Captain Danger: Awesome or Egotistical?

So, as my history paper-worthy title of this post says, this post is the promised sequel to the previous one, as to whether my self-applied nickname, Captain Danger, is merited. Let us begin. First of all, how does one define danger? Dictionary.com says that danger is defined as " liability or exposure to harm or injury; risk; peril," " an instance or cause of peril; menace," or " Obsolete. power; jurisdiction; domain." While that last definition is obsolete, I definitely like it. Anyway, I am about to attempt, using real-life situations, that my superhero name is merited. While doing so, I may just prove that I'm awesome, and, that being the case, I figure that I can just call myself whatever the heck I want and have it be merited.

So, it stands to reason that Captain Danger would do dangerous things, correct? Well, let's start perusing his life. We'll start a while ago. Here we have Captain Danger, his preferred weapon in hand, one of his first victims in other hand, preparing to deal out some real damage. Okay, granted, it's a coconut, but how many people do you know who keep machetes in their house? I would guess that, for most of my readers, the answer to that is "not many." If there's something that denotes "exposure to harm," I would say that tossing a coconut up in the air and then wildly swinging at it with a machete does.


Next: we have this gem. Here I am, after a day of manhandling heavy fence posts into place and bending barb-studded wire to my will, standing at the edge of a precipitous drop into a place called Adam's Crick, which, I have to tell you, would not be fun to fall in. Trust me. One of the few things that make Captain Danger uneasy is proximity to heights from which he could fall and injure himself, and so, this picture definitely shows "risk."

As further proof, I offer the following:Now, the reader may say, "Now, Cliff, that's not dangerous! You're just riding a horse!" To that reader, I say, "You, sir (or madam) obviously don't know much about horses!" I may look to be very much at my ease, and I am in this picture, because I'm awesome. However, what many readers don't know is that most all horses are seething cauldrons of deceit and destruction, just waiting to destroy you when they feel the slightest hint of fear coming off of you. If you don't believe me, ask me sometime about the time when a horse sat on me and I couldn't lift my left arm for about a week. Not a pleasant experience. That was definitely "peril" if you ask me.


Gunfighting, as I'm sure most people will agree, is very dangerous. The idea of pacing off and then turning and firing definitely implies "liability or exposure to harm." Pieces of lead flying at fantastically fast velocities are very likely to cause harm to bodily tissues. Thankfully, I, Captain Danger, have yet to sustain harm from said pieces of flying lead. However, the chance is always there, as long as the gunfighting habit remains. However, this picture most definitely denotes danger.




On the right, we have another instance of exposure to harm by proximity to a precipitous drop. Granted, this time I'm clipped in to a rope, but you never know when said rope is going to give, and then where are you? You're stuck in a hole on the side of a wall with no way down. Of course, I'm Captain Danger, and as I have a pretty good hope that I will one day gain super powers, I'm not too worried. I'd just have to wait it out. But, for most people, this would be a very dangerous thing to attempt. Keep that in mind next time you trust a rope. "This rope could break at any time, and I have no hope of acquiring super powers in the future. Crap."


And, as the final piece of proof, I offer the most dangerous thing that I participate in: consorting with women. If anything denotes "an instance or cause of peril," it would be hanging around with women. While their company can be enjoyable, they tend to have evil boiling just under the surface that can explode at any time. Just look at that angry face on the specimen at the left!

With that, I conclude. I, personally, feel that the appellation "Captain Danger is entirely merited. I leave it up to the public to decide for themselves. The Cliff Chandler rests.

Captain Danger...Real or Imaginary?

So, it has been pointed out recently by someone that I'm not up to my typical levels of Narcissism. I'm not sure why that is, but I can agree with that. However, I figured that a good way to remedy that would be to write a blog post about myself. Thus, I am proceeding to do just that.

I thought that, in a possible series of blog posts that I will write about myself, this first one should be about one of my screen names and something that I call myself very often, though it is often abbreviated to just "Captain." Yes, I am referring to the name of Captain Danger, which would, if I were a superhero, be my superhero name, though I think everyone would know it was me really fast. I don't think that would be a problem. If I were a superhero, I don't think I would bother with an alter-ego. Heck, I'm practically a superhero already. Anyway, the question is, how did I come up with that name? That is a good question, and I'm not really sure myself. However, to really know, I think we'll have to wind the clock back a couple years.

Picture me, Cliff Chandler, weighing about 10 pounds less (believe it or not) 2 years younger, and wandering around in Monticello. His friends at the time were really talking him up. His current friends do that, too, but the friends of that time for some reason really talked him up. If people say that Cliff is a conceited guy, they must know that it isn't entirely his fault. He has had a lot of people feeding it for a while. Back in the day (2 years ago) when 2-years-younger Cliff would say, "Man, I am so awesome!" about 3 people would usually chime in and say, "Holy crap, Cliff, you're right! How did you get that way?" 2-years-younger Cliff didn't usually have an answer, because he wasn't sure himself, though he had a few ideas. Anyway, around this time, 2-years-younger Cliff started to overuse the word danger a little bit. I currently do that a little bit, but for some reason, 2-years-younger Cliff had something of a fixation with it. When he would walk around in his apartment complex he would say, "Danger!" to announce himself, though it was usually to himself.

Now, something to keep in mind is that, ever since his mission, when 2-years-younger Cliff had gotten used to calling himself by his last name, he had been calling himself various things like Mr. Chandler, or Senor Candelario (Spanish), or Captain Chandler. It came only naturally that the word that 2-years-younger Cliff was fixed upon should become his new appellation. Thus it was that I, approximately two years ago, began calling myself Captain Danger. The name has stuck, at least for me, and has expanded so that even some others have started calling me that, at least sporadically. I'm sure that, someday, when I complete the superhero journey and get powers, I will be able to use that name.

These days, it has become such second nature for me to call myself by this name that when something happens, say, I trip, or slip on a rock that I'm climbing up, I talk to myself and say something to the effect of "Watch yourself, Captain," or "Ostarozhno, Captain." (Russian) People around me probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about, but hey, if I'm ever going to be a superhero, I have to have a little bit of mystery around me, right?

Well, in conclusion, this post has been so fun to write that I think it may be the beginning of a series of posts about me. In the next post, perhaps I'll address whether I am justified in calling myself Captain Danger. I'll already tell you, I think that I am. Thank you for reading.

A Part of My World

I must say, there are some things in life that you certainly can't live without, and you wonder how you survived without them before you realized how cool they were. For me, this thing is the song Takin' Care of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Listen to the awesomeness:



So, that pretty much sums it up. However, I would like to share some reasons as to why that song is so awesome.

First is this: Takin' Care of Business + iPod + Cliff Chandler = SPEED! I can walk so fast with that song playing in my ears, and I can't even begin to say how many times it has gotten me to class or work on time when I otherwise wouldn't have made it. Heck, one time I was running late and I even had time to stop and open the door for a girl who was walking behind me. Yeah, it's that amazing. There are many songs that can make me walk faster, but I don't think that any of them get the job done as well as this one, my favorite, can.

Second is the intro. There are few other songs that can match this song when it comes to an awesome intro. Granted, this is my opinion, but I've found that my opinion is often correct. Yeah, that's right, I said that very narcissistic thing. Or, if you will, Clifficistic, my own personal brand of narcissism (thank you, Pear). At any rate, the intro is awesome. I gets you going before the words even start.

The message is also great. It makes me think of taking control of one's own situation, helping yourself out, and if nothing else, having a good time with your life, which is how I live. So ti's great.

Finally, there are very few songs that can pick me up when I'm feeling down like Takin' Care of Business can. Turn that sucker up really, really loud and rock out to it, air guitars and all, and there's nothing in this world that will still be bothering me after that. If the bother comes back, I can always play it again. It's that good. I could quote Madagascar 2 and say, "It never gets old," but I won't. Oh, crap.

Anyway, if Takin' Care of Business isn't your favorite song after reading this post, there is probably something wrong with you. Listen to it a couple more times and you'll probably get it.

What Would it Really Be Like?

Most people are familiar with Mario. I can't lie, it's a classic and well-made game. It's had several different incarnations over the year, but my favorite is the Super Mario World for Super Nintendo. However, have you ever stopped to give it a little thought? Now, granted, it isn't supposed to be realistic, but still. Bowser has all of those minions, but they have these stupid conditions of how they should work. For example, green koopas will walk right off cliffs. That doesn't make any sense. Also, why does Bowser attach chains to those chompy guys? Why doesn't he just let them roam free? Then they would have a way easier time getting Mario, and he wouldn't even have to worry about Mario getting close to him, unless Mario became a first-person shooter. It really doesn't make a lot of sense. If you want to see a funny video and don't mind a little profanity (most of it is bleeped out) check this video out.

Another way to look at it is that it's kind of weird. I mean, why send one man, a plumber, no less, to go after the captured princess? Why not send the army? Why not send commandos? Why not send a knight in shining armor? A plumber just seems such an irrational choice. I would submit that a Mario more like the one in the following video, which is a really funny take on the whole thing, would be much more effective. Make sure to watch the video, I think it's awesome.



Well, that being said, I think it is time for me to take my leave. Remember, however, next time you turn on your outdated game system or power up the emulator on your computer, Mario doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, jumping on things to kill them? Why would they be less harmful to your feet than to the rest of your body? Please.

Is a Possible Stoning in Order? (of me)

Well, I'm willing to say that the following image/analysis needs very little explanation. I just think it's awesome. Undoubtedly a lot of my readers have already seen it.

Now, I could go into detail as to why girls are evil, but that probably would get me stoned. That, and I would also sound bitter, and I'm not. I would, however, like to say that this is a clever manipulation of a subject that I don't like (math) to prove something that isn't really mathematic. You know, manipulation is probably a word that I should use more often. It sounds so sinister. Sinister is also a good word, which is kind of synonymous with evil. Kind of like girls. Anyway, I'm done.

How Can You Are So Hilarious?

Alright, so this post is likely to brand me as a racist, but I think that it is hilarious when foreigners mess up English. I don't like it because it makes them look dumb or anything, it's just that it often has really funny results. The resulting sentences, commonly called "Engrish," can be seen on signs and labels all over the place. For example, take a look at this little guy:
Now, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Grass does not smile. However, the people who made the sign wanted us to not walk on the grass. They did their best, but it kind of flopped. This is just a gem. I'm afraid I'll have to apologize, because things like the following little bits of Engrish require very little introduction or explanation. Suffice it to say that they are absolutely amazing.And, another little gem. No Chinese meal could end better than the following:
And, of the selection that I found for this post, my personal favorite:
There you have it, genius, inadvertently generated. Have a great day!

Natural Danger, but Not Too Much

I guess I'm back on the kick of writing about natural phenomena. This time it's lightning, quite possibly the coolest natural phenomena on its danger scale. What's that you say? What's this "danger scale?" Allow me to explain. Natural phenomena have a scale of coolness vs. danger. Sometimes, the more dangerous they are the cooler they are. For example, sunsets are absolutely harmless, unless you stare directly at the sun part for two long, and if you do that you're a dipstick anyway. So, as far as the danger scale goes, (it's a 1-10 scale) sunsets would be a 1. Other things low on the danger scale would be things like rain, and other stuff. Heck, let me just write out a natural phenomena (I really like that word) danger scale right here. It won't have everything, and I may disagree with myself later, but it will be rather informative. Keep in mind that I'm kind of making this up as I go along.

Natural Phenomena Danger Scale
1: Rain, sunsets, sunny days
2: small (up to grape seed size) hail
3: snow, medium (up to marble size) hail
4: Dust devils
5: Lightning, small earthquakes
6: Slow flooding
7: Dust/sand storms, strong winds
8: Volcanoes (they usually happen away from people), medium earthquakes
9: Flash floods, alien invasions
10: Large earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis

So, there you have it, the danger scale. I have to point out that, though a lot of these things are scary, I would love to see every one of them. In fact, I have seen all of them up to number 6. Sure, they cause destruction, and they can be dangerous, but I would really like to observe these things from a distance, because the awesome power of God's creations is made manifest in them, and they would be really cool to watch.

However, as I was saying, lightning is the coolest thing on its danger scale. I put it in the middle, because there is an aspect of danger there, as it can cause forest fires and the like. However, one would have to be either really dumb or really unlucky to actually get struck by lightning. Therefore, it's relatively safe to go outside and watch.

So, aside from the danger, what's cool about lightning? Well, it's really awesome how it's generated, for one thing. I mean, who wouldn't be impressed by Zeus throwing lightning bol--wait, what? Static electricity? Oh, well, that's cool, too. In fact, I just looked at Wikipedia, and it turns out that we don't know exactly how lightning works, we just have a lot of hypotheses, and that's something else that makes it cool. It's almost magical!

I would like to put something in here about screaming, but I think that would be beating a dead horse. Besides, lightning doesn't really scream. It shoots! It engsmsplodes! It blasts across the sky and sometimes hits the ground. Lightning bolts can travel up to 60,000 meters per second (really fast)! It is also accompanied by thunder, which is also awesome. A loud, rolling boom, sometimes a crack. Being right in the middle of a thunderstorm is an awe-inspiring thing.

Well, I guess I've made this post a bit longer than I planned to. I hope you all still put in the effort to read it, because I like it. Just remember, pound for pound, lightning is a great way to get your money's worth when you are interested in natural phenomena. Dangerous enough to be edgy, not so dangerous that you're likely to die, and FLIPPIN' AWESOME!