Sunday, June 21, 2009

Back on the Weapons Kick

So, first of all, I have to thank Clay for his use of the Firefox addon Stumbleupon for finding a lot of these amazing pictures for me. However, I am the one who does the very clever commentary. Therefore, as the latest thing that Clay has shared with me and that I, in turn, have decided to share with the world (or rather, the very few people who read my blog) is this little beauty to the left, or above, depending on how the formatting works out. Aren't the Internets an amazing thing? There is nowhere else where a person could find a picture of two besuited guys having it out with alligators as weapons.

So, this picture begs a few questions: First off, what caused the spat that these two are in? Is it a corporate power struggle? Are they both secret agents for opposing governments? As we know, all secret agents dress in suits and ties. James Bond made sure that we know that. Second, where did they get their hands on those alligators? Last time I checked, unless you're in Florida on a golf course, alligators are pretty hard to come by. However, the intensity of this battle leads one to believe that these two corporate executives/secret agents had to cast around for whatever weapons they could find at a moment's notice, and there were only alligators available, so they grabbed them and made do, using all of their stength to swing and block.

So, what are the advantages of using an alligator as a weapon? The list seems pretty short to me. However, one item for the list is that, not only do you get the blunt object damage, but alligators are also spikey. That, and they have teeth and claws, which I sure they would be all too happy to use in defense of their weilder.

I'm afraid that the disadvantages of using an alligator as a weapon far outweigh the advantages. First of all, alligators are heavy. Wikipedia reports that average weight for alligators is 800 pounds. Now, I'm no wus by any means, but I'll tell you what, I would have one heck of a time swinging around an 800 pound snarling, writhing animal. The power-hungry executives/agents of opposing world powers in the picture don't look nearly as big as me, and they appear to be weilding those alligators quite effortlessly, aside from putting all of their stength into their swings. I'm going to go ahead and not point out the fact that no self-respecting alligator would let itself be swung around by anyone, let alone a corporate power struggler or a James Bond wannabe.

Thus, we see that, though this picture does present an excellent idea, it is not very realistic. Therefore, if you want to use an unconventional weapon, I suggest you try the rocket-propelled chainsaw or the chainsaw nunchucks. Though these two weapons are much less alive than alligators, they will serve you better. That, and they are a lot lighter. Therefore, if you someday find yourself as a power-hungry corporate executive on the golf course in Florida with your superior and you want to bump him off, or a secret agent who has managed to coax his opponent from another country out into the open on a golf course in Florida, use a golf club to do the job. If he goes for the alligator and you go for the golf club, you will probably win.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant. These are my favorite kinds of posts. Thanks for the laugh. (p.s. my word verification was "soncless." i wonder what this means. Is this a description of my state of being? Should I be worried that I don't have a sonc? How would I go about getting one?)