Friday, March 5, 2010

What the Possum?

This one's for all of you people out there who think that all animals are cute, cuddly, and sweet. I submit to you the picture to the right. This animal is a possum, and it is neither cute, cuddly, or sweet, despite what that ridiculously cute little girl might think. That possum is about to try and bite her hand off! How is that cute? It isn't. Is that cuddly? I don't think so. Is it sweet to bite off a cute little girl's hand? I submit that it is not. In fact, I strongly submit that it is not. I've noticed that this misplaced liking for animals that many people have does not stop at possums, which are dirty, disgusting, and vicious creatures. No, people have endearing feelings for all kinds of animals, and I would like to put some of those feelings of endearment to rest so that the poor misguided souls who are feeling attached to these animals don't get their hands bitten off out of ignorance.

1. Cats
Now, you may be saying, "But Cliff, what's so wrong with cats? They're nice, right?" Well, let me set the record straight. Cats are not nice, but are, in fact, small, raging balls of pure and burning EVIL! I know lots of people think of cats like this:
That is not what cats are really like. No, cats are really more like this:
Does that guy look cute, cuddly or sweet? I didn't think so. He looks evil, he looks wet, and he looks like he wants to tear off your face and wear it to town, something that I do not desire to have done to me in the least. That being the case, I steer clear of cats as much as possible.

2. Cows
I don't know what misguided notion gave people the idea that cows are cute, cuddly, or sweet, but I assure all of you, having grown up around cows, that they are not, and that they deserve every bit of slaughtering for us to eat that they get. They deserve it. Just their mere stupidity assures that they were created for us to eat. Now, when many people think of cows, they think of this:
Now, while she is cute, at the moment, even I will admit that she's pretty cute. However, keep in mind that most cows, in fact, all cows, look like this when they grow up:
Yeah, scary and not cute, or cuddly, and it would gore you to death before even thinking, in fact, it can't think. That is definitely not cute. That being said, I think I've made my case. If anyone thinks that this guy is cute, I submit that their cute muscles are broken. Like, really broken.

That's all I have to talk about right now. If you have any other questions about animals that you think are cute, cuddly, or sweet, go ahead and put them in the comments. I will be happy to post on them later on. With that, I conclude this post. This is Captain Danger. Out.


  1. As long as you don't post anything about squirrels, I am happy.

  2. OOOH--don't get me started on Racoons! They are not the cute little masked bandits people think--they just have a good PR dept! Truly they are EVIL! (Also, once I almost drove my car onto my porch trying to kill a possum that was in the little bush in front of my house--I just went crazy with "Kill it, Kill it, KILL IT!"