! This, I think, is a cryin' shame, and many people who enjoy good action movies are really missing out. This also applies to TV shows. For example. I have recently started (and finished) watching a TV show called The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

Now, while I'll admit that it doesn't have the catchiest title on the planet. It is an awesome show! I mean, there are very few people who didn't like the movie Iron Man, or the movie Thor, and then you combine them, as well as adding Captain America, The Hulk, Hawkeye (who is kickawesome) The Black Panther, Giant Man, and the Wasp, and you end up with an amazing team of superheroes! These guys can take on almost any comers, and it's amazing. I mean, with an intro like this:

how could it not be an awesome show? Trust me, it is. I highly recommend it. All of the episodes of the only season to play so far are on Netflix and Hulu. Don't let this golden opportunity pass you by!

Anyway, now that I've totally branded myself as a nerd (again) I'll leave you with yet another amazing picture of me.

This is Cliff Chandler out.

On Summer

2011-07-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that I have definitely chosen the correct career. I have learned that teaching is the right career for me, if for no other reason than the following: I get my summers off! How awesome is that? Answer: ridiculously awesome. Ever since I've decided not to get a job and to just enjoy my summer, I've realized just how glad I am that I'm going to be doing this every year. And, the really awesome thing is that in future summers I should actually have money with which to do things! Yeah, things are looking up for Captain Danger, I'll tell you that right now. Anyway, that being said, I'll leave you with, yet again, an amazing picture of me.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Future Employment

2011-07-02T10:59:00.001-07:00

I have come to an important decision for me: I have decided not to get a summer job. This choice was brought on by a couple realizations. First, and this is something that I've known for a while, getting a summer job would really suck. I became a teacher for a few reasons, and one of those reasons was so that I didn't have to work in the summer. Second, most of the jobs that wouldn't mind me just working for the summer would really suck. Things like sales (kill me) or call centers (kill me in a fire) and stuff like that. Third, even the sucky jobs don't seem to want me! I mean, what's the point of having an online application if you still expect the applicants to call you or come to your place and bother you? I think it's dumb. Finally, I have realized that, now that there is only a month and a half left until the beginning of the school year, there probably aren't any jobs that would be very excited about me coming on for a month and a half and then leaving. Thus, my decision.

Am I a little apprehensive about this decision? Not really. I think I can handle myself just fine on just a portion of the money I have in savings and be covered just fine. Also, having the summer off means that I'm more available to do awesome things! If anyone is doing something fun and they want me along, be sure to let me know! Odds are I'll be all over it.

That all being said, I make an end. I'll leave you with this picture of one of the most recent awesome things I've done.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Job Interviews

2011-06-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well, first of all, I'd like to point out that I've put up a picture of a place where I've actually been. The background of this is now the canyon leading into Havasupai. Maybe if I get a sweet landscape shot from a canyon in the future (likely) I'll change it.

Anyway, that's what I really wanted to make known in this post. However, bear with me, as I discuss job interviews. Now I'm not going to complain, because there's a chance that potential employers could find this blog and read it. In fact, I don't have a lot to complain about except for this: I suck at job interviews. Most people who know me say that I generally come off as a confident and trustworthy guy, but I don't think I do a very good job at projecting that when I'm confronted by a principal, a vice principal, and at least one social studies teacher. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I mean, what business does a guy who looks like this:

Have being not confident? That being said, I make an end. This is Captain Danger out.

On Change

2011-06-25T23:08:00.001-07:00

So, pointing out the obvious, I've made a couple changes. I just barely figured out that I could do this! There are a few things about Blogger that I don't know a lot about. Maybe someday. At any rate, I don't have a lot to report right now. Just be it known that I'm working on being able to put up a high quality picture of a place I've actually been in the background of this blog. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. That being said, I leave you with this amazing picture:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Aging

2011-06-19T16:09:00.000-07:00

Now, I know what you're all thnking, based on the title: "Captain Danger, you're only 26! You're not that old!" And that is actually true, however, I've noticed something about my current age. My body does not bounce back nearly as fast as it used to! I rolled my left ankle about 2 two weeks ago and it's still not in perfect shape! I remember back when I was 21 that wouldn't phase me for more than 2 days! I mean, I can't complain too much because I have a high pain tolerance, but I would still like to be able to jump off things like I used to be able to. As another piece of proof that I've aged, I present you with the following pictures:

And here's a picture of me recently (which is also one of the most amazing pictures I have ever seen.):

I rest my case. This is Captain Danger out.

On Pain

2011-06-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

You'll all have to forgive me if this post is a little rambling. I just decided to jump on here to write because I felt I didn't really have anything better to do. However, that being said, don't let it dissuade you from reading on. It's very possible that I could think of something clever, profound, or hilarious while I sit out on my porch in the glorious weather and write.

Anyway, on to the main subject: pain. I pride myself in something in this respect. I personally believe that I have a very high pain tolerance. Allow me to give an example that long-time followers of my blog (I realize that your numbers are pretty sparse (but getting less sparse!)) will be familiar with. Last fall I broke my arm (canyoneering, go figure) and managed to still drag my fat butt out of that canyon with said broken arm. I also didn't think that it was broken for about two weeks with it and just went about business as usual with it, lifting heavy things, playing football and ultimate, etc. I was actually really surprised when I found out it was broken, because I didn't think it hurt enough to be actually broken. That's only one example. I could give more.

My left arm was broken when this picture

was taken. I even managed a smile!

So, jump forward to yesterday. Captain Danger is out canyoneering with his friends, as is his wont. On the first downclimb in Quandary Canyon (rated 4B III) he lands funny when he jumps the last bit and rolls his ankle. Figuring it's just like other times when he rolls his ankle, he doesn't say anything about it and just goes, thinking it will quit hurting soon. It didn't. It didn't bother him much in the canyon, but once they started the exit hike, he was limping pretty bad. Okay, I'm switching perspectives. This whole writing in third person is annoying. Anyway, all I can say is that ibuprofen is a miracle drug and getting out of that canyon would have been a lot more painful if I hadn't taken five of them.

Anyway, for those of you who may be worried about my ankle, it feels a lot better today. I'm still limping on it just to keep my weight off of it so that it's back in prime condition for Havasupai this week. That being said, I think I'm done with this post. This is Captain Danger out.

On Unemployment

2011-05-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

Being unemployed has started to lose its charm for me, and the killer thing is that I've only been unemployed officially since the end of the school year in the Nebo district (which was only a couple days ago). The main problem with being unemployed is that I've recently realized that I live kind of an expensive life. Here I am, having moved into a new house (where the rent is substantially higher (but I wouldn't go back because this house is awesome!)) and going canyoneering every weekend (more or less). Also, I tend to want to spend money on expensive things. For example a trip to Havasupai that I really shouldn't be able to afford (but must go on). So, basically I find that I need to be employed in the very near future.

On that note, I've found that I'm a little picky about my employment. Actually, I'm not that picky. The only thing that I really require is not having to work on Sundays. Is that so much to ask? I personally don't think so. And, while I prefer not to work on Saturdays (because, I mean, come on!), I've decided that I'm even open to that. I just don't want to break the Sabbath. So, that being said, I'm looking for a job, for the record.

That being said, I'm at home now, and I have remembered, yet again, how much fun it is to chase cows on the four wheeler. Also, here's an amazing picture of me:

This is Captain Danger out.

On (My Own) Stupidity

2011-05-11T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go ahead and make this something of a complaining post today, just to show that even Captain Danger doesn't always have perfect days. The Internets may not know that I am currently substitute teaching, trying to earn a living (it's not working too well). Well, yesterday I signed up for a job at Payson High School. I thought for sure that I double-checked that it was for today, so I took it. This morning I was awakened earlier than I had planned by a phone call asking me to do a different subbing job. I checked the computer before I turned it down, and I was certain that the one I had already signed up for was today. So, I said no to the job on the phone and commenced going down to Payson. When I was less than a mile from the school I got pulled over and got a speeding ticket. Apparently I'm not impervious to police. Dang. Anyway, when I got to the school and had hung around in the classroom for a little while, the teacher showed up and said that he was going to be gone on Friday. Not today. So, let's sum this up. I:

1. Drove to Payson, which took gas, anticipating that I would make money,

2. Got a speeding ticket, which probably would have taken all of the money I would have made, and

3. I didn't end up making any money and had to drive back, which also took gas.

So basically, if I were prone to depression (which, luckily, I'm not) I would probably be getting pretty close right now. However, as I'm not prone to depression and have an actual job interview for a teaching job this Friday, I'm doing fine, and now I get to spend my day watching Stargate Atlantis. The real downside of this is that I may not be able to buy my new canyoneering shoes today like I'd hoped, which sucks. I should probably figure out how much I'm having to pay for this speeding ticket. This is Captain Danger out.

On "Heroism"

2011-04-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

So, can I just say something? When I was down in the Subway and we were helping people out, I never thought that it would be such a big deal. Anthony was recording videos and I just figured, "Well, there's Anthony recording videos again." I didn't think that eventually this video would end up in front of the entire canyoneering community and that they'd all be watching them. Thus, I didn't think about the fact that I was saying some pretty dumb stuff. Luckily, I'm not ashamed of a thing that I said. In fact, I'm pretty pleased with most everything I said in that video. I'm also very glad that I'm wearing my awesome adventure clothes in the video, and a great big red hard hat. Anyway, if you want to watch an amazing video that's about twenty minutes long that has me saying dumb things, some great action, and only minimal amounts of swearing, go ahead and watch the video that I'm linking to here.

At any rate, my title was in quotation marks for a reason. I really don't feel like a hero. I just feel like I was doing what was required at the time. That's all any of us felt like, and continue to feel like. I don't really like being called a hero, because I feel like it's giving me too much credit. Sure, I feel like I deserve some credit, but I don't think that I deserve a lot of credit. Also, if you want to read the whole story, go ahead and follow this link here. I think it's awesome that Shane Burrows (one of the most respected canyoneers out there) put it on his website. Also, the fact that he called it "Escaping the Subway" is awesome as well. That's just a sweet name. Anyway, that's all I've got for this one. This is Captain Danger out.

I Was on TV!

2011-04-24T00:10:00.001-07:00

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

So, that's the basic story. The real story is a lot more convoluted and complicated and I don't feel like writing it here at the moment, as I should be going to bed right now so I can prepare a lesson for church tomorrow when I get up in the morning. Also, I just graduated. I thought I'd make that known. I looked amazing. I thought I'd also make that known. At any rate, I'm going to go to bed now. This is Cliff Chandler out.

On Job Searching

2011-04-14T12:21:00.001-07:00

Can I just say that looking for jobs is really boring? I would much rather be doing something else right now. That's all. Since I'm on the mustache kick, I'll leave you with another amazing mustache. This one is coming from a man who wasn't quite as evil as the last two. However, he was Russian.

Granted, it's a beard, too, but that mustache is amazing. That is all. This is Captain Danger out.

On Being Finished

2011-04-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

So, it's hard to say whether I could get used to not having a job or classes, or whether I would die of boredom after a day or two. Granted, I have to say that it has been pleasant watching like five episodes of 24 today. Also, the fact that I could get used to being such a bum is not a good thing to me. That being said, I make an end of this post. This is Captain Danger out.

Once I Thought My Innocence Was Gone

2011-04-07T13:32:00.001-07:00

What does that title have to do with this post? Very little, actually. In fact, it may end up having nothing to do with this post. However, I'm currently listening to "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel while I wait for the time that I'm required to stay after school is out to expire. That song is a classic and is amazing and I wish that I had two or three guys who were willing to back me up while I sang it to an audience of some kind, because I think it would sound awesome.

Anyway, what this post is really about is the fact that I'm about to be done with student teaching. I could, I suppose, make a list of things I've learned. However, I generally try not to write anything that's really meaningful on this blog, as those who follow and actually read my blog (I realize it's a small number) may have noticed. That being the case, I just have to say that finishing my student teaching is going to be an experience that I meet with mixed feelings. Most of me is pretty happy to be done and graduated. However, there is a part of me, not a tiny part, but not a huge part either, that is going to miss it. I was actually thoroughly surprised today that the class that I've had to yell at the most was the one that seemed be the saddest to see me go. In fact, I'm a little surprised that students have been sad to see me go at all. I remember when I was in high school and had student teachers. It only happened a couple times (apparently Weiser isn't a school district in high demand for student teaching), but when it did happen I always hated it and just wanted them to leave so we could have our real teacher back. However, a large number of students seem like they're really going to miss me and several have said that they want to be my friends on Facebook. I don't think that's going to fly, but it's nice of them to say that.

Overall, I think that student teachers kind of come into the classroom at an immediate disadvantage. First of all, it's not your classroom, and so the policies aren't exactly how you want them to be. Also, when I came into the classroom, I didn't know all of the class and school policies, and so I didn't know whether students were breaking rules or not. I wasn't sure how strict or lenient to be, and I didn't want to change my cooperating teacher's entire system (I didn't, either). Also, students in the classroom seemed to feel that because I was a student teacher they could get away with more. The sad thing is, that's probably true in a lot of cases. It would be kind of dumb to send students to the office as a student teacher, because it makes it look like you can't handle them.

Anyway, I'm starting to wax a little verbose in this post, and I know that, when I look at someone's blog, if the post is longer than two paragraphs I tend to just skim it a little bit and not really read it. So, that being said, I leave you to your lives. Though I have to say that I have recently been reminded of another amazing mustache, as we've been studying the middle east in my class. This one is also on the face of a very evil man. Am I seeing a pattern here? Maybe this is why women hate mustaches so much. I'll leave you with the picture of this mustache:

This is Captain Danger out.

On Having Five Minutes to Kill

2011-04-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

I currently have five minutes to kill. This seems to happen to me every now and then, when I don't have a lot to do to get ready for the next day of school, but I'm required to stay for half an hour after school is out. Therefore, here I sit. And, the main thing on my mind at the moment is the following: That sub that came in today to watch me while my cooperating teacher was gone was WEIRD! Holy crap was he weird. I've kind of noticed that about substitute teachers, actually. However this guy was the weirdest. I definitely raised my eyebrows several times during the day, when he was calling the students ugly or cracking your mom jokes at them. About their moms I mean. I he had had a mustache it would have been icing on the cake. But, I can't complain too much. After all, he did buy me lunch. This has me thinking of mustaches now, and it's almost time to go. Therefore, I'll leave you with a picture of an evil man, but he had one of the best mustaches in history.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Alter-Egos

2011-03-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

Introducing Captain Danger's latest generally mild-mannered alter-ego: Mr. Chandler!

Here we see Mr. Chandler in his casual state, having just returned home from another day of teaching ninth graders. Mr. Chandler enjoys classic rock and is generally well-liked by his students. So, Captain Danger is Mr. Chandler by weekday, but his general dangerous self by night and by weekend. Observe the most recent ability Captain Danger has acquired, known simply as "Speed Mode."

In Speed Mode, Captain Danger is able to reach speeds upwards of ten miles per hour. I know, I know what you're thinking. "That's not possible! Even Captain Danger can't be capable of such speed!" However, it's true. You'd be surprised what a fat guy is capable of! Finally, I leave you, the reader, with one final picture. This picture depicts Captain Danger in his natural habitat, the outdoors, engaged in one of his many natural activities, protecting lives.

Now, you may ask, "Captain Danger, how are you protecting lives in this picture?" There are actually two ways that I'm doing just that. First of all, I'm looking so amazing that that in and of itself is saving lives. I'm sure that there are some people who would just keel over and die if I didn't look this good with such a perfect opportunity. Second, that piece of webbing that's attached to my harness is attached to a rappelling anchor, which is attached to a rope, which is attached to a person. Had the rappelling anchor failed (you generally have to trust the rope, otherwise you wouldn't be rappelling), I would have been there to use my enormous strength and bulk to hold up the person. It would have protected their life. Trust me. That being said, I have nothing more to say at the moment. This is Captain Danger out.

On Europe

2011-03-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

So, I've been teaching about Europe recently in class, and I've decided on the countries I'd really like to visit if I were ever to have the money to travel there. I realize that this eventuality is not likely to occur, but here follows my list of countries to visit. Granted, the rest of the European countries are cool, too, but these are the ones that appeal to me most:

Andorra--It is just cool how it's up in the mountains and it's so dang small!

Norway--Because fjords are AWESOME! I've seen pictures and I really want to go and see some in real life.

Switzerland--Because I think the Alps look awesome. Also, I hear there is some flippin' amazing canyoneering in Switzerland, and I would totally be all over that.

Italy--Because, I mean, come on. I'm a history major, and I took the coolest Roman history class ever.

San Marino--Because it's right there in Italy, and aside from that, it looks really cool. Also, it's just awesome that it's small.

So, that's my main list. Given the opportunity, I'd visit other ones, but these ones are at the top of my list. I know that some of my friends are probably going to want to stab me because some country they love isn't on that list. Well, I'm afraid that's how life works. At any rate, that's all I've got for the moment. I think I'm going to tell the two students that I'm waiting on that they can color their maps at home and then go home myself. This is Captain Danger (also known as Mr. Chandler) out.

On Hoops

2011-03-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

So, maybe I'm just complaining on this blog lately, and that really doesn't reflect my current life condition, but I have to say right now, the teacher work sample that I have to do to graduate really sucks. Why can't they just have me teach and trust my cooperating teacher to say that I did a good job? No one even looks at the stupid teacher work sample. It's just a hoop to jump through. Anyway, that concludes my rant. This is Captain Danger out.

Because I Feel Like I Should Post More Frequently...

2011-03-01T18:20:00.001-08:00

I don't think I really have a lot to say right now, I just feel like I never write on my blog these days, and that is a terrible thing, because my writing is not something that the world should be without. That's for sure. Anyway, did you, my loyal readers, know that my left arm is still not to 100% combat readiness? It's very close. It's like 99.3%, which is good enough to do just about everything, but it's still not perfect, and that bothers me. I suspect that the answer to this dilemma may lie in the weight room. However, weight rooms are notoriously difficult to make it to. Whenever I think about going I think, "No, that's not necessary" and then I don't go. Does this show a lack of motivation on my part? It's possible. But, I ask you, what business does a guy who looks like this:

have at the gym? My point exactly. This is Captain Danger out.

On Teaching

2011-02-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

So, having spent a few weeks starting my chosen profession, I think I am at least slightly qualified to blog about it. Also, I haven't written anything on my blog for quite some time and thought that situation should be fixed. At any rate, as I've been in the public school system for about a month or so, I've learned a few things about 9th graders. They are as follows.

First of all, when you think of 9th graders in a classroom, you generally envision something like this:

I mean, look how pleasant and orderly they are. That is kind of how I pictured a classroom, and in some cases it's been the case. In fact, I have a couple classes that are quite orderly and well-behaved. However, some of my classes, (especially one of my fourth-period classes) are more like this:

You don't believe it, but I'll tell you it's the truth. If some of these children had teeth like that, I would have a valid reason to murder them, which is something they almost beg me to do (not in so many words) every time they enter my classroom. (Note to any worried/paranoid blog stalkers: I am not going to murder any children. That's a thing we call exaggeration, and it's my way of saying that they drive me crazy. Please do not turn me in to the government.) Anyway, those kids are evil. In fact, I've taken to calling them "Satan's Children" to my friends, which, I suppose would make them Hellboy, but they're not nearly as cool as he is, and a lot less respectful.

Another thing that I've learned is that I am pretty much awesome. Well, I already knew that, but it's been reinforced. I mean, come on. The fact that I can teach these kids all about world geography is pretty amazing. Plus, there's the fact that I'm just so much cooler and smarter than they are. I mean, I'm pretty sure that I feel good about myself just about every day because of that. I pause for a minute and think, "Oh, yeah, I'm a lot cooler than these guys." My dad did tell me when I was just starting that I should remember the following: "You're fighting a war of intelligence with a bunch of people who are only partially armed." He was right. Anyway, I believe that finishes this post. At the moment I'm actually at school, killing time until my 30 minutes after school is out is over so I can go home. Actually, that reminds me of something else: Students really suck at turning in their work on time. Take right now for example. A student told me TODAY that he would be taking the test that he missed right now. Is he taking it? NO. That happens ALL. THE. TIME. I mean seriously! Be true to your word!

Anyway, I really am done this time, because I get to leave in one minute. This is Captain Danger out.

On Firearms

2011-01-02T15:48:00.001-08:00

There are a lot of things in this world that can be both good and bad. One of those things is the firearm. However, I personally think that they're awesome, and a lot of fun. So, what is it that makes a device that fires a projectile at extremely high speeds so awesome? That's a good question. However, one thing that I know for sure is that I look awesome when I hold them. Observe:

That, my very few readers, is a picture of me with a double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun. I actually prefer a pump-action, but when I wanted to take the picture, this was the gun that was most readily available. Besides, I found that I was just as good of a shot with that one as I was with the pump.

I think that one of the awesome things about guns is that you can make something that's far away from you explode or move or something. That's pretty amazing. There's just something cool about moving something without touching it. There's something even cooler about exploding something without touching it.

So, I think I'll leave it at that. There's a lot more that I could discuss, but I don't think I that I want to discuss things like killing people and gun control and all of the controversy surrounding firearms. Suffice to say that the reason why I like having guns around is because they're really fun to shoot, even if I do have a sore shoulder today.

Also, I'd like to point out that projectile weapons are the only weapons that can destroy replicators. Not human-form replicators, just the regular type.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Home

2010-12-23T15:16:00.000-08:00

While I generally get bored at home, allow me to enumerate some of the awesome things about it:

1. The fact that I've been allowed to sleep in every day (that was unexpected).

2. The supreme stupidity of cows (usually it's annoying, but right now it's fun).

3. The fact that we've trained our dog to jump into the bucket of the tractor while we feed the cows.

4. Getting to drive the old Ford Ranger with a deer antler for a gearshift handle.

5. The fact that it's generally ridiculously freezing outside (this would bother most, but not me).

6. The fact that I have almost full use of my left arm.

7. The fact that my family is here.

That's all I've got at the moment. However, suffice it to say that I'm having a pretty good time right now. This is Captain Danger out.

On Accomplishment

2010-12-12T16:34:00.000-08:00

The paper is finished. If you want to know something about Eisenhower and how he handled nuclear weapons, you just ask me, and I'll probably tell you more about it than you ever wanted to know, with footnotes. However, I have to say, writing a 25 page (and one paragraph) paper does give you a sense of accomplishment. Especially since I did most of the work with a broken arm. That's right. Granted, there wasn't a lot of heavy physical lifting involved, but that's beside the point. You try concentrating on the Foreign Relations of the United States series when your arm hurts really bad.

In other news, I went to the last class of my undergraduate career on Thursday. That also gives something of a sense of accomplishment, though since all I did in that class was walk on an elliptical trainer for 35 minutes, that sense was slightly diminished. However, it feels good that I don't have to worry about too many more things like tests and homework and the like. At least, not my own homework. The fact that I'm going into teaching means that those things are going to be my life, but at least I will be making it up and grading it, not doing it. However, the disconcerting thing is that I don't have my student teaching placement yet, which is confusing. I did my application in an awesome way, and even had an amazing picture of me in it. I mean, there was no way they could have said no to that picture. However, I went to the education office on Wednesday and asked if I was stupid and was looking in the wrong place, and they said, "No, the placements just aren't up yet." And, I just checked, and they're not up. Thanks a lot, education office. You're just wads of help.

Anyway, that's all I have to say at the moment. I feel like I complained a lot in this post. Have I mentioned that I'm awesome? Because that's true. That is all. Captain Danger out.

On The Library

2010-12-02T22:28:00.000-08:00

The Harold B. Lee Library: Consistently in the Top 5 on the Princeton Review for best college library in the country. You'd think they'd have more comfortable chairs at their tables. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'm going to cut this post short so I can get out of the library (Which is staying open until 2:00 am tonight. Who would do that?) and go home to my guitar and then my nice warm bed. This is Captain Danger out.

On Snow in General

2010-11-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

The image at right is what it currently looks like outside my house. Now, don't get me wrong, I generally thoroughly enjoy snow. It's pretty, and you can sled in it. Other people can even snowboard and ski in it, which is cool for them. However, there are plenty of times when snow is not my friend.

You may not be able to see it in the photo, but it is currently snowing, and snowing quite a bit. That means that it isn't really safe to go back to Provo today. Hooray. That means I get to drive on the sabbath tomorrow and not buy my delicious enormous drink. But, you know, go snow.

Anyway, I complain to much. That being said, there's snow on the roads, and if they would just listen to me and make heated roads, I wouldn't have this problem. They could make them solar and wind-powered. It would totally work! Places that get a lot of snow generally also have high winds, so that would generate plenty of power to take care of a small heater under the road. Plus, you could harness the energy from the wind coming off the cars as they go by. It would work!

Anyway, that being said, I make an end. This is Captain Danger out.

On Snow on Roads

2010-11-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

Just a quick observation. Snow on roads should be banned. I propose a simple solution: heated highways. Thank you.

Late Night

2010-10-24T00:55:00.000-07:00

So, I should be in bed right now, but I thought I would preserve this little lesson in the foreverness that is the Internets before I forgot how much I want to share it. Observe:

This is Cliff Chandler:

This is Cliff Chandler with a broken arm:

This is also Cliff Chandler with a broken arm:

Any questions?

On Doctors and Arms

2010-10-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, for those few who haven't heard, and those who have, it turns out that my arm has been broken for the past two weeks! (and then some) However, I went for two weeks without knowing, and in that two weeks, while I thought I just had a muscle injury, I did some pretty crazy crap to do with a broken arm, and I have to say, I'm pretty pleased with myself, more specifically, with my pain tolerance. Yeah, go ahead and break my arm! I'll still drag my fat butt out of one of the most intense canyons in Utah! I'll still play football, ultimate and racquetball! I'll still lift a whole bunch of heavy boxes at work! You can't stop me!

At any rate, now knowing that my arm is broken, I figured I probably should see that doctor, so I went up there early to make sure that I could get in to see him and make it to class, and guess what? The doctor was late. Excellent. So, I had to leave to make it to class (which I normally wouldn't have minded skipping, but it was a final) and I asked some nurses about what I should do, and they didn't seem concerned. The conversation went down something like this:

Cliff: So, I can't see a doctor right now, but, my arm is broken, is there something I should do about that?

Nurse: I don't know, does it hurt you much?

Cliff: A little.

Nurse: Well, uh, do you want some kind of support for it, like a sling?

Cliff: That would probably be good. (Thinking, "I don't know! You're the one with the medical training, you tell me!"

Anyway, so now I have sling, and I wear it most of the time, though I have to take it off to do things like type, play the guitar, do my job, and play Starcraft. Aside from that, though, I generally leave it on, and it's a huge relief to take it off. In the mean time, I think my arm is probably up to about 50% combat readiness (at least) but I haven't really tested it, now I know that the bone is broken, I figure I should be careful with it. That being said, I make an end.

On Doctors

2010-10-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

So, I caved and went to the doctor yesterday. In retrospect, it may have been a bad idea. He felt my arm and had me try to lift it and then said that I need to see an orthopedic surgeon to get a real idea of what's going on. He did say that I've either torn my rotator cuff or else I've got a bunch of blood from bruising up in my deltoid that keeps me from being able to lift my arm. That second one sounds kind of far-fetched to me. So, I'm going to see an orthopedic surgeon on Monday. If he tells me I need an MRI, I'm going to tell him to stick it. If he tells me that I need physical therapy, I might go along with that. I'll see. Anyway, there's the update. Oh, and he also said that I should be okay playing racquetball and football. Not in so many words, but he said that when my arm hurts, it probably isn't getting worse, it just hurts, so I'm good. I just can't go slamming into walls. I think I can handle that.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty lame experience. Granted, I understand that he couldn't really make a definitive decision, but I'll bet I go to the orthopedic surgeon, and he says, "Yep, the other guy was right." and I end up spending more money on doctors visits. This, my friends, is one of the areas where our health-care system is screwed up. Okay, so maybe not.

In the meantime, my left arm reports approximately 30% combat readiness. Definitely not what I expected for right now. Granted, I could still kill most anyone right now, I would just have to use my left arm sparingly, as it would mostly stuck to my side. And when I talk about killing anyone, I mean any aggressor, like a suicide bomber or supervillain or something. Not just random people. That being said, I don't have much else to say today. This is Captain Danger out.

On Research and Eisenhower

2010-10-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

I sit here in my entryway, and I should be doing research. It turns out the nuclear policy of the Eisenhower administration is actually pretty interesting. It's too bad I can't come up with a thesis yet. Anyway, I don't feel like doing research, so instead I'm writing something that very few people will read.

I'm not even sure what I want to write about. For those who care, my arm is on the upswing, somewhat literally, though I still can't swing it very proficiently. However, I think it will probably be at approximately 50% of combat readiness by the end of next week. It may even be higher! All I want is to be able to pick it up onto a table without having to use my other arm or having to used my fingers like spider legs to get my hand to where it belongs. Give me that, and I'll be one happy man. Oh, that, and I would like to be able to turn my blinkers on and off, too.

Anyway, did you all know that the Eisenhower administration took us to the brink of nuclear war like three times? I didn't know that. In a survey of later American history people usually kind of gloss over the Eisenhower administration as a time of peace. Well, let me ell you, it may have been physically peaceful, but there was a lot of mess going on. If there's something I've learned in my study of history, it's that there is always something going on, no matter what it may look like at a glance. Take Utah when the Mormon pioneers just came in. Famine and peace? Not so much. I learned about that in my Utah history class.

Anyway, I don't think any of my readers are really that interested in this, I just felt like writing something. That being said, I leave you with a picture of an excellent man, at least based on the things I've read so far.

This is Captain Danger out.

On Arms

2010-10-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

There are some things that you really don't understand what you've got until you've lost it. This was the case with my left arm. Now, don't worry, I'm not running around with a stump. My left arm is still attached to my body. However, the majority of the time it hangs uselessly at my side, because I can't lift it. Is that convenient? No. Not at all. You think, "Oh, I'm right-handed, so I don't need my left arm that much." Well, if you thought that, you're wrong. You would be really surprised at the number of things you use both arms for. Take, for example, getting dressed, or undressed for that matter. I'll bet you never tried to take off or put on a shirt when you couldn't lift one of your arms. It's harder than you think. Also, take driving. Closing the driver's side door without a left arm is a fight in itself, and then trying to do something with your right arm while driving is pretty well out of the question, because, while I have enough strength in my left arm to hold onto the bottom of the wheel, I can't really steer.

Thus, I finish complaining. I'll tell you what, I knew I was awesome, but before now I didn't know just how awesome, because I have to say, I'm pretty proficient and going around without a left arm. Also, the fact that I dragged my fat butt out of a canyon with only my right arm makes me pretty pleased with myself, too. In closing, I say this to you, my readers: Don't take your non-dominant arm for granted!

Canyons

2010-09-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in my house at 7:32 am, waiting for it to be time to go to my weightlifting class, (that's right, I'll be ripped come December) my mind turned to what is the main reason for my weightlifting class, and what has become quite possibly my favorite pastime: canyoneering.

What is it you ask? In a word: awesome. In a few more words, I usually describe canyoneering as hiking through a slot canyon, but as slot canyons tend to offer a lot of obstacles, it usually consists of a lot more than hiking. Most of the time there is rappelling involved. There are usually things that you have to climb down, water to wade through/get over by being tricky and bracing yourself across the canyon walls, water to swim through, things to climb over, and all sorts of awesome stuff, not to mention the amazing things you get to see. Basically, take the coolest thing you've ever heard of and multiply it by 19. That might get you pretty close. It is the fact that I'm into canyoneering that gives me the ability to think when I walk around, "You know, Cliff, you're probably a lot cooler than most of the people around you." Note that I said most. I'm sure there are some people out there who make up for this deficit somehow, but I don't know how yet.

Anyway, that being said, I provide you with a few pictures, just to prove my point. This is Captain Danger out.

LOST

2010-08-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Before reading this post, please view the animated .gif found here.

Now, if there's one thing that I've never understood, it's the show LOST. I've never seen a full episodes, but the parts of episodes that I've seen have seemed really convoluted and confusing. Some people would say, "Cliff, you can't make a judgment on a show that you've never watched a full episode of!" First of all, those people are ending their sentences with the word "of," which any person who knows about grammar can tell you is awful. I'm pretty sure that the sentence that I just wrote was also grammatically awful, but I don't want to expend the amount of thought it would take to fix it. Yeah, I'm lazy. Second of all, I beg to differ. I believe that I can pass judgment on, not just shows, but also people, animals, books, and pretty much anything when I hardly know anything about them. I'm good at that kind of thing. For example, the first time I saw the show Stargate SG-1, I knew it was a great show, and I was right! I could give many more examples, but that's not what this post is about. Anyway, based on my judgment, the show is just strange. Also, I can't watch any full episodes, because I once told one of my coworkers that I would never watch that show, and when Cliff Chandler says he'll do something, he does it. Or doesn't do it. Depending on the situation.

Anyway, I obviously can't go into great detail explaining what's strange about the show, because I haven't watched it. However, from what I've been told, the premise is that a bunch of people from a plane end up stranded on an island and strange crap starts happening. Okay, that's easy enough to deal with. However, then, from what I'm told, they start having flash backs, and then even stranger, flash forwards, and then before you know it you don't have a clue what's going on. Who wants to watch that? Not me. At any rate, I think the main reason I wanted to write this post is to showcase the animate .gif, which, if you didn't look at it from the first link, you can look at it here. Basically, from what I've heard about the show, that thing sums it up pretty well if you ask me. This is Captain Danger, signing off. (For now. I'll post again, don't worry.)

Six Strings to Greater Attractiveness

2010-08-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

There was a time in the past when I was very jealous of those around me who could pull out a guitar and start strumming it. I've always been pretty confident in my voice, and many have told me that I sing well. However, for a very long time, after giving it a couple tries, I had decided that I was incapable of playing the guitar, since I have large fingers. Fat fingers, as I like to call them. However, after a large amount of practicing, I have developed a descent amount of skill. Nothing too amazing, but I can strum out several chords and I can string them together and sing while I play them. I continue to practice, and I consider myself an amateur at best. However, something that I noticed at least partially before I could play and something that I really notice now that I can play is the following: Women really like a guy who can play the guitar. I'm not sure what the allure is, and I'm not going to ask too much, but for some reason, they think it's amazing.

One situation that I keep on finding myself in (and enjoying) is when I mention that I play a little, and then the girl who I said it to asks, "Can you teach me how to play?" My reply? "Yes I can." Then, not only do I get to hang out with said woman for a little while, I also generally get a chance to show off, something that I thoroughly enjoy. Anyway, that being said, I leave the mystery to my readers. What is it that's so attractive about a guy who can play the guitar and sing? I conjecture that it may be the fact that in order to play the guitar, there has to be at least some of his time spent not playing video games. With that, I make an end.

On Spamming

2010-06-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Asians who keep on spamming the comments on my blog,

Because of you I have had to turn on comment moderation. You know, I really have no problems with Asians, and I actually think that Asian characters are pretty cool, the fact that I have no clue what your comments say aside. However, it's the fact that every single one of those comments has a long string of links after it, every one of which leads to a website that I definitely can't endorse. Therefore, my Asian friends, you will find that every one of your comments on my blog will be rejected. I apologize, but that's just the way it has to be. I hold my blog to a higher standard than that.

Yours,

Clifton Chandler
Captain Danger

P.S. To all of my loyal followers, this is why I have turned on comment moderation. Not that you would notice, since none of you have commented on my last couple posts. That's all.
CDC

You Thought I was done blogging, didn't you?

2010-06-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

Well, allow me to begin this post by first saying that I apologize for my long absence. I would like to point out, however, that I am not the only one. It seems to me that the blogging craze has died down a bit since last year, when it seemed like everyone and their dog was blogging about everything. Granted, there are a few people who are still blogging, but not nearly as frequently as they used to. Life is sad when people don't want to write about random crap that happens to them or that comes to mind. I blame it on the recession. Either that, or Global Warming. Or else President Obama. It might be his fault, too.

Anyway, I didn't write this post just to make apologies and to point fingers. I actually have something to write about! If you're wondering what it is, wonder no longer! I present to you, the nunchuck gun:This little wonder is brought to us by the geniuses behind homestarrunner.com, one of my very favorite websites. (You know what's annoying? The text in links is always purple. Why does it have to be purple? Anyway.) The nunchuck gun made its first appearance in "Dangeresque 1: Dangeresque too?" and has lived in my heart ever since. I mean, it's so cool! the idea of combining an awesome weapon with another awesome weapon defies the senses, as well as the intelligence.

Granted, there are obviously a few problems with this gun. First of all, it looks like it might have a bit of a shoddy construction. If I were in the business of making nunchuck guns, I'm pretty sure I would use duct tape, not masking tape. My experience with masking tape has been that it generally doesn't hold very well, especially under conditions of heat or getting swung into peoples faces, which are conditions that nunchuck guns are required to endure. Duct tape would do a much better job of making it stand up to the heat of firing, as well as being able to bear being swung into all sorts of peoples faces. Another problem that comes to mind immediately is how the gun would be aimed. Those not as familiar with firearms don't know this, but the sights of a gun (how you aim) are on the top, and with that nunchuck in the way, it would make it hard to aim. That, however, is inconsequential. It simply makes the nunchuck gun a close-range weapon, which makes sense in the first place, because nunchucks are definitely close-range, and pistols are generally only medium range at best.

However, aside from these small problems, which could be easily fixed, I could definitely say that if I were going up against the world's most evil man, a nunchuck gun would be welcome in my arsenal. Just it's ability to shoot, combined with its swing in faces-ness makes it awesome. With that, I make an end. This is Captain Danger out.

Follow-Up

2010-04-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, my last post may have sounded a little bitter. Am I bitter? Definitely not. Bitterness is not in my repertoire of feelings. Disillusioned? I'm not entirely sure what that means in this context. Was I serious? No. In fact, in retrospect, I am all sorts of willing to concede that true love probably does exist. Does it exist for me? That's debatable. However, as I say that, keep in mind that I am most definitely not bitter. Anyway, while it is very likely that true love exists, I think that the true thing about that cartoon that I posted is that there are better things to be wished for than true love.

So, think about it. Sure, true love can be hard to come by, but it is possible to find it on your own. However, the things that the other guys wished for were nigh impossible to come by yourself. A star fighter? Superpowers? The barrel of money not so much, but work with me here. Given a choice to have one wish come true, and assuming that it can't be world peace or something similar, I would not wish for true love. I would hold out for that to happen to me naturally. No, I'm pretty sure I would wish to be able to teleport.

Now we get into the meat of this post. Teleportation is very possibly one of the coolest things ever imagined. Not teleporting with a machine, which, while it is cool, is inconvenient. The ability to simply be in one place and then suddenly disappear and appear somewhere else. I'm also talking about high-speed teleporting, such as the kind that Nightcrawler of the X-Men can do. I don't know if my readers have seen the beginning of X-Men II, but if they haven't it is pretty much the best part of the movie, and it shows just what a guy who can teleport is capable of, even if they are kind of scary looking, like Nightcrawler is. Yeah, I just watched it. Nightcrawler is most definitely the coolest of all the X-Men. And, what it doesn't show in that movie, but is apparent from my playing of Marvel video games, is that Nightcrawler is also very proficient with swords, something that makes him even more awesome. Anyway, not only can those powers be used to almost kill the president, should it be necessary (not saying anything about the current political situation), but they can also be used for good! Not only could they be used for good, they could also be used for AWESOME! I imagine all of the cool things that I could do if I could teleport like that, and it blows my mind. In fact, my mind is so blown that I can't give you any specific examples.

Also, if I were able to teleport, I'm pretty sure that it would make it easier to find true love on

my own. Take the movie Jumper. Granted, it's not the best movie ever made, but it was a much better movie for Hayden Christensen than Star Wars was. Anyway, part of that movie is him finding what is supposedly (granted, that's debatable) his true love. Maybe she isn't, maybe it's just lust, as it is in lots of movies. However, I think that his ability to teleport definitely allowed that to happen. His abilities certainly allowed him to save her life, along with his own and the lives of other jumpers around the world, by taking Samuel L. Jackson out of the picture. Anyway, I submit that if I had the ability to teleport, it would be so much easier to find my true love. In fact, I would probably be married right now and I wouldn't even be writing about this. However, if that were the case, I suppose you all wouldn't be able to experience the awesomeness that is my writing in this case. That being said, I wouldn't wish for true love at that wishing well. I would, as I have described, wish for my favorite superpower. The ability to teleport. I make an end.

What's the Big Deal?

2010-04-07T07:20:00.001-07:00

The comic strip at left illustrates a good point. Is true love really the greatest thing? I mean, I think that those guys who wished for the other things may have been better off. In fact, I'm not sure if true love even really exists. Just sayin'.

What the Possum?

2010-03-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

This one's for all of you people out there who think that all animals are cute, cuddly, and sweet. I submit to you the picture to the right. This animal is a possum, and it is neither cute, cuddly, or sweet, despite what that ridiculously cute little girl might think. That possum is about to try and bite her hand off! How is that cute? It isn't. Is that cuddly? I don't think so. Is it sweet to bite off a cute little girl's hand? I submit that it is not. In fact, I strongly submit that it is not. I've noticed that this misplaced liking for animals that many people have does not stop at possums, which are dirty, disgusting, and vicious creatures. No, people have endearing feelings for all kinds of animals, and I would like to put some of those feelings of endearment to rest so that the poor misguided souls who are feeling attached to these animals don't get their hands bitten off out of ignorance.

1. Cats

Now, you may be saying, "But Cliff, what's so wrong with cats? They're nice, right?" Well, let me set the record straight. Cats are not nice, but are, in fact, small, raging balls of pure and burning EVIL! I know lots of people think of cats like this:

That is not what cats are really like. No, cats are really more like this:

Does that guy look cute, cuddly or sweet? I didn't think so. He looks evil, he looks wet, and he looks like he wants to tear off your face and wear it to town, something that I do not desire to have done to me in the least. That being the case, I steer clear of cats as much as possible.

2. Cows

I don't know what misguided notion gave people the idea that cows are cute, cuddly, or sweet, but I assure all of you, having grown up around cows, that they are not, and that they deserve every bit of slaughtering for us to eat that they get. They deserve it. Just their mere stupidity assures that they were created for us to eat. Now, when many people think of cows, they think of this:

Now, while she is cute, at the moment, even I will admit that she's pretty cute. However, keep in mind that most cows, in fact, all cows, look like this when they grow up:

Yeah, scary and not cute, or cuddly, and it would gore you to death before even thinking, in fact, it can't think. That is definitely not cute. That being said, I think I've made my case. If anyone thinks that this guy is cute, I submit that their cute muscles are broken. Like, really broken.

That's all I have to talk about right now. If you have any other questions about animals that you think are cute, cuddly, or sweet, go ahead and put them in the comments. I will be happy to post on them later on. With that, I conclude this post. This is Captain Danger. Out.

Bear with Swords for Fangs Driving a Dump Truck

2010-02-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

It's hard to explain just what is awesome about this picture. Granted, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it is still amazing. First of all, how did that bear get swords for fangs? It doesn't make a lot of sense and is probably really convenient, but I'll bet they come in really handy in a fight. I'll bet he's learned how to bend his head back really far, and then he can take out the enemy bears really easy. Second of all, how did he get into that dump truck? I mean, I've discussed before how a bear can get into a taxi, but I'm not sure how he'd manage to get into a dump truck. They're a lot taller and there are substantially fewer fat delicious-looking guys in dump trucks. Plus, how is he managing to drive said dump truck? I don't think that bears really have the level of intelligence required to drive a dump truck. I mean, some bears a smart, especially black bears, which, according to Jim Halpert, are better than grizzly bears. However, this bear looks more like a grizzly than a black bear. That aside from that, I don't think that even a black bear could drive a dump truck. I'm don't know how to drive a dump truck, and while I'm pretty sure I could figure it out, it would be tricky and definitely much too tricky for a bear to drive. So, that's basically what I have to say about this picture. I think that this guy needs to be watched out for, then sedated, and then questioned, because it is definitely a highly suspicious situation. This is Cliff Chandler--out.

There Comes a Time...

2010-01-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

As they say, there comes a time when we must choose between what is easy, and what is awesome. Being awesome isn't something that just happens, it's a privilege, something to be used for the good of others, much like Dr. Octavius's philosophy on intelligence in Spiderman 2 (an excellent movie). Allow me to share a few ways that we can use our awesomeness for the good of mankind. Those blessed few of us who are awesome can't just proverbially hide our awesomeness under a proverbial bushel. We have to let it shine! The list that follows is by no means comprehensive, but it is a few good suggestions.

1. Looking attractive.

While being devilishly handsome (like me) is not necessary to being awesome, it doesn't hurt, and I've found that there are few people who, when they dress up all smart, similar to how I'm dressed up in the picture on the right, that don't look attractive, whether they be male, or female dressed in the female equivalent to a suit or whatever. Anyway, that is one excellent way to spread

awesomeness. People in your presence when you look this good can't help but to soak up just a little bit of the awesomeness that you are exuding.

2. Being Confident

While confidence is an important part of looking attractive, it is an integral part of being awesome, and also a great way to spread awesomeness. The less awesome can sense you confidence in yourself, in the fact that you can do what you set out to do, in the fact that you are awesome. This confidence can sometimes spread to others, if they are receptive, and make them just a little more awesome, possibly giving them a little bit of the gift that we, the especially awesome, have in abundance.

3. Being Hardcore

Is this part of the post just a chance for me to show off? Maybe. That is irrelevant. However,

when you do awesome crap and take pictures, which you show to people, or tell people all about it, they can't help but feel your awesomeness just seeping in their direction. Whether they use their proverbial awesome cup and scoop it up, applying it to their own lives, is their choice, but if you are spreading awesomeness by being hardcore and telling people about it, or even taking said less awesome people to do the hardcore things (this almost has to make them more awesome), you can't be held accountable for them not becoming more awesome.

By following the three preceding steps, you can be a large part of making the world a more awesome place, or at least making your general vicinity a more awesome place. Let your light so shine, and have a glorious day. This is Captain Danger out.

A Reminder

2009-12-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

I just thought that everyone should know that, while I may be tired lately, I've put on some weight, I sometimes grow my beard for days at a time and look like a slob (though, I really think that I look rugged when I do that), and sometimes I wear my hood like a doofus, all of that considered, I am still awesome. I remain the picture of danger, power, attractiveness, chivalry, self-esteem, skill, and, overall, just plain awesomeness. Feel free to bask in it all you like. Remember, there is no charge for awesomeness, or attractiveness. That's all I have to say. This is Captain Danger, out.

Holy Crap!

2009-11-17T20:06:00.001-08:00

Going along with my usual fixation with everything dangerous, I give you the glorious tidbit at the left. A bear in a taxi? What the crap? According to the web site I found this picture on, it is in Russia. That explains it a little bit. Those Russians come up with some crap that's almost as crazy as some Japanese crap. (No offense to anyone who is Russian or Japanese) Anyway, I, Cliff Chandler, Captain Danger, the one, the only, the amazing, will endeavor, once again, to explain the picture in question. It may be long, it may be hard, but when has that ever stopped me? And DON'T say, "All the time." I'll kill you. Anyway, here goes!

So, this taxi is driving by the zoo and he sees a whole bunch of people running out and screaming in Russian. "БЛИН!!!!" they yelled. "Существует медведь сыпучих!!!!" For any Russians reading this, I'm sure that's wrong, I just picked it up from Google Translate. Anyway, the cab driver didn't think much of it, because he had just moved to Russia from England was was just learning Russian, and words like "bear" and "loose" didn't make a lot of sense to him. However, he did see a chance to make some money, because these people looked like they were in a hurry and could really use a ride in a taxi. He pulled up to the curb, rolled down the automatic passenger window, and said, "Hey, you want a ride?" Now, the people running out of the zoo didn't really know English, but what he meant was obvious, so a couple of the people made for the cab, including a particularly delicious-looking (to a bear) fat guy. Just as they started opening the back door of the cab, a bear came lolloping out of the zoo, it's eyes on the delicious-looking fat guy, and increased its speed. Now, as I can testify from personal experience, fat guys are not only usually slow, they are also typically clumsy. So, as he was getting into the taxi, his pant leg caught on the door, and he said, "Подождите, я застрял!" The taxi driver didn't understand what he meant, but, looking back and seeing his predicament, he figured the fat guy was saying something to the effect of, "Wait, I'm stuck!" In the mean time, the bear had gotten closer, and just as the fat guy had freed himself, clambered into the back seat, and gotten his hand on the door handle, the bear was upon him. It jumped bodily into the back seat, hitting the other side, and rocking the car, causing the door to shut. The taxi driver, when he saw the bear jumping in, had slammed on the gas, but had hit it too late, and so the bear was in the back of his car to stay. The bear proceeded to gobble up the poor delicious-looking fat guy, and the driver, not knowing what else to do, continued to drive, afraid to stop and draw attention to himself by getting out of the cab. To his surprise, when the bear finished eating the delicious-looking guy, he proceeded to stick its head out of the back window (which had been rolled down) like a dog. That's how this picture came to be. What the viewer of the picture doesn't see, however, is how the taxi driver saved himself. Seeing the way this bear was acting, he saw an opportunity. Remember that he's driving on the wrong side of the road (we Americans drive on the correct side, and everyone else is wrong, obviously). He saw an oncoming bus, and, steeling himself, got as close as was possible. It took of his side-view mirror, but it also took off the bear's (whose eyes were watering in the wind so he couldn't see) head and shoulders. It's like someone had taken his dandruff shampoo and filled the bottle with highly corrosive acid instead. Then the cab driver stopped, removed the bear's butt from his taxi, and then went home and washed it off. He got his mirror replaced the next day.

In short, make sure to be cool and calm in all situations. You'll come off better.

Sexism--I'm Treading Carefully

2009-11-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

So, I don't know if I'm breaking copyright laws or not by posting this on my blog. I hope not. It's credited. Anyway, when I read it, I laughed, and it really rang true to me. Now, before I get started, can I just make a blanket statement that I love women, and if I say anything stupid about women, please don't hate me. Thank you. However, I'm going to be treading carefully, because I don't want my throat slit.

Anyway, allow me to point out that I am aware of the very unjust treatment (to put it lightly) that women have endured all throughout history. I am, after all a history major of sorts, and it seems that in every class it follows this pattern: "This is the history, okay, now this is what it did to blacks, this is what it did to Indians, and this is what it did to women." I am aware that women have never been treated equally in the past, and that they are still, in many cases today, not treated fairly. However, I submit that people have become to hypersensitive to this, and that men are bearing the brunt of it, more specifically good-natured men who enjoy hanging around with women and who are actually quite kind to women, and who sometimes don't put tons of thought into every word they say, and end up saying something that could, if you are hyper-sensitive, be taken as a sexist comment. Then, said man ends up being verbally attacked as a sexist pig, and said woman never wants to talk to him again. Granted, that's probably close to being the worst-case scenario, but things similar to this, in varying degrees of severity, happen frequently to me, especially when I crack some of my favorite sexist jokes. I really don't see the problem behind this, especially when, by the definition of a feminist (one who believes in women's rights, and doesn't necessarily burn their bra) I am a feminist. I just think that those jokes are funny sometimes. Seriously. I mean, why wouldn't they give Helen Keller a drivers license? Because she was a woman! That's just hilarious.

At any rate, I may not have proved my commitment to women's equal rights here in this blog post, that wasn't my intent. My intent, if truth be told, was to think of something somewhat clever, and in that, I'm not sure I have succeeded. However, if you women who worry about my chauvinist tendencies wish to post inflammatory comments, go right ahead. Last time I blogged about something that I thought wasn't a big deal but was possibly controversial, I got reamed. So, go right ahead. Cliff out.

True Love

2009-11-06T11:21:00.001-08:00

All I can say about this image is that it is most definitely true love.

Nothing denotes love like references to the timeless Star Wars series, which always warms the heart, be it of man or woman, nerd or non-nerd.

While I'll admit that some of the imagery is kind of strong, it is understandable, and still awesome. I think that if I were the girl who received this note, I would have to accept this poor kid's love, and bestow mine upon him, though I would really have to think about it for a while. However, by the way this is written, you can tell how heartfelt it is. Plus, if I were to go into this relationship (as a woman) I would be the less attached party in the relationship and thus I would have the power.

That being said, this note is true love. The really unfortunate thing is that it isn't pictured in its entirety. That's all I have to say.

The Deadly Mustache

2009-11-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

Something I've noticed in my time here at BYU, and in general, not just here, is that there is a whole lot of prejudice out there against mustaches. I have personally experienced it. There have been some times when I have decided to grow a mustache, just for the fun of it, and have been going up to work or to class or whatever. When I do that, I find myself getting dirty looks, especially from girls. I start to wonder what could be inspiring this, but then I look down a little bit and remember that my hair in on my upper lip, and everything becomes clear. What is the deal with that? Mustaches can look absolutely awesome (see above). I don't see what the big deal is.

I think that part of the problem is that most girls don't realize just how obnoxious it is to shave one's face. I can speak from experience, having experimented with shaving legs before (that doesn't impune my manliness, I shaved a spiral onto one and checks onto the other), that shaving your face is much more of a pain, in more ways than one. And, if you cut yourself on your leg, at least you can cover it up. If I were to cover up my face, I would have to wear a ski mask, and then I would look even more like a creeper, not that I think I really look like a creeper when I have a mustache.

So, I would like to examine this problem. I think that the main problem is that mustaches are typically associated with people like this character here:
Even I'll admit that that guy is creepy, but I don't think he would be less creepy without the mustache. Observe:
You see? Still a creeper. Therefore, I conclude that the mustache only has minimal effect on the creepiness of a person. I don't think I look creepy with a mustache, I think I look awesome. However, I am unable to exercise said awesomeness for the same reason why I am unable to grow out a mullet: because so many women are prejudiced against them, and I want to be married someday.

With that, I make my end. I don't know if I've really argued my point well, but oh well.

Swine Flu!

2009-10-29T08:26:00.001-07:00

All I can say about the image at the left is that whoever drew it is an absolute genius. I, like everyone else in the world, have heard about swine flu, and about how it spreads like wildfire. I have been doing my best to cough and sneeze responsibly into my elbow or into a loose piece of clothing, though I find sneezing into my elbow less-effective in many cases, because I end up folding my arms right after.

However, there's something about this H1N1 flu strain that I don't get: What's the big deal? Sure, it spreads, sure it gets you sick, but for heaven's sake, it doesn't really kill people! Maybe I'm being completely ignorant, but from what I've been able to see, it's just the same as a regular flu! It can develop into brochitis. Well, so can the regular flu! I got bronchitis from the flu when I was in high school, which was a very long time before swine flu was even imagined. However, don't get me wrong. I take swine flu seriously. In fact, if you would like to know whether you have it, I suggest that you check out doihaveswineflu.org. They'll tell you whether you have it or not, and what to do about it. No, seriously, click on that link. It's important. You really need to know whether or not you have swine flu! If you do, you could be spreading it.

Okay, so is it bad that I treat this epidemic like a joke? Sorry if it is. The thing is, this flu is most likely to strike college students, people in the prime of life, which means that it is even less likely to kill people than normal. It is just obnoxious. That being said, I'm tired of all the hype and panic. I will continue to shake hands and hug people. I will leave my house when I cough. I only use hand sanitizer all the time because they have it for free all over campus and I like the novelty of it. Swine flu is seriously not that big of a deal, and I'm going to continue to live my life.

Thus, that being said, I return to the picture. I think that the denizens of the hundred acre wood know about swine flu, and how it isn't really dangerous. I think they've wanted an excuse to get rid of Piglet for years, and now they finally have it. "Goodbye, Piglet," says Rabbit. "Your days of pooping in my garden are over! I mean, uh, I don't want swine flu!" "So long, Piglet!," says Christopher Robin. "Maybe if you had grown a backbone I would have liked to keep you around--I mean...cough, cough, I might be getting swine flu! You need to get away from us!" Am I a really mean person? Maybe. That being said, I'm done with this post. Cliff out.

Felt Like I Should Write Something

2009-10-14T11:15:00.001-07:00

So, what to write? It's been a long time since I've made a blog post, and I feel like I'm letting my followers down. I'm in class right now, it's my Late Middle Ages class. It's an interesting class, and once I get my first midterm back, I'll make a judgment as to how much I like it. It's pretty interesting, though. Right now we're talking about the rise of cities. "The Rise of Cities." That sounds official. Maybe the cities rose...from the underworld! Okay, so that's a dumb joke. I'm afraid that I don't have a lot to talk about today, that is, unless you want to hear about my recent life, which I'm sure you don't. Okay, here's an idea.

I have elections on my mind lately. Ever since my roommates and I spotlit ourselves at ward prayer by pretending to be campaigning for Relief Society President, I've thought about it. What if I were running for office? I've done it before. In high school, I was elected the Senior Class Vice President, against a bunch of people who I thought were more popular than I was. I attribute it to my charisma. Either that or I was a lot more popular than I thought. My platform back then was that I essentially didn't have a platform. When I gave my speech for spotlight on Sunday night, my platform was that I would protect the girls (I pulled out my knife), and that I'm fat. I thought that that was a good platform, personally. However, I have other ideas. If I were to run for office, I hereby present my platform:

I am awesome. That's all.

With that, I make my end. To be quite truthful, I don't think I'd do an exceptionally good job at running for office, I think I'd pull a Howard Dean and everyone would think I'm insane. I'm not insane, I'm just enthusiastic! But, for your enjoyment, and for all who don't remember Howard Dean's winning scream from the primaries for the 2008 elections, I present the following:

That being said, I make an end. This is Cliff Chandler, out.

Danger...Continued

2009-09-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

Now, here's something to think about. As discussed in the last post about myself, Captain Danger is all about engaging in dangerous activities. However, there's something else to think about. Does proximity to Captain Danger pose a threat to anyone?

Well, the answer to that varies. First of all, it depends on who you are. I would say that danger varies based on whether you are a friend, a woman, or an enemy.

First of all, for friends. One friend of mine will insist that I am a cuddly teddy bear. While I don't especially appreciate that, I can't deny that I am a pretty cuddly guy. However, for my friends, she is essentially correct. I will say, that though I carry my knives and will often threaten my friends with them, I would never actually hurt one of my friends. That just isn't in me. When I make a friend, in fact, they automatically come under my protection, and should an enemy come at them and I'm in range, you can bet that I'll be standing there, ready to stop said enemy, but I get ahead of myself. Suffice it to say that I will not hurt my friends, and when my friends are in my presence, they are probably in less physical danger than they would normally be.

Second of all, there is the category of women. Now, I will grant that many of my best friends are women. However, I have warned them, and I think that they understand the risk that being in my presence puts them in enormous danger for having their hearts broken, repeatedly. It's a sad thing, but I can't marry every woman who falls in love with me, and being in my presence is sure to make a woman fall in love with me very quickly. I can't help it, that's just the way I roll. Thus, though it is sad to admit, the women in my life can be in grave danger when they are near me. However, my close friends who are females have managed to, for the most part, get used to me, and thus the danger is averted, as long as they don't let their guard down.

Finally, we have enemies. Of course, this depends on the enemy. For example, I typically designate the opposing team in sporting events as "the enemy." Those enemies are typically safe. However, there are some enemies who, if they were in my presence, would face a large amount of physical danger. For example, Osama bin Laden. Yeah, he'd get it. I'm still working on using my satellite connections to find that punk. However, he's on the side, as he hasn't ever affected me or my friends directly, per se. The people who I think of most when I think of enemies fall into the category of muggers or burglars or the like. I asked said friend, who insists on calling me a teddy bear, if he would still think of me as a teddy bear if I were standing between her and some mugger-rapist with my knife drawn in her defense. She said that she wouldn't. I said that's what I thought. Also, if any burglar were to break into my house and wake me up, they would definitely find that they had broken into the wrong house. My knives are handy in my pants (which, granted, I'm not wearing when I'm asleep) while I'm asleep, and they would be brought to bear very quickly. And, if I could get to my coat rack, I could bring a machete and a grappling hook to bear. They would not be happy to be there.

Anyway, I think my point is made. If you are friendly to me, you are in no immediate physical danger. If you are an enemy, you are. It's that simple. Thank you.

Just a Quick One

2009-09-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

I break from the plan, which was to discuss whether proximity to me (Captain Danger) actually poses any intrinsic danger to deliver this little gem:

This picture, spelled backwards, would probably spell pure genius. It's amazing. I have to say as well, it's true. Brethren do come before wenches, and that's the way it should be. Here's a shout-out to all of my brethren. That's all I have to say.

Captain Danger: Awesome or Egotistical?

2009-08-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

So, as my history paper-worthy title of this post says, this post is the promised sequel to the previous one, as to whether my self-applied nickname, Captain Danger, is merited. Let us begin. First of all, how does one define danger? Dictio nary.com says that danger is defined as " liability or exposure to harm or injury; risk; peril," " an instance or cause of peril; menace," or " Obsolete. power; jurisdiction; domain." While that last definition is obsolete, I definitely like it. Anyway, I am about to attempt, using real-life situations, that my superhero name is merited. While doing so, I may just prove that I'm awesome, and, that being the case, I figure that I can just call myself whatever the heck I want and have it be merited.

So, it stands to reason that Captain Danger would do dangerous things, correct? Well, let's start perusing his life. We'll start a while ago. Here we have Captain Danger, his preferred weapon in hand, one of his first victims in other hand, preparing to deal out some real damage. Okay, granted, it's a coconut, but how many people do you know who keep machetes in their house? I would guess that, for most of my readers, the answer to that is "not many." If there's something that denotes "exposure to harm," I would say that tossing a coconut up in the air and then wildly swinging at it with a machete does.

Next: we have this gem. Here I am, after a day of manhandling heavy fence posts into place and bending barb-studded wire to my will, standing at the edge of a precipitous drop into a place called Adam's Crick, which, I have to tell you, would not be fun to fall in. Trust me. One of the few things that make Captain Danger uneasy is proximity to heights from which he could fall and injure himself, and so, this picture definitely shows "risk."

As further proof, I offer the following:Now, the reader may say, "Now, Cliff, that's not dangerous! You're just riding a horse!" To that reader, I say, "You, sir (or madam) obviously don't know much about horses!" I may look to be very much at my ease, and I am in this picture, because I'm awesome. However, what many readers don't know is that most all horses are seething cauldrons of deceit and destruction, just waiting to destroy you when they feel the slightest hint of fear coming off of you. If you don't believe me, ask me sometime about the time when a horse sat on me and I couldn't lift my left arm for about a week. Not a pleasant experience. That was definitely "peril" if you ask me.

Gunfighting, as I'm sure most people will agree, is very dangerous. The idea of pacing off and then turning and firing definitely implies "liability or exposure to harm." Pieces of lead flying at fantastically fast velocities are very likely to cause harm to bodily tissues. Thankfully, I, Captain Danger, have yet to sustain harm from said pieces of flying lead. However, the chance is always there, as long as the gunfighting habit remains. However, this picture most definitely denotes danger.

On the right, we have another instance of exposure to harm by proximity to a precipitous drop. Granted, this time I'm clipped in to a rope, but you never know when said rope is going to give, and then where are you? You're stuck in a hole on the side of a wall with no way down. Of course, I'm Captain Danger, and as I have a pretty good hope that I will one day gain super powers, I'm not too worried. I'd just have to wait it out. But, for most people, this would be a very dangerous thing to attempt. Keep that in mind next time you trust a rope. "This rope could break at any time, and I have no hope of acquiring super powers in the future. Crap."

And, as the final piece of proof, I offer the most dangerous thing that I participate in: consorting with women. If anything denotes "an instance or cause of peril," it would be hanging around with women. While their company can be enjoyable, they tend to have evil boiling just under the surface that can explode at any time. Just look at that angry face on the specimen at the left!

With that, I conclude. I, personally, feel that the appellation "Captain Danger is entirely merited. I leave it up to the public to decide for themselves. The Cliff Chandler rests.

Captain Danger...Real or Imaginary?

2009-08-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

So, it has been pointed out recently by someone that I'm not up to my typical levels of Narcissism. I'm not sure why that is, but I can agree with that. However, I figured that a good way to remedy that would be to write a blog post about myself. Thus, I am proceeding to do just that.

I thought that, in a possible series of blog posts that I will write about myself, this first one should be about one of my screen names and something that I call myself very often, though it is often abbreviated to just "Captain." Yes, I am referring to the name of Captain Danger, which would, if I were a superhero, be my superhero name, though I think everyone would know it was me really fast. I don't think that would be a problem. If I were a superhero, I don't think I would bother with an alter-ego. Heck, I'm practically a superhero already. Anyway, the question is, how did I come up with that name? That is a good question, and I'm not really sure myself. However, to really know, I think we'll have to wind the clock back a couple years.

Picture me, Cliff Chandler, weighing about 10 pounds less (believe it or not) 2 years younger, and wandering around in Monticello. His friends at the time were really talking him up. His current friends do that, too, but the friends of that time for some reason really talked him up. If people say that Cliff is a conceited guy, they must know that it isn't entirely his fault. He has had a lot of people feeding it for a while. Back in the day (2 years ago) when 2-years-younger Cliff would say, "Man, I am so awesome!" about 3 people would usually chime in and say, "Holy crap, Cliff, you're right! How did you get that way?" 2-years-younger Cliff didn't usually have an answer, because he wasn't sure himself, though he had a few ideas. Anyway, around this time, 2-years-younger Cliff started to overuse the word danger a little bit. I currently do that a little bit, but for some reason, 2-years-younger Cliff had something of a fixation with it. When he would walk around in his apartment complex he would say, "Danger!" to announce himself, though it was usually to himself.

Now, something to keep in mind is that, ever since his mission, when 2-years-younger Cliff had gotten used to calling himself by his last name, he had been calling himself various things like Mr. Chandler, or Senor Candelario (Spanish), or Captain Chandler. It came only naturally that the word that 2-years-younger Cliff was fixed upon should become his new appellation. Thus it was that I, approximately two years ago, began calling myself Captain Danger. The name has stuck, at least for me, and has expanded so that even some others have started calling me that, at least sporadically. I'm sure that, someday, when I complete the superhero journey and get powers, I will be able to use that name.

These days, it has become such second nature for me to call myself by this name that when something happens, say, I trip, or slip on a rock that I'm climbing up, I talk to myself and say something to the effect of "Watch yourself, Captain," or "Ostarozhno, Captain." (Russian) People around me probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about, but hey, if I'm ever going to be a superhero, I have to have a little bit of mystery around me, right?

Well, in conclusion, this post has been so fun to write that I think it may be the beginning of a series of posts about me. In the next post, perhaps I'll address whether I am justified in calling myself Captain Danger. I'll already tell you, I think that I am. Thank you for reading.

A Part of My World

2009-07-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

I must say, there are some things in life that you certainly can't live without, and you wonder how you survived without them before you realized how cool they were. For me, this thing is the song Takin' Care of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Listen to the awesomeness:

So, that pretty much sums it up. However, I would like to share some reasons as to why that song is so awesome.

First is this: Takin' Care of Business + iPod + Cliff Chandler = SPEED! I can walk so fast with that song playing in my ears, and I can't even begin to say how many times it has gotten me to class or work on time when I otherwise wouldn't have made it. Heck, one time I was running late and I even had time to stop and open the door for a girl who was walking behind me. Yeah, it's that amazing. There are many songs that can make me walk faster, but I don't think that any of them get the job done as well as this one, my favorite, can.

Second is the intro. There are few other songs that can match this song when it comes to an awesome intro. Granted, this is my opinion, but I've found that my opinion is often correct. Yeah, that's right, I said that very narcissistic thing. Or, if you will, Clifficistic, my own personal brand of narcissism (thank you, Pear). At any rate, the intro is awesome. I gets you going before the words even start.

The message is also great. It makes me think of taking control of one's own situation, helping yourself out, and if nothing else, having a good time with your life, which is how I live. So ti's great.

Finally, there are very few songs that can pick me up when I'm feeling down like Takin' Care of Business can. Turn that sucker up really, really loud and rock out to it, air guitars and all, and there's nothing in this world that will still be bothering me after that. If the bother comes back, I can always play it again. It's that good. I could quote Madagascar 2 and say, "It never gets old," but I won't. Oh, crap.

Anyway, if Takin' Care of Business isn't your favorite song after reading this post, there is probably something wrong with you. Listen to it a couple more times and you'll probably get it.

What Would it Really Be Like?

2009-07-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

Most people are familiar with Mario. I can't lie, it's a classic and well-made game. It's had several different incarnations over the year, but my favorite is the Super Mario World for Super Nintendo. However, have you ever stopped to give it a little thought? Now, granted, it isn't supposed to be realistic, but still. Bowser has all of those minions, but they have these stupid conditions of how they should work. For example, green koopas will walk right off cliffs. That doesn't make any sense. Also, why does Bowser attach chains to those chompy guys? Why doesn't he just let them roam free? Then they would have a way easier time getting Mario, and he wouldn't even have to worry about Mario getting close to him, unless Mario became a first-person shooter. It really doesn't make a lot of sense. If you want to see a funny video and don't mind a little profanity (most of it is bleeped out) check this video out.

Another way to look at it is that it's kind of weird. I mean, why send one man, a plumber, no less, to go after the captured princess? Why not send the army? Why not send commandos? Why not send a knight in shining armor? A plumber just seems such an irrational choice. I would submit that a Mario more like the one in the following video, which is a really funny take on the whole thing, would be much more effective. Make sure to watch the video, I think it's awesome.

Well, that being said, I think it is time for me to take my leave. Remember, however, next time you turn on your outdated game system or power up the emulator on your computer, Mario doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, jumping on things to kill them? Why would they be less harmful to your feet than to the rest of your body? Please.

Is a Possible Stoning in Order? (of me)

2009-07-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm willing to say that the following image/analysis needs very little explanation. I just think it's awesome. Undoubtedly a lot of my readers have already seen it.

Now, I could go into detail as to why girls are evil, but that probably would get me stoned. That, and I would also sound bitter, and I'm not. I would, however, like to say that this is a clever manipulation of a subject that I don't like (math) to prove something that isn't really mathematic. You know, manipulation is probably a word that I should use more often. It sounds so sinister. Sinister is also a good word, which is kind of synonymous with evil. Kind of like girls. Anyway, I'm done.

How Can You Are So Hilarious?

2009-07-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Alright, so this post is likely to brand me as a racist, but I think that it is hilarious when foreigners mess up English. I don't like it because it makes them look dumb or anything, it's just that it often has really funny results. The resulting sentences, commonly called "Engrish," can be seen on signs and labels all over the place. For example, take a look at this little guy:
Now, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Grass does not smile. However, the people who made the sign wanted us to not walk on the grass. They did their best, but it kind of flopped. This is just a gem. I'm afraid I'll have to apologize, because things like the following little bits of Engrish require very little introduction or explanation. Suffice it to say that they are absolutely amazing.And, another little gem. No Chinese meal could end better than the following:
And, of the selection that I found for this post, my personal favorite:
There you have it, genius, inadvertently generated. Have a great day!

Natural Danger, but Not Too Much

2009-07-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm back on the kick of writing about natural phenomena. This time it's lightning, quite possibly the coolest natural phenomena on its danger scale. What's that you say? What's this "danger scale?" Allow me to explain. Natural phenomena have a scale of coolness vs. danger. Sometimes, the more dangerous they are the cooler they are. For example, sunsets are absolutely harmless, unless you stare directly at the sun part for two long, and if you do that you're a dipstick anyway. So, as far as the danger scale goes, (it's a 1-10 scale) sunsets would be a 1. Other things low on the danger scale would be things like rain, and other stuff. Heck, let me just write out a natural phenomena (I really like that word) danger scale right here. It won't have everything, and I may disagree with myself later, but it will be rather informative. Keep in mind that I'm kind of making this up as I go along.

Natural Phenomena Danger Scale
1: Rain, sunsets, sunny days
2: small (up to grape seed size) hail
3: snow, medium (up to marble size) hail
4: Dust devils
5: Lightning, small earthquakes
6: Slow flooding
7: Dust/sand storms, strong winds
8: Volcanoes (they usually happen away from people), medium earthquakes
9: Flash floods, alien invasions
10: Large earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis

So, there you have it, the danger scale. I have to point out that, though a lot of these things are scary, I would love to see every one of them. In fact, I have seen all of them up to number 6. Sure, they cause destruction, and they can be dangerous, but I would really like to observe these things from a distance, because the awesome power of God's creations is made manifest in them, and they would be really cool to watch.

However, as I was saying, lightning is the coolest thing on its danger scale. I put it in the middle, because there is an aspect of danger there, as it can cause forest fires and the like. However, one would have to be either really dumb or really unlucky to actually get struck by lightning. Therefore, it's relatively safe to go outside and watch.

So, aside from the danger, what's cool about lightning? Well, it's really awesome how it's generated, for one thing. I mean, who wouldn't be impressed by Zeus throwing lightning bol--wait, what? Static electricity? Oh, well, that's cool, too. In fact, I just looked at Wikipedia, and it turns out that we don't know exactly how lightning works, we just have a lot of hypotheses, and that's something else that makes it cool. It's almost magical!

I would like to put something in here about screaming, but I think that would be beating a dead horse. Besides, lightning doesn't really scream. It shoots! It engsmsplodes! It blasts across the sky and sometimes hits the ground. Lightning bolts can travel up to 60,000 meters per second (really fast)! It is also accompanied by thunder, which is also awesome. A loud, rolling boom, sometimes a crack. Being right in the middle of a thunderstorm is an awe-inspiring thing.

Well, I guess I've made this post a bit longer than I planned to. I hope you all still put in the effort to read it, because I like it. Just remember, pound for pound, lightning is a great way to get your money's worth when you are interested in natural phenomena. Dangerous enough to be edgy, not so dangerous that you're likely to die, and FLIPPIN' AWESOME!

More on Awesomeness

2009-07-02T12:12:00.001-07:00

I was shown this picture a while ago, and since then it has brought a smile to my face, if not a complete laugh, every time I've seen it. It is purely genius. However, this picture invites a bit of commentary, and since that's what I do on my blog, I figure I will provide said commentary.

First of all, what makes the cat so awesome? It's hard to say, but any dipstick could see that this cat just exudes awesomeness. It could be its disheveled appearance. It could be that it looks a little wet. it could be that it looks rather annoyed with having its picture taken. I could also be its positioning, with its ringed tail out in front of it. More than likely it's a combination of all of those things. However, I think it's pretty easy to say, without a lot of argument, that this sign is telling the truth and the cat pictured is awesome. I'm not a cat person, but I'm still willing to admit that this cat is awesome.

Second, it's obvious that this is the main joke of the picture, but I'm going to go ahead and explain it anyway. Posters like this are usually put up by people who are concerned about finding their lost pets. However, this poster is not concerned about that at all. It's just trying to get out the fact that this cat is awesome. I salute this effort. Far too little effort is put into things that aren't really for any particular purpose and are just fun. Granted, there are problems in the world that we could be fixing, but we can't do that all the time. Some time needs to be put in to just having a good time and helping other people to do the same. In fact, if more people in the world laughed more, this world would be a better place in general, so I salute the person responsible for this sign even more. Well, that's all I've got. With that, I make my end.

Let's Boogey!

2009-06-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I give my thanks to Clay for providing me with the picture that inspired this post. I don't know where I'll find my inspiration when he's no longer looking at random websites. So, into the post:

Typically, when we think of the Boogeyman, something like this comes to mind:
Yeah, really creepy. In fact, I almost regret that this is on my blog. However, it makes the contrast of this post more fun. the Boogeyman has been haunting the nightmares of children and jumpy adults for years. Wikipedia theorizes that the idea of the boogeyman has been around since 17th Century England. That's a long time for people who are afraid of the dark to be afraid of something that doesn't exist. This conception of a "Boogeyman" has been around for far too long, and it is false. It could even be being used by the mass media to keep us subjugated. You know, I wouldn't be overly surprised. Therefore, in order to keep our minds clear and out from under the iron heel of the mass media, I propose that the conception of the Boogeyman be changed. Behold:
There, I submit, is a much better version of the Boogie Man. Granted, this couldn't have existed in 17th Century England, but now that it can, I say we take advantage of it. And, while some would find this quite frightening, I think it's awesome. I don't know how it could get much cooler than a guy in awesome clothes discoing in your closet. I only wish my closet were big enough for disco! The contrast between this picture and the first is monumental, and I have to say that the second one is so much cooler. If not cooler, it is at least groovier, you can't argue with that. That being said, I make an end.

Back on the Weapons Kick

2009-06-21T08:33:00.001-07:00

So, first of all, I have to thank Clay for his use of the Firefox addon Stumbleupon for finding a lot of these amazing pictures for me. However, I am the one who does the very clever commentary. Therefore, as the latest thing that Clay has shared with me and that I, in turn, have decided to share with the world (or rather, the very few people who read my blog) is this little beauty to the left, or above, depending on how the formatting works out. Aren't the Internets an amazing thing? There is nowhere else where a person could find a picture of two besuited guys having it out with alligators as weapons.

So, this picture begs a few questions: First off, what caused the spat that these two are in? Is it a corporate power struggle? Are they both secret agents for opposing governments? As we know, all secret agents dress in suits and ties. James Bond made sure that we know that. Second, where did they get their hands on those alligators? Last time I checked, unless you're in Florida on a golf course, alligators are pretty hard to come by. However, the intensity of this battle leads one to believe that these two corporate executives/secret agents had to cast around for whatever weapons they could find at a moment's notice, and there were only alligators available, so they grabbed them and made do, using all of their stength to swing and block.

So, what are the advantages of using an alligator as a weapon? The list seems pretty short to me. However, one item for the list is that, not only do you get the blunt object damage, but alligators are also spikey. That, and they have teeth and claws, which I sure they would be all too happy to use in defense of their weilder.

I'm afraid that the disadvantages of using an alligator as a weapon far outweigh the advantages. First of all, alligators are heavy. Wikipedia reports that average weight for alligators is 800 pounds. Now, I'm no wus by any means, but I'll tell you what, I would have one heck of a time swinging around an 800 pound snarling, writhing animal. The power-hungry executives/agents of opposing world powers in the picture don't look nearly as big as me, and they appear to be weilding those alligators quite effortlessly, aside from putting all of their stength into their swings. I'm going to go ahead and not point out the fact that no self-respecting alligator would let itself be swung around by anyone, let alone a corporate power struggler or a James Bond wannabe.

Thus, we see that, though this picture does present an excellent idea, it is not very realistic. Therefore, if you want to use an unconventional weapon, I suggest you try the rocket-propelled chainsaw or the chainsaw nunchucks. Though these two weapons are much less alive than alligators, they will serve you better. That, and they are a lot lighter. Therefore, if you someday find yourself as a power-hungry corporate executive on the golf course in Florida with your superior and you want to bump him off, or a secret agent who has managed to coax his opponent from another country out into the open on a golf course in Florida, use a golf club to do the job. If he goes for the alligator and you go for the golf club, you will probably win.

The Sound of a Sunset

2009-06-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

So, it's possible that this post may call my manliness into question, and that I'm exposing a bit too much of my sensitive side, but what the heck. I've just blogged about Chuck Norris, Andrew Jones, how I hate the word LOL, and Danger, besides making fun of the French. I think that I might be allowed to pursue a slightly less intense topic.

So, I'll jump right into it. I think that sunsets are awesome. I have a few reasons for thinking this, and right now they're still formulating. However, one of them has been formulating in my head for a few days, so I'm read y to write about it. It's amazing just to look to the west and see a good sunset brewing and to know that before too long, you'll see all sorts of colors screaming across the sky. Yes, I did say screaming. You can almost hear those guys: "HOLY CRAP WE'RE COLORS! WE'RE MOVING REALLY FAST!" There are few things in nature as colorful or as magnificent (now there's a word I haven't used in a while) as a good solid sunset with a few clouds hanging around for the colors to scream off of. ("HOLY CRAP I JUST HIT A CLOUD! I'M A COLOR!")

Another reason why I like sunsets is that most of the time a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do something extraordinarily stupid. I can pride myself in the fact that I don't do a whole lot of exceptionally stupid things. Granted, I may do one or two stupid things every day, like, say, waking up early, or deciding to go to work instead of playing video games, things like that, but I don't typically do a whole lot of really, really stupid things. If I were to think of an example of something extraordinarily stupid, it would be calling a woman fat, or driving like an idiot and getting into a wreck, or any number of other things. I don't usually do things like that. But, I digress. Suffice it to say that on most days, a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do anything really dumb. As I look toward the west, I can almost hear those colors screaming about it. ("HOLY CRAP! CLIFF DIDN'T DO ANYTHING OVERLY STUPID TODAY! WE'RE COLORS!")

At any rate, that's all I've got on this subject. As the reader can see, I'm not that sensitive, and I don't think that have really invited anyone to impugn my manliness. With that, I end this post. Or rather, let's let some friends who will hopefully be making their appearance in the western sky tonight end it for us: "HOLY CRAP! THIS IS THE END OF THE BLOG POST! DID WE MENTION THAT WE'RE COLORS?!"

Chuck Norris

2009-05-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

In the annals of American, nay, world history, there is one man who stands above and beyond the rest. That man is Chuck Norris. Did you know that there is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer? Chuck Norris is always in control. This is a man who is more than human, a man who can run so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. This is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his start back in 1969, and began doing kung fu movies that would make Jason Statham proud. Early in his career, he got his butt kicked by Bruce Lee, while a kitten looked on. Those Asian movies are always a little weird like that. Wow, that guy is hairy. But then, as Chuck Norris is the symbol of all men, of course he would have to be hairy. As he continued, he was in Delta Force, a movie that I have never seen, but which looks awesome. On my desk at work, I have a copy of a picture from a magazine from 1986, which is a picture of Chuck Norris with a bazooka. The caption says, "Chuck Norris, reasoning with the bad guys." After that, he was in a few other little gems, until he finally became Walker, Texas Ranger. Very little has happened in his career since then, except for the advent of the amazing amount of Chuck Norris jokes. Remember, if you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

So, here's to the man who once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Erhart as she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Here's to the man who can win a game of connect four in only three moves. The man who doesn't sleep, he waits. Here's to Chuck Norris, the man, the legend.

Andrew Jones

2009-05-14T11:37:00.001-07:00

Well, Andrew keeps on pestering me to write a blog post about him, and I hate being pestered. However, no matter how many times I threaten to kill him, he won't let up. Therefore, here it is: The Truth About Andrew Jones.

Actually, if I'm totally honest, I'm still not entirely sure what to put here. Of course, I could shower him with praise, because he's a pretty cool guy, but no matter how I thought about the wording of that, it sounded gay, something that I typically try to avoid. Therefore, it's probably a better idea to discuss some of Andrew's eccentricities. Those are usually funnier anyway.

To begin with, Andrew has a real mind for ethics. If something is unethical, you can be sure that Andrew will be pointing it out really fast. Sometimes it's annoying, but having him around serves to keep all of us on the straight and narrow, and it's probably better that way. We're talking a very elevated sense of ethics. For example, he won't even jaywalk. Even if a whole group of people he's with are walking across the street, he will run down to the corner to cross and then catch up. Probably a little extreme, but if that's how you get your kicks, I can't knock on it.

Second, Andrew really has a thing with sports. There are very few things that he likes better than soccer, and if he finds out that a girl likes soccer, she becomes immeasurably more attractive to him. He's told me. However it isn't just soccer, but also football, ultimate, basketball, and a whole bunch of other sports that don't come to mind at the moment. Sure, lots of people like playing sports, but not really on the level that Andrew does. I wouldn't say it's an obsession. Let's put it at the sub-obsession level. That's a good place for it.

Third, Andrew likes to watch cartoons. This is a slightly lesser-known fact about Andrew, but it's true. Now, some of them are awesome, like Batman: The Brave and the Bold ("The Hammer of Justice is unisex.") or Star Wars: The Clone Wars. However, some I can't understand, like Dragonballz. That just doesn't appeal to me, and when he tries to explain it it just sounds utterly ridiculous. I've told him this before, so he shouldn't be offended. At any rate, that's kind of eccentric.

Fourth, Andrew has this thing with poking people. I who don't really like being poked, threaten to cut his finger off every time he tries it on me. However, more tolerant people are always subjected to his poking. I don't understand that. However, if that's how he gets his kicks, and he leaves me alone, I suppose I can't get too annoyed, though I don't understand what the hype is.

Anyway, that's about all I've got about Andrew. Don't get me wrong, he's a solid guy. However, I think that, in asking me to blog about him, he was kind of asking for this. Don't worry though, Andrew, I think you're cool, and when people bash on you behind your back, I defend you. Thus, I end this post.

Genius

2009-05-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing about the whole online chatting thing that annoys me, and there are several, but if I had to choose just one, I would choose "lol." It's hard to place exactly why it bothers me so much, but I'm going to try to explain in this blog post. My faithful readers should appreciate me racking my brains to understand myself for your benefit. I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.

Number 1: First of all, it took me a long time to figure out what "lol" even meant. I first started online chatting with my friends (not random strangers, mind you) when I was a freshman living in Deseret Towers, and when they would type "lol" I never had a clue what they meant. "Lol?" I would type, and then they would have to explain, and I would say, "So, you laughed out loud at what I just said? I didn't think it was that funny." Then I was glad that it was a text conversation, because otherwise things wouldn't have gotten all sorts of awkward.

Number 2: When someone types "lol," I know that they are very rarely actually laughing out loud. There's only one person who I know for sure is doing it, and she is awesome. Incidentally, she is also allowed to type "lol" when she chats with me, being the only one allowed. When chatting with other people, I sometimes let it slide, but my typical response is, "Are you really?" to which they usually reply, "No, I wasn't." That is, once I explain, because they typically don't understand. People just throw that little thing out there really fast without even thinking about what it means. That also bothers me. Am I being a whiner? Maybe. On to the next reason!

Number 3: How lazy are you? I mean, seriously. If someone you're chatting with types something funny, like, say, "Hey, did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands?" why can't you just type "that's funny!" or "haha!" It really doesn't take that much effort. If you're into chatting on the Internets, I'm hoping that you have the ability to type marginally fast, and if you can't type at least marginally fast, I pity you, poor, unfortunate soul. "Lol" is entirely unnecessary and rather obnoxious, if you ask me. Yes, I'm whining again. On to reason number 4!

Number 4: Okay, so I don't actually have a reason number four, I just wanted a good transition from the last one. In conclusion, "lol" is unnecessary, lazy, and misleading, as it is often a lie. That, and it makes six year olds drop their ice cream cones and cry for hours. Do you want a whole bunch of crying six year olds on your conscience? I know I don't. I rest my case.

Danger

2009-04-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

There comes a time, when you have to wonder, what is so awesome about something. Here, I wish to discuss one of my favorite words: Danger. What is it that makes this word so cool? Let's discuss.

Well, to begin with, I have to say that, though I thing my middle name is great, I really wish that my middle name were Danger, or, maybe I could have two middle names, and have one of them be Danger. That would be awesome. Then, when I was going to do something and someone said, "That sounds pretty dangerous." I could say, "Danger is my middle name..." (menacing stare) and not be lying! However, that is not to be, I'm afraid, unless I add Danger to my name, which is something that, now that I've written the preceding sentence fragment, I'm thinking about doing. However, it just sounds so menacing, and adds to the vibes that I try to exude at all times, that I'm not afraid of anything, and that there are few things that could best me.

Another reason why danger is such an awesome word is because of the things it's associated with. Things like red signs, and dangerous stuff, like, say, toxic waste (which can, in lucky cases, bestow super powers), or hot tar, or, other...stuff? There's a lot of very interesting things out there associated with the word danger, so it is awesome.

At any rate, I don't feel that this post is up to the standard, but it's been so long that I felt I had to write something. So, there you have it. Clifton Dean Danger Chandler. I do like the sound of that. I'll keep on considering it.

Dang Those French!

2009-04-11T12:49:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. That being the case, I have decided to take the easy way out, and make fun of people who are easy to make fun of. Thus, the lot falls upon the French. On the left is one of my favorite pictures ever. I'm going to go ahead and explain why it's funny.

First of all, most guys who have been through scouts, and anyone who has watched MacGyver knows that Swiss Army Knives are awesome. Those Swiss knew what they were doing. In fact, if what MacGyver does is at all accurate, a Swiss Army Knife can open pretty much any lock. I kind of want to buy one just to try it. Those blades are also a lot sturdier than they look. I can't say all the things that I've see MacGyver pry open with that thing. The French Army knife, on the other hand, would be useless to MacGyver. It does, however cover pretty much all of the functions the French Army needs.

First of all, the corkscrew. The French Army obviously needs to use corkscrews a lot. They must be drinking a lot to think up the genius ideas that they've had in the past. For example, the setting: World War I. The French Army obviously wants to look good, so, while they're drinking their wine (which they've opened with a corkscrew) they decide that their troops need to wear red pants. "Nothingsh fanshier than red pantsh!" they say, drunkenly, in French. So, the French Army goes off to battle, corkscrews in pockets, wearing red pants. I'd daresay that a lot of those corkscrews got shot.

Another situation where those corkscrews came in handy: The setting, between World War I and II. The French, frightened of the again growing German threat, break out their corkscrews again and start using all of their brain power. "I've got an idea," said one of them, in French. "Let's build a wall! Those dang Germans will never get past our wall! It worked for China, right?" So, the Maginot Line was created. What the French didn't know, probably because they were using their corkscrews too much, was that the Great Wall didn't really work for China, and that their precious Maginot Line was just going to be circumvented by the Germans.

This is where the white flag came in handy. Most countries, it seems, when they are invaded and capitol is taken, don't usually give up. The typical response is hiding in the hills and employing Guerilla Warfare. Maybe there were some people in France who did that. I really couldn't say. I'm not too well acquainted with the history there. However, I know that the main body of the French government did nothing of the sort. When they saw the German tanks bearing down on Paris, their first response wasn't to run and regroup, it was to pull those French Army Knives out of their pockets and wave that white flag with all the strength they could muster. "Holy crap! Tanks! We don't stand a chance!" they said, timidly, in French.

Thus, we have the French Army Knife. With its roots in World Wars I and II, it's a perfect accessory for any Frenchman. Price on request.

The Unexplainable Explained!

2009-03-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

The picture claims to be unexplainable. I beg to differ. In this post, I, Cliff Chandler, will use my amazing powers of deduction to solve the mystery of the dipstick with the sewing machine.

Explanation #1:
This dude was on his way to the prom, thus the tuxedo. As he was walking out the door to his UPS truck (He works for UPS and he's too poor to get any other mode of transportation.) he realizes that there's a rip in his jacket. He has to go and pick up the photographer and his date, in that order, and he's already running a little late, so he quickly runs back into the house and grabs a sewing machine, figuring he'll just find a quiet corner at the dance and fix his jacket in a flash. So, he heads out, puts the sewing machine in his UPS truck and drives over to the photographer's house, hitting a little bit of traffic on the way, making him even later than he already was. Thus, with the photographer in the passenger seat, he started screaming over to his date's place to pick her up. On the way there, he saw the river trail, which looked wide enough for his truck. The photographer said to go for it. They were late, after all, so he jumped the curb and drove up onto the river trail. He was screaming down it, going 50 or 60 miles per hour, and it was looking like they were going to make up quite a bit of time, when a cop jumped out in front of them, telling them to stop, since it's illegal to drive UPS trucks on river trails. The guy stopped, but he didn't want to have to have and episode with the cops, since he was already late, and his date was really attractive. Thus, he jammed the truck into reverse and started shooting back down the trail backwards. However, what I forgot to mention earlier was that he had only started working for UPS a couple weeks ago, so was still not entirely adept at driving UPS trucks, especially in reverse. So, he lost control of the truck and it went backwards into the river. He and the photographer jumped clear at the last minute, remarkably landing on their feet, clean and unscathed. The doofus even managed to grab his sewing machine! Those things are expensive, he wasn't going to leave it in the truck. Well, the cops took him into custody and his boss showed up. Eventually, the cops were chatting with his boss about how stupid this kid was, and the kid, figuring that his date was done, and that the girl he was going out with was probably either crying in her room or shredding pictures of him, decided to make the best of a bad situation and use the photographer he had paid for. Thus, they took a picture. This guy was pretty proud of his sewing machine, so he held it up in the picture. Yup, with a hair-brained scheme like this, that sewing machine is going to be about the only date you ever have, dude.

Explanation #2:
Same as #1, except that he bought the sewing machine as a gift for his date, because vacuums are outdated and stoves are too heavy and expensive.

Explanation #3:
A UPS driver was driving along, making his deliveries, minding his own business, when he saw a squirrel run onto the river trail. Now, more than anything, this UPS driver hated squirrels, because a rabid squirrel had killed his father. He jumped the curb and started chasing the squirrel with his UPS truck. Three cops were nearby, and they saw this man driving recklessly in a park and rushed to apprehend him. As they did, the driver hit the squirrel, and taking great joy in his victory, put his truck into reverse so he could get out of there before the cops could catch him. However, he was a little too happy over his victory, and wasn't paying attention, so he backed his truck down an embankment and into the river. The police pulled him out of the truck as he chuckled evilly to himself. Then, a dipstick in a tuxedo showed up. "My name is Bond, James Bond," he said, brandishing his sewing machine. "It is my duty to save all UPS drivers who fall into rivers. I have a lot of sympathy for them. My brother once did it on his way to a date." The cops told him to shut up and go away. An attractive female jogger on the trail saw the scene, and thinking it was too amazing to let go unrecorded, asked the dipstick to pose, and took a picture of the whole thing with her camera phone.

Explanation #4:
Some person with way too much time on their hands started messing around with photoshop.

Explanation #5:
The dipstick felt like being classy one day. Perhaps he was messing with one of his coworkers. After work, his mother asked him to go to the sewing machine repair shop and pick up her repaired sewing machine. He went, but was too lazy to change out of his tuxedo. On his way home, he decided to walk along the river trail, since it was shorter, and he loved to walk along the river and see the animals. Sewing machine in hand, he came upon the scene of a UPS truck backed into the river. The driver was standing there with three cops, saying, "It came out of nowhere, I swear! I normally really like squirrels, but I just had to kill this one!" "Dang," thought the kid with the sewing machine. "If only my cousin, Bond, James Bond were here, he would get that UPS driver out of this jam. He hates coppers and his brother is a UPS driver. Oh well. I guess I'll just take a picture to show him the good he could have done if he had been here."

Explanation #6:
The kid had a plan in which he dressed up to rob a casino. That didn't turn out too well, and he had to run. His only available vehicle was a UPS truck. On the way out of the casino he picked up a sewing machine that just happened to be sitting there. He had always loved sewing machines, and thought it was a shame to leave it lying around. So, he took off in the UPS truck, with the cops in hot pursuit. He tried to lose them on the river trail, but quickly saw that his way was blocked by a cement barrier. When he tried to back up, he fell in the river. The cops caught him, and they took mug shots with the sewing machine as evidence. Meanwhile the cops chatted with the real driver of the UPS truck, who was pretty ticked. "If only Bond, James Bond had been here!" he said. "He'd show this dipstick that you don't mess with UPS drivers! He'd kill that kid with his own sewing machine!"

Another Amazing Weapon

2009-03-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

I promised to blog about another amazing weapon that included chainsaws, and here you have it. On the left is an image of a rocket propelled chainsaw. Click to enlarge.Why is this picture amazing? Why are rocket propelled chainsaws flippin' awesome? I'll explain.

First of all, I would submit that most anything rocket propelled is absolutely awesome. Think about it. There are: rocket propelled grenades, rocket propelled race cars, rocket propelled motor cycles, rocket propelled rockets, etc. Most anything that is propelled by a rocket engine is going to be awesome. There's just something cool about having fire coming out of the back of something at a terrific speed to get it to fly forward (or up, as the case may be).

Second, it includes a chainsaw. I've already discussed just why chainsaws are so amazing, but I would like to point out that a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes cool noises, coupled with the "whoosh!" of a rocket engine would pretty much be one of the most frightening things you could ever hear coming at you. And, while I'm sure that something that explodes would be much more effective, this is definitely a cool weapon, and I'm sure it would, if nothing else, take out one person, and then intimidate the crap out of the rest of your enemies. If I were to see a chainsaw come flying through the air and impale one of my comrades, still spinning, I think that even I would be intimidated, and that's saying something, because I'm Cliff Chandler.

Thus, we have yet another amazing weapon. The rocket propelled chainsaw. More posts are in the works.

Poetry? From Cliff?

2009-03-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

So, I don't usually hold with poetry, but this one is too amazing not to share with the limited audience that reads my blog. A big thanks to Mr. F. Weston Beck for showing it to me back in his bitter days.

The Time I've Lost
--Thomas Moore

The time I've lost in wooing,
In watcing and pursuing
The light that lies
In woman's eyes,
Has been my heart's undoing.
Tho' Wisdom oft has sought me,
I scorn'd the lore she brought me,
My only books
Were women's looks,
And folly's all they taught me.

Her smile when Beauty granted,
I hung with gaze enchanted,
Like him the Sprite
Whom maids by night
Oft met in glen that's haunted.
Like him, too, Beauty won me;
But when the spell was on me,
If once their ray
Was turn'd away,
O! winds could not outrun me.

And are these follies going?
And is my proud heart growing
Too cold or wise
For brilliant eyes
Again to set it glowing?
No--vain, alas! th'endeavor
From bonds so sweet to sever:
Poor Wisdom's chance
Against a glance
Is now as weak as ever.

Like I said, amazing. Before I proceed, I would like to point out that I'm not bitter, at least not much. That being said, I really find it funny when people look at chasing women as pure folly, but pure folly that is impossible to avoid. It's like women are drugs. One's "own personal brand of heroin," if you will, and though the writer knows it's dumb to follow women, he can't stop. Do I feel like this sometimes? Probably. However, unlike Mr. Thomas Moore, I have the ability to stop at any time, (like the mechanic addicted to brake fluid) I just choose not to.

Coolest Weapon EVER!

2009-03-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

On your left is pictured Batman, one of my very favorite super heroes (next to Spiderman) with a weapon that only he could use: Chainsaw Nunchucks. I don't know if I've ever seen a weapon quite as awesome as this one. It is awesome for a few reasons.

First of all it includes chainsaws. Chainsaws are one of the coolest things ever invented. Who had the brains to think of that? "You see, it's a chain that spins, and it has blades on it!" Absolute genius. Chainsaws are very useful. I've cut my share of logs with them, and have found them to be very effective for that. However, as we've seen from video games and stupid horror movies, chainsaws can double as effective, albeit very messy, weapons in a pinch. The only problem is their limited range.

Second, nunchucks are amazing weapons as well. While not necessarily the safest weapon ever for the user, and not necessarily the most effective weapon against other weapons like swords or staves (see Wikipedia), they are still awesome, because I say they are. I happen to own a pair of jaguar nunchucks, and they are wicked cool. I would also say that I'm pretty skilled with them, even with the limited practice that I've had. One of the advantages of nunchucks is that they have a bit of a longer range than just hitting someone with a stick would have. You are also able to put more power behind them, because of leverage.

Thus, Batman has one of the ultimate weapons. It's two machines that consist of a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes awesome noises that are attached to each other with a chain, giving more power in the swing. Skeptics may say, "You don't need more power! It's a chainsaw! It will cut through things without much force behind it, and putting too much force behind a chainsaw will probably just break it!" To the skeptics I say, "He's Batman! He knows what he's doing! You don't question Batman, he'll kick your butt! Especially if he has chainsaw nunchucks!"

Yes, that's correct. Coolest. Weapon. Ever, except perhaps for another weapon, which I may blog about later.

The Most Amazing Blog Post You'll Ever Read

2009-03-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

PRANK POST!!!!!