Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Let's Boogey!

Yet again, I give my thanks to Clay for providing me with the picture that inspired this post. I don't know where I'll find my inspiration when he's no longer looking at random websites. So, into the post:

Typically, when we think of the Boogeyman, something like this comes to mind:
Yeah, really creepy. In fact, I almost regret that this is on my blog. However, it makes the contrast of this post more fun. the Boogeyman has been haunting the nightmares of children and jumpy adults for years. Wikipedia theorizes that the idea of the boogeyman has been around since 17th Century England. That's a long time for people who are afraid of the dark to be afraid of something that doesn't exist. This conception of a "Boogeyman" has been around for far too long, and it is false. It could even be being used by the mass media to keep us subjugated. You know, I wouldn't be overly surprised. Therefore, in order to keep our minds clear and out from under the iron heel of the mass media, I propose that the conception of the Boogeyman be changed. Behold:
There, I submit, is a much better version of the Boogie Man. Granted, this couldn't have existed in 17th Century England, but now that it can, I say we take advantage of it. And, while some would find this quite frightening, I think it's awesome. I don't know how it could get much cooler than a guy in awesome clothes discoing in your closet. I only wish my closet were big enough for disco! The contrast between this picture and the first is monumental, and I have to say that the second one is so much cooler. If not cooler, it is at least groovier, you can't argue with that. That being said, I make an end.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Back on the Weapons Kick

So, first of all, I have to thank Clay for his use of the Firefox addon Stumbleupon for finding a lot of these amazing pictures for me. However, I am the one who does the very clever commentary. Therefore, as the latest thing that Clay has shared with me and that I, in turn, have decided to share with the world (or rather, the very few people who read my blog) is this little beauty to the left, or above, depending on how the formatting works out. Aren't the Internets an amazing thing? There is nowhere else where a person could find a picture of two besuited guys having it out with alligators as weapons.

So, this picture begs a few questions: First off, what caused the spat that these two are in? Is it a corporate power struggle? Are they both secret agents for opposing governments? As we know, all secret agents dress in suits and ties. James Bond made sure that we know that. Second, where did they get their hands on those alligators? Last time I checked, unless you're in Florida on a golf course, alligators are pretty hard to come by. However, the intensity of this battle leads one to believe that these two corporate executives/secret agents had to cast around for whatever weapons they could find at a moment's notice, and there were only alligators available, so they grabbed them and made do, using all of their stength to swing and block.

So, what are the advantages of using an alligator as a weapon? The list seems pretty short to me. However, one item for the list is that, not only do you get the blunt object damage, but alligators are also spikey. That, and they have teeth and claws, which I sure they would be all too happy to use in defense of their weilder.

I'm afraid that the disadvantages of using an alligator as a weapon far outweigh the advantages. First of all, alligators are heavy. Wikipedia reports that average weight for alligators is 800 pounds. Now, I'm no wus by any means, but I'll tell you what, I would have one heck of a time swinging around an 800 pound snarling, writhing animal. The power-hungry executives/agents of opposing world powers in the picture don't look nearly as big as me, and they appear to be weilding those alligators quite effortlessly, aside from putting all of their stength into their swings. I'm going to go ahead and not point out the fact that no self-respecting alligator would let itself be swung around by anyone, let alone a corporate power struggler or a James Bond wannabe.

Thus, we see that, though this picture does present an excellent idea, it is not very realistic. Therefore, if you want to use an unconventional weapon, I suggest you try the rocket-propelled chainsaw or the chainsaw nunchucks. Though these two weapons are much less alive than alligators, they will serve you better. That, and they are a lot lighter. Therefore, if you someday find yourself as a power-hungry corporate executive on the golf course in Florida with your superior and you want to bump him off, or a secret agent who has managed to coax his opponent from another country out into the open on a golf course in Florida, use a golf club to do the job. If he goes for the alligator and you go for the golf club, you will probably win.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Sound of a Sunset

So, it's possible that this post may call my manliness into question, and that I'm exposing a bit too much of my sensitive side, but what the heck. I've just blogged about Chuck Norris, Andrew Jones, how I hate the word LOL, and Danger, besides making fun of the French. I think that I might be allowed to pursue a slightly less intense topic.

So, I'll jump right into it. I think that sunsets are awesome. I have a few reasons for thinking this, and right now they're still formulating. However, one of them has been formulating in my head for a few days, so I'm read y to write about it. It's amazing just to look to the west and see a good sunset brewing and to know that before too long, you'll see all sorts of colors screaming across the sky. Yes, I did say screaming. You can almost hear those guys: "HOLY CRAP WE'RE COLORS! WE'RE MOVING REALLY FAST!" There are few things in nature as colorful or as magnificent (now there's a word I haven't used in a while) as a good solid sunset with a few clouds hanging around for the colors to scream off of. ("HOLY CRAP I JUST HIT A CLOUD! I'M A COLOR!")

Another reason why I like sunsets is that most of the time a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do something extraordinarily stupid. I can pride myself in the fact that I don't do a whole lot of exceptionally stupid things. Granted, I may do one or two stupid things every day, like, say, waking up early, or deciding to go to work instead of playing video games, things like that, but I don't typically do a whole lot of really, really stupid things. If I were to think of an example of something extraordinarily stupid, it would be calling a woman fat, or driving like an idiot and getting into a wreck, or any number of other things. I don't usually do things like that. But, I digress. Suffice it to say that on most days, a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do anything really dumb. As I look toward the west, I can almost hear those colors screaming about it. ("HOLY CRAP! CLIFF DIDN'T DO ANYTHING OVERLY STUPID TODAY! WE'RE COLORS!")

At any rate, that's all I've got on this subject. As the reader can see, I'm not that sensitive, and I don't think that have really invited anyone to impugn my manliness. With that, I end this post. Or rather, let's let some friends who will hopefully be making their appearance in the western sky tonight end it for us: "HOLY CRAP! THIS IS THE END OF THE BLOG POST! DID WE MENTION THAT WE'RE COLORS?!"