Friday, March 27, 2009

The Unexplainable Explained!

The picture claims to be unexplainable. I beg to differ. In this post, I, Cliff Chandler, will use my amazing powers of deduction to solve the mystery of the dipstick with the sewing machine.

Explanation #1:
This dude was on his way to the prom, thus the tuxedo. As he was walking out the door to his UPS truck (He works for UPS and he's too poor to get any other mode of transportation.) he realizes that there's a rip in his jacket. He has to go and pick up the photographer and his date, in that order, and he's already running a little late, so he quickly runs back into the house and grabs a sewing machine, figuring he'll just find a quiet corner at the dance and fix his jacket in a flash. So, he heads out, puts the sewing machine in his UPS truck and drives over to the photographer's house, hitting a little bit of traffic on the way, making him even later than he already was. Thus, with the photographer in the passenger seat, he started screaming over to his date's place to pick her up. On the way there, he saw the river trail, which looked wide enough for his truck. The photographer said to go for it. They were late, after all, so he jumped the curb and drove up onto the river trail. He was screaming down it, going 50 or 60 miles per hour, and it was looking like they were going to make up quite a bit of time, when a cop jumped out in front of them, telling them to stop, since it's illegal to drive UPS trucks on river trails. The guy stopped, but he didn't want to have to have and episode with the cops, since he was already late, and his date was really attractive. Thus, he jammed the truck into reverse and started shooting back down the trail backwards. However, what I forgot to mention earlier was that he had only started working for UPS a couple weeks ago, so was still not entirely adept at driving UPS trucks, especially in reverse. So, he lost control of the truck and it went backwards into the river. He and the photographer jumped clear at the last minute, remarkably landing on their feet, clean and unscathed. The doofus even managed to grab his sewing machine! Those things are expensive, he wasn't going to leave it in the truck. Well, the cops took him into custody and his boss showed up. Eventually, the cops were chatting with his boss about how stupid this kid was, and the kid, figuring that his date was done, and that the girl he was going out with was probably either crying in her room or shredding pictures of him, decided to make the best of a bad situation and use the photographer he had paid for. Thus, they took a picture. This guy was pretty proud of his sewing machine, so he held it up in the picture. Yup, with a hair-brained scheme like this, that sewing machine is going to be about the only date you ever have, dude.

Explanation #2:
Same as #1, except that he bought the sewing machine as a gift for his date, because vacuums are outdated and stoves are too heavy and expensive.

Explanation #3:
A UPS driver was driving along, making his deliveries, minding his own business, when he saw a squirrel run onto the river trail. Now, more than anything, this UPS driver hated squirrels, because a rabid squirrel had killed his father. He jumped the curb and started chasing the squirrel with his UPS truck. Three cops were nearby, and they saw this man driving recklessly in a park and rushed to apprehend him. As they did, the driver hit the squirrel, and taking great joy in his victory, put his truck into reverse so he could get out of there before the cops could catch him. However, he was a little too happy over his victory, and wasn't paying attention, so he backed his truck down an embankment and into the river. The police pulled him out of the truck as he chuckled evilly to himself. Then, a dipstick in a tuxedo showed up. "My name is Bond, James Bond," he said, brandishing his sewing machine. "It is my duty to save all UPS drivers who fall into rivers. I have a lot of sympathy for them. My brother once did it on his way to a date." The cops told him to shut up and go away. An attractive female jogger on the trail saw the scene, and thinking it was too amazing to let go unrecorded, asked the dipstick to pose, and took a picture of the whole thing with her camera phone.

Explanation #4:
Some person with way too much time on their hands started messing around with photoshop.

Explanation #5:
The dipstick felt like being classy one day. Perhaps he was messing with one of his coworkers. After work, his mother asked him to go to the sewing machine repair shop and pick up her repaired sewing machine. He went, but was too lazy to change out of his tuxedo. On his way home, he decided to walk along the river trail, since it was shorter, and he loved to walk along the river and see the animals. Sewing machine in hand, he came upon the scene of a UPS truck backed into the river. The driver was standing there with three cops, saying, "It came out of nowhere, I swear! I normally really like squirrels, but I just had to kill this one!" "Dang," thought the kid with the sewing machine. "If only my cousin, Bond, James Bond were here, he would get that UPS driver out of this jam. He hates coppers and his brother is a UPS driver. Oh well. I guess I'll just take a picture to show him the good he could have done if he had been here."

Explanation #6:
The kid had a plan in which he dressed up to rob a casino. That didn't turn out too well, and he had to run. His only available vehicle was a UPS truck. On the way out of the casino he picked up a sewing machine that just happened to be sitting there. He had always loved sewing machines, and thought it was a shame to leave it lying around. So, he took off in the UPS truck, with the cops in hot pursuit. He tried to lose them on the river trail, but quickly saw that his way was blocked by a cement barrier. When he tried to back up, he fell in the river. The cops caught him, and they took mug shots with the sewing machine as evidence. Meanwhile the cops chatted with the real driver of the UPS truck, who was pretty ticked. "If only Bond, James Bond had been here!" he said. "He'd show this dipstick that you don't mess with UPS drivers! He'd kill that kid with his own sewing machine!"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Another Amazing Weapon

I promised to blog about another amazing weapon that included chainsaws, and here you have it. On the left is an image of a rocket propelled chainsaw. Click to enlarge.Why is this picture amazing? Why are rocket propelled chainsaws flippin' awesome? I'll explain.

First of all, I would submit that most anything rocket propelled is absolutely awesome. Think about it. There are: rocket propelled grenades, rocket propelled race cars, rocket propelled motor cycles, rocket propelled rockets, etc. Most anything that is propelled by a rocket engine is going to be awesome. There's just something cool about having fire coming out of the back of something at a terrific speed to get it to fly forward (or up, as the case may be).

Second, it includes a chainsaw. I've already discussed just why chainsaws are so amazing, but I would like to point out that a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes cool noises, coupled with the "whoosh!" of a rocket engine would pretty much be one of the most frightening things you could ever hear coming at you. And, while I'm sure that something that explodes would be much more effective, this is definitely a cool weapon, and I'm sure it would, if nothing else, take out one person, and then intimidate the crap out of the rest of your enemies. If I were to see a chainsaw come flying through the air and impale one of my comrades, still spinning, I think that even I would be intimidated, and that's saying something, because I'm Cliff Chandler.

Thus, we have yet another amazing weapon. The rocket propelled chainsaw. More posts are in the works.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Poetry? From Cliff?

So, I don't usually hold with poetry, but this one is too amazing not to share with the limited audience that reads my blog. A big thanks to Mr. F. Weston Beck for showing it to me back in his bitter days.

The Time I've Lost
--Thomas Moore

The time I've lost in wooing,
In watcing and pursuing
The light that lies
In woman's eyes,
Has been my heart's undoing.
Tho' Wisdom oft has sought me,
I scorn'd the lore she brought me,
My only books
Were women's looks,
And folly's all they taught me.

Her smile when Beauty granted,
I hung with gaze enchanted,
Like him the Sprite
Whom maids by night
Oft met in glen that's haunted.
Like him, too, Beauty won me;
But when the spell was on me,
If once their ray
Was turn'd away,
O! winds could not outrun me.

And are these follies going?
And is my proud heart growing
Too cold or wise
For brilliant eyes
Again to set it glowing?
No--vain, alas! th'endeavor
From bonds so sweet to sever:
Poor Wisdom's chance
Against a glance
Is now as weak as ever.

Like I said, amazing. Before I proceed, I would like to point out that I'm not bitter, at least not much. That being said, I really find it funny when people look at chasing women as pure folly, but pure folly that is impossible to avoid. It's like women are drugs. One's "own personal brand of heroin," if you will, and though the writer knows it's dumb to follow women, he can't stop. Do I feel like this sometimes? Probably. However, unlike Mr. Thomas Moore, I have the ability to stop at any time, (like the mechanic addicted to brake fluid) I just choose not to.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Coolest Weapon EVER!

On your left is pictured Batman, one of my very favorite super heroes (next to Spiderman) with a weapon that only he could use: Chainsaw Nunchucks. I don't know if I've ever seen a weapon quite as awesome as this one. It is awesome for a few reasons.

First of all it includes chainsaws. Chainsaws are one of the coolest things ever invented. Who had the brains to think of that? "You see, it's a chain that spins, and it has blades on it!" Absolute genius. Chainsaws are very useful. I've cut my share of logs with them, and have found them to be very effective for that. However, as we've seen from video games and stupid horror movies, chainsaws can double as effective, albeit very messy, weapons in a pinch. The only problem is their limited range.

Second, nunchucks are amazing weapons as well. While not necessarily the safest weapon ever for the user, and not necessarily the most effective weapon against other weapons like swords or staves (see Wikipedia), they are still awesome, because I say they are. I happen to own a pair of jaguar nunchucks, and they are wicked cool. I would also say that I'm pretty skilled with them, even with the limited practice that I've had. One of the advantages of nunchucks is that they have a bit of a longer range than just hitting someone with a stick would have. You are also able to put more power behind them, because of leverage.

Thus, Batman has one of the ultimate weapons. It's two machines that consist of a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes awesome noises that are attached to each other with a chain, giving more power in the swing. Skeptics may say, "You don't need more power! It's a chainsaw! It will cut through things without much force behind it, and putting too much force behind a chainsaw will probably just break it!" To the skeptics I say, "He's Batman! He knows what he's doing! You don't question Batman, he'll kick your butt! Especially if he has chainsaw nunchucks!"

Yes, that's correct. Coolest. Weapon. Ever, except perhaps for another weapon, which I may blog about later.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


The reader is probably not aware that I receive daily emails from a blog known as "The Art of Manliness." Today's email was a real gem and I couldn't let it pass. It was a quote from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt, one of my favorite past presidents.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Those who know me know that I have a pretty big manliness complex. I hate it when people call me a boy (because I'm a man, not a boy) and I really hate being called cute or sensitive, because those are not masculine words. That being the case, this quote rang very true to me.

I really like how he says that it isn't the people who are critical who count, but the ones who are actually out doing things that are the true great men, and I suppose that this could go for women as well. We have to try, we have to be doing something, and even if we fall short, there is NO effort without error and shortcoming, and even if we do fail in our endeavors, we've at least tried, and our place will never be with those who were to afraid to even do that.

Essentially, this tells me yet again that Theodore Roosevelt was a genius, and whatever bad things we may learn about him in history classes, which seem to try to discredit all amazing historical figures, this man was a man with a head on his shoulders, who, if nothing else, knew what it means to be a true man.