Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Holy Crap!

Going along with my usual fixation with everything dangerous, I give you the glorious tidbit at the left. A bear in a taxi? What the crap? According to the web site I found this picture on, it is in Russia. That explains it a little bit. Those Russians come up with some crap that's almost as crazy as some Japanese crap. (No offense to anyone who is Russian or Japanese) Anyway, I, Cliff Chandler, Captain Danger, the one, the only, the amazing, will endeavor, once again, to explain the picture in question. It may be long, it may be hard, but when has that ever stopped me? And DON'T say, "All the time." I'll kill you. Anyway, here goes!

So, this taxi is driving by the zoo and he sees a whole bunch of people running out and screaming in Russian. "БЛИН!!!!" they yelled. "Существует медведь сыпучих!!!!" For any Russians reading this, I'm sure that's wrong, I just picked it up from Google Translate. Anyway, the cab driver didn't think much of it, because he had just moved to Russia from England was was just learning Russian, and words like "bear" and "loose" didn't make a lot of sense to him. However, he did see a chance to make some money, because these people looked like they were in a hurry and could really use a ride in a taxi. He pulled up to the curb, rolled down the automatic passenger window, and said, "Hey, you want a ride?" Now, the people running out of the zoo didn't really know English, but what he meant was obvious, so a couple of the people made for the cab, including a particularly delicious-looking (to a bear) fat guy. Just as they started opening the back door of the cab, a bear came lolloping out of the zoo, it's eyes on the delicious-looking fat guy, and increased its speed. Now, as I can testify from personal experience, fat guys are not only usually slow, they are also typically clumsy. So, as he was getting into the taxi, his pant leg caught on the door, and he said, "Подождите, я застрял!" The taxi driver didn't understand what he meant, but, looking back and seeing his predicament, he figured the fat guy was saying something to the effect of, "Wait, I'm stuck!" In the mean time, the bear had gotten closer, and just as the fat guy had freed himself, clambered into the back seat, and gotten his hand on the door handle, the bear was upon him. It jumped bodily into the back seat, hitting the other side, and rocking the car, causing the door to shut. The taxi driver, when he saw the bear jumping in, had slammed on the gas, but had hit it too late, and so the bear was in the back of his car to stay. The bear proceeded to gobble up the poor delicious-looking fat guy, and the driver, not knowing what else to do, continued to drive, afraid to stop and draw attention to himself by getting out of the cab. To his surprise, when the bear finished eating the delicious-looking guy, he proceeded to stick its head out of the back window (which had been rolled down) like a dog. That's how this picture came to be. What the viewer of the picture doesn't see, however, is how the taxi driver saved himself. Seeing the way this bear was acting, he saw an opportunity. Remember that he's driving on the wrong side of the road (we Americans drive on the correct side, and everyone else is wrong, obviously). He saw an oncoming bus, and, steeling himself, got as close as was possible. It took of his side-view mirror, but it also took off the bear's (whose eyes were watering in the wind so he couldn't see) head and shoulders. It's like someone had taken his dandruff shampoo and filled the bottle with highly corrosive acid instead. Then the cab driver stopped, removed the bear's butt from his taxi, and then went home and washed it off. He got his mirror replaced the next day.

In short, make sure to be cool and calm in all situations. You'll come off better.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sexism--I'm Treading Carefully

So, I don't know if I'm breaking copyright laws or not by posting this on my blog. I hope not. It's credited. Anyway, when I read it, I laughed, and it really rang true to me. Now, before I get started, can I just make a blanket statement that I love women, and if I say anything stupid about women, please don't hate me. Thank you. However, I'm going to be treading carefully, because I don't want my throat slit.

Anyway, allow me to point out that I am aware of the very unjust treatment (to put it lightly) that women have endured all throughout history. I am, after all a history major of sorts, and it seems that in every class it follows this pattern: "This is the history, okay, now this is what it did to blacks, this is what it did to Indians, and this is what it did to women." I am aware that women have never been treated equally in the past, and that they are still, in many cases today, not treated fairly. However, I submit that people have become to hypersensitive to this, and that men are bearing the brunt of it, more specifically good-natured men who enjoy hanging around with women and who are actually quite kind to women, and who sometimes don't put tons of thought into every word they say, and end up saying something that could, if you are hyper-sensitive, be taken as a sexist comment. Then, said man ends up being verbally attacked as a sexist pig, and said woman never wants to talk to him again. Granted, that's probably close to being the worst-case scenario, but things similar to this, in varying degrees of severity, happen frequently to me, especially when I crack some of my favorite sexist jokes. I really don't see the problem behind this, especially when, by the definition of a feminist (one who believes in women's rights, and doesn't necessarily burn their bra) I am a feminist. I just think that those jokes are funny sometimes. Seriously. I mean, why wouldn't they give Helen Keller a drivers license? Because she was a woman! That's just hilarious.

At any rate, I may not have proved my commitment to women's equal rights here in this blog post, that wasn't my intent. My intent, if truth be told, was to think of something somewhat clever, and in that, I'm not sure I have succeeded. However, if you women who worry about my chauvinist tendencies wish to post inflammatory comments, go right ahead. Last time I blogged about something that I thought wasn't a big deal but was possibly controversial, I got reamed. So, go right ahead. Cliff out.

Friday, November 6, 2009

True Love

All I can say about this image is that it is most definitely true love.

Nothing denotes love like references to the timeless Star Wars series, which always warms the heart, be it of man or woman, nerd or non-nerd.

While I'll admit that some of the imagery is kind of strong, it is understandable, and still awesome. I think that if I were the girl who received this note, I would have to accept this poor kid's love, and bestow mine upon him, though I would really have to think about it for a while. However, by the way this is written, you can tell how heartfelt it is. Plus, if I were to go into this relationship (as a woman) I would be the less attached party in the relationship and thus I would have the power.

That being said, this note is true love. The really unfortunate thing is that it isn't pictured in its entirety. That's all I have to say.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Deadly Mustache

Something I've noticed in my time here at BYU, and in general, not just here, is that there is a whole lot of prejudice out there against mustaches. I have personally experienced it. There have been some times when I have decided to grow a mustache, just for the fun of it, and have been going up to work or to class or whatever. When I do that, I find myself getting dirty looks, especially from girls. I start to wonder what could be inspiring this, but then I look down a little bit and remember that my hair in on my upper lip, and everything becomes clear. What is the deal with that? Mustaches can look absolutely awesome (see above). I don't see what the big deal is.

I think that part of the problem is that most girls don't realize just how obnoxious it is to shave one's face. I can speak from experience, having experimented with shaving legs before (that doesn't impune my manliness, I shaved a spiral onto one and checks onto the other), that shaving your face is much more of a pain, in more ways than one. And, if you cut yourself on your leg, at least you can cover it up. If I were to cover up my face, I would have to wear a ski mask, and then I would look even more like a creeper, not that I think I really look like a creeper when I have a mustache.

So, I would like to examine this problem. I think that the main problem is that mustaches are typically associated with people like this character here:
Even I'll admit that that guy is creepy, but I don't think he would be less creepy without the mustache. Observe:
You see? Still a creeper. Therefore, I conclude that the mustache only has minimal effect on the creepiness of a person. I don't think I look creepy with a mustache, I think I look awesome. However, I am unable to exercise said awesomeness for the same reason why I am unable to grow out a mullet: because so many women are prejudiced against them, and I want to be married someday.

With that, I make my end. I don't know if I've really argued my point well, but oh well.