Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dang Those French!

It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. That being the case, I have decided to take the easy way out, and make fun of people who are easy to make fun of. Thus, the lot falls upon the French. On the left is one of my favorite pictures ever. I'm going to go ahead and explain why it's funny.

First of all, most guys who have been through scouts, and anyone who has watched MacGyver knows that Swiss Army Knives are awesome. Those Swiss knew what they were doing. In fact, if what MacGyver does is at all accurate, a Swiss Army Knife can open pretty much any lock. I kind of want to buy one just to try it. Those blades are also a lot sturdier than they look. I can't say all the things that I've see MacGyver pry open with that thing. The French Army knife, on the other hand, would be useless to MacGyver. It does, however cover pretty much all of the functions the French Army needs.

First of all, the corkscrew. The French Army obviously needs to use corkscrews a lot. They must be drinking a lot to think up the genius ideas that they've had in the past. For example, the setting: World War I. The French Army obviously wants to look good, so, while they're drinking their wine (which they've opened with a corkscrew) they decide that their troops need to wear red pants. "Nothingsh fanshier than red pantsh!" they say, drunkenly, in French. So, the French Army goes off to battle, corkscrews in pockets, wearing red pants. I'd daresay that a lot of those corkscrews got shot.

Another situation where those corkscrews came in handy: The setting, between World War I and II. The French, frightened of the again growing German threat, break out their corkscrews again and start using all of their brain power. "I've got an idea," said one of them, in French. "Let's build a wall! Those dang Germans will never get past our wall! It worked for China, right?" So, the Maginot Line was created. What the French didn't know, probably because they were using their corkscrews too much, was that the Great Wall didn't really work for China, and that their precious Maginot Line was just going to be circumvented by the Germans.

This is where the white flag came in handy. Most countries, it seems, when they are invaded and capitol is taken, don't usually give up. The typical response is hiding in the hills and employing Guerilla Warfare. Maybe there were some people in France who did that. I really couldn't say. I'm not too well acquainted with the history there. However, I know that the main body of the French government did nothing of the sort. When they saw the German tanks bearing down on Paris, their first response wasn't to run and regroup, it was to pull those French Army Knives out of their pockets and wave that white flag with all the strength they could muster. "Holy crap! Tanks! We don't stand a chance!" they said, timidly, in French.

Thus, we have the French Army Knife. With its roots in World Wars I and II, it's a perfect accessory for any Frenchman. Price on request.