Chuck Norris

In the annals of American, nay, world history, there is one man who stands above and beyond the rest. That man is Chuck Norris. Did you know that there is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer? Chuck Norris is always in control. This is a man who is more than human, a man who can run so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. This is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his start back in 1969, and began doing kung fu movies that would make Jason Statham proud. Early in his career, he got his butt kicked by Bruce Lee, while a kitten looked on. Those Asian movies are always a little weird like that. Wow, that guy is hairy. But then, as Chuck Norris is the symbol of all men, of course he would have to be hairy. As he continued, he was in Delta Force, a movie that I have never seen, but which looks awesome. On my desk at work, I have a copy of a picture from a magazine from 1986, which is a picture of Chuck Norris with a bazooka. The caption says, "Chuck Norris, reasoning with the bad guys." After that, he was in a few other little gems, until he finally became Walker, Texas Ranger. Very little has happened in his career since then, except for the advent of the amazing amount of Chuck Norris jokes. Remember, if you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

So, here's to the man who once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Erhart as she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Here's to the man who can win a game of connect four in only three moves. The man who doesn't sleep, he waits. Here's to Chuck Norris, the man, the legend.

Andrew Jones

Well, Andrew keeps on pestering me to write a blog post about him, and I hate being pestered. However, no matter how many times I threaten to kill him, he won't let up. Therefore, here it is: The Truth About Andrew Jones.

Actually, if I'm totally honest, I'm still not entirely sure what to put here. Of course, I could shower him with praise, because he's a pretty cool guy, but no matter how I thought about the wording of that, it sounded gay, something that I typically try to avoid. Therefore, it's probably a better idea to discuss some of Andrew's eccentricities. Those are usually funnier anyway.

To begin with, Andrew has a real mind for ethics. If something is unethical, you can be sure that Andrew will be pointing it out really fast. Sometimes it's annoying, but having him around serves to keep all of us on the straight and narrow, and it's probably better that way. We're talking a very elevated sense of ethics. For example, he won't even jaywalk. Even if a whole group of people he's with are walking across the street, he will run down to the corner to cross and then catch up. Probably a little extreme, but if that's how you get your kicks, I can't knock on it.

Second, Andrew really has a thing with sports. There are very few things that he likes better than soccer, and if he finds out that a girl likes soccer, she becomes immeasurably more attractive to him. He's told me. However it isn't just soccer, but also football, ultimate, basketball, and a whole bunch of other sports that don't come to mind at the moment. Sure, lots of people like playing sports, but not really on the level that Andrew does. I wouldn't say it's an obsession. Let's put it at the sub-obsession level. That's a good place for it.

Third, Andrew likes to watch cartoons. This is a slightly lesser-known fact about Andrew, but it's true. Now, some of them are awesome, like Batman: The Brave and the Bold ("The Hammer of Justice is unisex.") or Star Wars: The Clone Wars. However, some I can't understand, like Dragonballz. That just doesn't appeal to me, and when he tries to explain it it just sounds utterly ridiculous. I've told him this before, so he shouldn't be offended. At any rate, that's kind of eccentric.

Fourth, Andrew has this thing with poking people. I who don't really like being poked, threaten to cut his finger off every time he tries it on me. However, more tolerant people are always subjected to his poking. I don't understand that. However, if that's how he gets his kicks, and he leaves me alone, I suppose I can't get too annoyed, though I don't understand what the hype is.

Anyway, that's about all I've got about Andrew. Don't get me wrong, he's a solid guy. However, I think that, in asking me to blog about him, he was kind of asking for this. Don't worry though, Andrew, I think you're cool, and when people bash on you behind your back, I defend you. Thus, I end this post.

Genius

If there's one thing about the whole online chatting thing that annoys me, and there are several, but if I had to choose just one, I would choose "lol." It's hard to place exactly why it bothers me so much, but I'm going to try to explain in this blog post. My faithful readers should appreciate me racking my brains to understand myself for your benefit. I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.

Number 1: First of all, it took me a long time to figure out what "lol" even meant. I first started online chatting with my friends (not random strangers, mind you) when I was a freshman living in Deseret Towers, and when they would type "lol" I never had a clue what they meant. "Lol?" I would type, and then they would have to explain, and I would say, "So, you laughed out loud at what I just said? I didn't think it was that funny." Then I was glad that it was a text conversation, because otherwise things wouldn't have gotten all sorts of awkward.

Number 2: When someone types "lol," I know that they are very rarely actually laughing out loud. There's only one person who I know for sure is doing it, and she is awesome. Incidentally, she is also allowed to type "lol" when she chats with me, being the only one allowed. When chatting with other people, I sometimes let it slide, but my typical response is, "Are you really?" to which they usually reply, "No, I wasn't." That is, once I explain, because they typically don't understand. People just throw that little thing out there really fast without even thinking about what it means. That also bothers me. Am I being a whiner? Maybe. On to the next reason!

Number 3: How lazy are you? I mean, seriously. If someone you're chatting with types something funny, like, say, "Hey, did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands?" why can't you just type "that's funny!" or "haha!" It really doesn't take that much effort. If you're into chatting on the Internets, I'm hoping that you have the ability to type marginally fast, and if you can't type at least marginally fast, I pity you, poor, unfortunate soul. "Lol" is entirely unnecessary and rather obnoxious, if you ask me. Yes, I'm whining again. On to reason number 4!

Number 4: Okay, so I don't actually have a reason number four, I just wanted a good transition from the last one. In conclusion, "lol" is unnecessary, lazy, and misleading, as it is often a lie. That, and it makes six year olds drop their ice cream cones and cry for hours. Do you want a whole bunch of crying six year olds on your conscience? I know I don't. I rest my case.

Danger

There comes a time, when you have to wonder, what is so awesome about something. Here, I wish to discuss one of my favorite words: Danger. What is it that makes this word so cool? Let's discuss.

Well, to begin with, I have to say that, though I thing my middle name is great, I really wish that my middle name were Danger, or, maybe I could have two middle names, and have one of them be Danger. That would be awesome. Then, when I was going to do something and someone said, "That sounds pretty dangerous." I could say, "Danger is my middle name..." (menacing stare) and not be lying! However, that is not to be, I'm afraid, unless I add Danger to my name, which is something that, now that I've written the preceding sentence fragment, I'm thinking about doing. However, it just sounds so menacing, and adds to the vibes that I try to exude at all times, that I'm not afraid of anything, and that there are few things that could best me.

Another reason why danger is such an awesome word is because of the things it's associated with. Things like red signs, and dangerous stuff, like, say, toxic waste (which can, in lucky cases, bestow super powers), or hot tar, or, other...stuff? There's a lot of very interesting things out there associated with the word danger, so it is awesome.

At any rate, I don't feel that this post is up to the standard, but it's been so long that I felt I had to write something. So, there you have it. Clifton Dean Danger Chandler. I do like the sound of that. I'll keep on considering it.

Dang Those French!

It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. That being the case, I have decided to take the easy way out, and make fun of people who are easy to make fun of. Thus, the lot falls upon the French. On the left is one of my favorite pictures ever. I'm going to go ahead and explain why it's funny.

First of all, most guys who have been through scouts, and anyone who has watched MacGyver knows that Swiss Army Knives are awesome. Those Swiss knew what they were doing. In fact, if what MacGyver does is at all accurate, a Swiss Army Knife can open pretty much any lock. I kind of want to buy one just to try it. Those blades are also a lot sturdier than they look. I can't say all the things that I've see MacGyver pry open with that thing. The French Army knife, on the other hand, would be useless to MacGyver. It does, however cover pretty much all of the functions the French Army needs.

First of all, the corkscrew. The French Army obviously needs to use corkscrews a lot. They must be drinking a lot to think up the genius ideas that they've had in the past. For example, the setting: World War I. The French Army obviously wants to look good, so, while they're drinking their wine (which they've opened with a corkscrew) they decide that their troops need to wear red pants. "Nothingsh fanshier than red pantsh!" they say, drunkenly, in French. So, the French Army goes off to battle, corkscrews in pockets, wearing red pants. I'd daresay that a lot of those corkscrews got shot.

Another situation where those corkscrews came in handy: The setting, between World War I and II. The French, frightened of the again growing German threat, break out their corkscrews again and start using all of their brain power. "I've got an idea," said one of them, in French. "Let's build a wall! Those dang Germans will never get past our wall! It worked for China, right?" So, the Maginot Line was created. What the French didn't know, probably because they were using their corkscrews too much, was that the Great Wall didn't really work for China, and that their precious Maginot Line was just going to be circumvented by the Germans.

This is where the white flag came in handy. Most countries, it seems, when they are invaded and capitol is taken, don't usually give up. The typical response is hiding in the hills and employing Guerilla Warfare. Maybe there were some people in France who did that. I really couldn't say. I'm not too well acquainted with the history there. However, I know that the main body of the French government did nothing of the sort. When they saw the German tanks bearing down on Paris, their first response wasn't to run and regroup, it was to pull those French Army Knives out of their pockets and wave that white flag with all the strength they could muster. "Holy crap! Tanks! We don't stand a chance!" they said, timidly, in French.

Thus, we have the French Army Knife. With its roots in World Wars I and II, it's a perfect accessory for any Frenchman. Price on request.

The Unexplainable Explained!

The picture claims to be unexplainable. I beg to differ. In this post, I, Cliff Chandler, will use my amazing powers of deduction to solve the mystery of the dipstick with the sewing machine.

Explanation #1:
This dude was on his way to the prom, thus the tuxedo. As he was walking out the door to his UPS truck (He works for UPS and he's too poor to get any other mode of transportation.) he realizes that there's a rip in his jacket. He has to go and pick up the photographer and his date, in that order, and he's already running a little late, so he quickly runs back into the house and grabs a sewing machine, figuring he'll just find a quiet corner at the dance and fix his jacket in a flash. So, he heads out, puts the sewing machine in his UPS truck and drives over to the photographer's house, hitting a little bit of traffic on the way, making him even later than he already was. Thus, with the photographer in the passenger seat, he started screaming over to his date's place to pick her up. On the way there, he saw the river trail, which looked wide enough for his truck. The photographer said to go for it. They were late, after all, so he jumped the curb and drove up onto the river trail. He was screaming down it, going 50 or 60 miles per hour, and it was looking like they were going to make up quite a bit of time, when a cop jumped out in front of them, telling them to stop, since it's illegal to drive UPS trucks on river trails. The guy stopped, but he didn't want to have to have and episode with the cops, since he was already late, and his date was really attractive. Thus, he jammed the truck into reverse and started shooting back down the trail backwards. However, what I forgot to mention earlier was that he had only started working for UPS a couple weeks ago, so was still not entirely adept at driving UPS trucks, especially in reverse. So, he lost control of the truck and it went backwards into the river. He and the photographer jumped clear at the last minute, remarkably landing on their feet, clean and unscathed. The doofus even managed to grab his sewing machine! Those things are expensive, he wasn't going to leave it in the truck. Well, the cops took him into custody and his boss showed up. Eventually, the cops were chatting with his boss about how stupid this kid was, and the kid, figuring that his date was done, and that the girl he was going out with was probably either crying in her room or shredding pictures of him, decided to make the best of a bad situation and use the photographer he had paid for. Thus, they took a picture. This guy was pretty proud of his sewing machine, so he held it up in the picture. Yup, with a hair-brained scheme like this, that sewing machine is going to be about the only date you ever have, dude.

Explanation #2:
Same as #1, except that he bought the sewing machine as a gift for his date, because vacuums are outdated and stoves are too heavy and expensive.

Explanation #3:
A UPS driver was driving along, making his deliveries, minding his own business, when he saw a squirrel run onto the river trail. Now, more than anything, this UPS driver hated squirrels, because a rabid squirrel had killed his father. He jumped the curb and started chasing the squirrel with his UPS truck. Three cops were nearby, and they saw this man driving recklessly in a park and rushed to apprehend him. As they did, the driver hit the squirrel, and taking great joy in his victory, put his truck into reverse so he could get out of there before the cops could catch him. However, he was a little too happy over his victory, and wasn't paying attention, so he backed his truck down an embankment and into the river. The police pulled him out of the truck as he chuckled evilly to himself. Then, a dipstick in a tuxedo showed up. "My name is Bond, James Bond," he said, brandishing his sewing machine. "It is my duty to save all UPS drivers who fall into rivers. I have a lot of sympathy for them. My brother once did it on his way to a date." The cops told him to shut up and go away. An attractive female jogger on the trail saw the scene, and thinking it was too amazing to let go unrecorded, asked the dipstick to pose, and took a picture of the whole thing with her camera phone.

Explanation #4:
Some person with way too much time on their hands started messing around with photoshop.

Explanation #5:
The dipstick felt like being classy one day. Perhaps he was messing with one of his coworkers. After work, his mother asked him to go to the sewing machine repair shop and pick up her repaired sewing machine. He went, but was too lazy to change out of his tuxedo. On his way home, he decided to walk along the river trail, since it was shorter, and he loved to walk along the river and see the animals. Sewing machine in hand, he came upon the scene of a UPS truck backed into the river. The driver was standing there with three cops, saying, "It came out of nowhere, I swear! I normally really like squirrels, but I just had to kill this one!" "Dang," thought the kid with the sewing machine. "If only my cousin, Bond, James Bond were here, he would get that UPS driver out of this jam. He hates coppers and his brother is a UPS driver. Oh well. I guess I'll just take a picture to show him the good he could have done if he had been here."

Explanation #6:
The kid had a plan in which he dressed up to rob a casino. That didn't turn out too well, and he had to run. His only available vehicle was a UPS truck. On the way out of the casino he picked up a sewing machine that just happened to be sitting there. He had always loved sewing machines, and thought it was a shame to leave it lying around. So, he took off in the UPS truck, with the cops in hot pursuit. He tried to lose them on the river trail, but quickly saw that his way was blocked by a cement barrier. When he tried to back up, he fell in the river. The cops caught him, and they took mug shots with the sewing machine as evidence. Meanwhile the cops chatted with the real driver of the UPS truck, who was pretty ticked. "If only Bond, James Bond had been here!" he said. "He'd show this dipstick that you don't mess with UPS drivers! He'd kill that kid with his own sewing machine!"

Another Amazing Weapon

I promised to blog about another amazing weapon that included chainsaws, and here you have it. On the left is an image of a rocket propelled chainsaw. Click to enlarge.Why is this picture amazing? Why are rocket propelled chainsaws flippin' awesome? I'll explain.

First of all, I would submit that most anything rocket propelled is absolutely awesome. Think about it. There are: rocket propelled grenades, rocket propelled race cars, rocket propelled motor cycles, rocket propelled rockets, etc. Most anything that is propelled by a rocket engine is going to be awesome. There's just something cool about having fire coming out of the back of something at a terrific speed to get it to fly forward (or up, as the case may be).

Second, it includes a chainsaw. I've already discussed just why chainsaws are so amazing, but I would like to point out that a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes cool noises, coupled with the "whoosh!" of a rocket engine would pretty much be one of the most frightening things you could ever hear coming at you. And, while I'm sure that something that explodes would be much more effective, this is definitely a cool weapon, and I'm sure it would, if nothing else, take out one person, and then intimidate the crap out of the rest of your enemies. If I were to see a chainsaw come flying through the air and impale one of my comrades, still spinning, I think that even I would be intimidated, and that's saying something, because I'm Cliff Chandler.

Thus, we have yet another amazing weapon. The rocket propelled chainsaw. More posts are in the works.