Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Holy Crap!

Going along with my usual fixation with everything dangerous, I give you the glorious tidbit at the left. A bear in a taxi? What the crap? According to the web site I found this picture on, it is in Russia. That explains it a little bit. Those Russians come up with some crap that's almost as crazy as some Japanese crap. (No offense to anyone who is Russian or Japanese) Anyway, I, Cliff Chandler, Captain Danger, the one, the only, the amazing, will endeavor, once again, to explain the picture in question. It may be long, it may be hard, but when has that ever stopped me? And DON'T say, "All the time." I'll kill you. Anyway, here goes!

So, this taxi is driving by the zoo and he sees a whole bunch of people running out and screaming in Russian. "БЛИН!!!!" they yelled. "Существует медведь сыпучих!!!!" For any Russians reading this, I'm sure that's wrong, I just picked it up from Google Translate. Anyway, the cab driver didn't think much of it, because he had just moved to Russia from England was was just learning Russian, and words like "bear" and "loose" didn't make a lot of sense to him. However, he did see a chance to make some money, because these people looked like they were in a hurry and could really use a ride in a taxi. He pulled up to the curb, rolled down the automatic passenger window, and said, "Hey, you want a ride?" Now, the people running out of the zoo didn't really know English, but what he meant was obvious, so a couple of the people made for the cab, including a particularly delicious-looking (to a bear) fat guy. Just as they started opening the back door of the cab, a bear came lolloping out of the zoo, it's eyes on the delicious-looking fat guy, and increased its speed. Now, as I can testify from personal experience, fat guys are not only usually slow, they are also typically clumsy. So, as he was getting into the taxi, his pant leg caught on the door, and he said, "Подождите, я застрял!" The taxi driver didn't understand what he meant, but, looking back and seeing his predicament, he figured the fat guy was saying something to the effect of, "Wait, I'm stuck!" In the mean time, the bear had gotten closer, and just as the fat guy had freed himself, clambered into the back seat, and gotten his hand on the door handle, the bear was upon him. It jumped bodily into the back seat, hitting the other side, and rocking the car, causing the door to shut. The taxi driver, when he saw the bear jumping in, had slammed on the gas, but had hit it too late, and so the bear was in the back of his car to stay. The bear proceeded to gobble up the poor delicious-looking fat guy, and the driver, not knowing what else to do, continued to drive, afraid to stop and draw attention to himself by getting out of the cab. To his surprise, when the bear finished eating the delicious-looking guy, he proceeded to stick its head out of the back window (which had been rolled down) like a dog. That's how this picture came to be. What the viewer of the picture doesn't see, however, is how the taxi driver saved himself. Seeing the way this bear was acting, he saw an opportunity. Remember that he's driving on the wrong side of the road (we Americans drive on the correct side, and everyone else is wrong, obviously). He saw an oncoming bus, and, steeling himself, got as close as was possible. It took of his side-view mirror, but it also took off the bear's (whose eyes were watering in the wind so he couldn't see) head and shoulders. It's like someone had taken his dandruff shampoo and filled the bottle with highly corrosive acid instead. Then the cab driver stopped, removed the bear's butt from his taxi, and then went home and washed it off. He got his mirror replaced the next day.

In short, make sure to be cool and calm in all situations. You'll come off better.

1 comment:

  1. Cliff Chandler, I think you are my favorite person. Ever.