Thursday, April 30, 2009


There comes a time, when you have to wonder, what is so awesome about something. Here, I wish to discuss one of my favorite words: Danger. What is it that makes this word so cool? Let's discuss.

Well, to begin with, I have to say that, though I thing my middle name is great, I really wish that my middle name were Danger, or, maybe I could have two middle names, and have one of them be Danger. That would be awesome. Then, when I was going to do something and someone said, "That sounds pretty dangerous." I could say, "Danger is my middle name..." (menacing stare) and not be lying! However, that is not to be, I'm afraid, unless I add Danger to my name, which is something that, now that I've written the preceding sentence fragment, I'm thinking about doing. However, it just sounds so menacing, and adds to the vibes that I try to exude at all times, that I'm not afraid of anything, and that there are few things that could best me.

Another reason why danger is such an awesome word is because of the things it's associated with. Things like red signs, and dangerous stuff, like, say, toxic waste (which can, in lucky cases, bestow super powers), or hot tar, or, other...stuff? There's a lot of very interesting things out there associated with the word danger, so it is awesome.

At any rate, I don't feel that this post is up to the standard, but it's been so long that I felt I had to write something. So, there you have it. Clifton Dean Danger Chandler. I do like the sound of that. I'll keep on considering it.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dang Those French!

It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. That being the case, I have decided to take the easy way out, and make fun of people who are easy to make fun of. Thus, the lot falls upon the French. On the left is one of my favorite pictures ever. I'm going to go ahead and explain why it's funny.

First of all, most guys who have been through scouts, and anyone who has watched MacGyver knows that Swiss Army Knives are awesome. Those Swiss knew what they were doing. In fact, if what MacGyver does is at all accurate, a Swiss Army Knife can open pretty much any lock. I kind of want to buy one just to try it. Those blades are also a lot sturdier than they look. I can't say all the things that I've see MacGyver pry open with that thing. The French Army knife, on the other hand, would be useless to MacGyver. It does, however cover pretty much all of the functions the French Army needs.

First of all, the corkscrew. The French Army obviously needs to use corkscrews a lot. They must be drinking a lot to think up the genius ideas that they've had in the past. For example, the setting: World War I. The French Army obviously wants to look good, so, while they're drinking their wine (which they've opened with a corkscrew) they decide that their troops need to wear red pants. "Nothingsh fanshier than red pantsh!" they say, drunkenly, in French. So, the French Army goes off to battle, corkscrews in pockets, wearing red pants. I'd daresay that a lot of those corkscrews got shot.

Another situation where those corkscrews came in handy: The setting, between World War I and II. The French, frightened of the again growing German threat, break out their corkscrews again and start using all of their brain power. "I've got an idea," said one of them, in French. "Let's build a wall! Those dang Germans will never get past our wall! It worked for China, right?" So, the Maginot Line was created. What the French didn't know, probably because they were using their corkscrews too much, was that the Great Wall didn't really work for China, and that their precious Maginot Line was just going to be circumvented by the Germans.

This is where the white flag came in handy. Most countries, it seems, when they are invaded and capitol is taken, don't usually give up. The typical response is hiding in the hills and employing Guerilla Warfare. Maybe there were some people in France who did that. I really couldn't say. I'm not too well acquainted with the history there. However, I know that the main body of the French government did nothing of the sort. When they saw the German tanks bearing down on Paris, their first response wasn't to run and regroup, it was to pull those French Army Knives out of their pockets and wave that white flag with all the strength they could muster. "Holy crap! Tanks! We don't stand a chance!" they said, timidly, in French.

Thus, we have the French Army Knife. With its roots in World Wars I and II, it's a perfect accessory for any Frenchman. Price on request.