More on Awesomeness

I was shown this picture a while ago, and since then it has brought a smile to my face, if not a complete laugh, every time I've seen it. It is purely genius. However, this picture invites a bit of commentary, and since that's what I do on my blog, I figure I will provide said commentary.

First of all, what makes the cat so awesome? It's hard to say, but any dipstick could see that this cat just exudes awesomeness. It could be its disheveled appearance. It could be that it looks a little wet. it could be that it looks rather annoyed with having its picture taken. I could also be its positioning, with its ringed tail out in front of it. More than likely it's a combination of all of those things. However, I think it's pretty easy to say, without a lot of argument, that this sign is telling the truth and the cat pictured is awesome. I'm not a cat person, but I'm still willing to admit that this cat is awesome.

Second, it's obvious that this is the main joke of the picture, but I'm going to go ahead and explain it anyway. Posters like this are usually put up by people who are concerned about finding their lost pets. However, this poster is not concerned about that at all. It's just trying to get out the fact that this cat is awesome. I salute this effort. Far too little effort is put into things that aren't really for any particular purpose and are just fun. Granted, there are problems in the world that we could be fixing, but we can't do that all the time. Some time needs to be put in to just having a good time and helping other people to do the same. In fact, if more people in the world laughed more, this world would be a better place in general, so I salute the person responsible for this sign even more. Well, that's all I've got. With that, I make my end.

Let's Boogey!

Yet again, I give my thanks to Clay for providing me with the picture that inspired this post. I don't know where I'll find my inspiration when he's no longer looking at random websites. So, into the post:

Typically, when we think of the Boogeyman, something like this comes to mind:
Yeah, really creepy. In fact, I almost regret that this is on my blog. However, it makes the contrast of this post more fun. the Boogeyman has been haunting the nightmares of children and jumpy adults for years. Wikipedia theorizes that the idea of the boogeyman has been around since 17th Century England. That's a long time for people who are afraid of the dark to be afraid of something that doesn't exist. This conception of a "Boogeyman" has been around for far too long, and it is false. It could even be being used by the mass media to keep us subjugated. You know, I wouldn't be overly surprised. Therefore, in order to keep our minds clear and out from under the iron heel of the mass media, I propose that the conception of the Boogeyman be changed. Behold:
There, I submit, is a much better version of the Boogie Man. Granted, this couldn't have existed in 17th Century England, but now that it can, I say we take advantage of it. And, while some would find this quite frightening, I think it's awesome. I don't know how it could get much cooler than a guy in awesome clothes discoing in your closet. I only wish my closet were big enough for disco! The contrast between this picture and the first is monumental, and I have to say that the second one is so much cooler. If not cooler, it is at least groovier, you can't argue with that. That being said, I make an end.

Back on the Weapons Kick

So, first of all, I have to thank Clay for his use of the Firefox addon Stumbleupon for finding a lot of these amazing pictures for me. However, I am the one who does the very clever commentary. Therefore, as the latest thing that Clay has shared with me and that I, in turn, have decided to share with the world (or rather, the very few people who read my blog) is this little beauty to the left, or above, depending on how the formatting works out. Aren't the Internets an amazing thing? There is nowhere else where a person could find a picture of two besuited guys having it out with alligators as weapons.

So, this picture begs a few questions: First off, what caused the spat that these two are in? Is it a corporate power struggle? Are they both secret agents for opposing governments? As we know, all secret agents dress in suits and ties. James Bond made sure that we know that. Second, where did they get their hands on those alligators? Last time I checked, unless you're in Florida on a golf course, alligators are pretty hard to come by. However, the intensity of this battle leads one to believe that these two corporate executives/secret agents had to cast around for whatever weapons they could find at a moment's notice, and there were only alligators available, so they grabbed them and made do, using all of their stength to swing and block.

So, what are the advantages of using an alligator as a weapon? The list seems pretty short to me. However, one item for the list is that, not only do you get the blunt object damage, but alligators are also spikey. That, and they have teeth and claws, which I sure they would be all too happy to use in defense of their weilder.

I'm afraid that the disadvantages of using an alligator as a weapon far outweigh the advantages. First of all, alligators are heavy. Wikipedia reports that average weight for alligators is 800 pounds. Now, I'm no wus by any means, but I'll tell you what, I would have one heck of a time swinging around an 800 pound snarling, writhing animal. The power-hungry executives/agents of opposing world powers in the picture don't look nearly as big as me, and they appear to be weilding those alligators quite effortlessly, aside from putting all of their stength into their swings. I'm going to go ahead and not point out the fact that no self-respecting alligator would let itself be swung around by anyone, let alone a corporate power struggler or a James Bond wannabe.

Thus, we see that, though this picture does present an excellent idea, it is not very realistic. Therefore, if you want to use an unconventional weapon, I suggest you try the rocket-propelled chainsaw or the chainsaw nunchucks. Though these two weapons are much less alive than alligators, they will serve you better. That, and they are a lot lighter. Therefore, if you someday find yourself as a power-hungry corporate executive on the golf course in Florida with your superior and you want to bump him off, or a secret agent who has managed to coax his opponent from another country out into the open on a golf course in Florida, use a golf club to do the job. If he goes for the alligator and you go for the golf club, you will probably win.

The Sound of a Sunset

So, it's possible that this post may call my manliness into question, and that I'm exposing a bit too much of my sensitive side, but what the heck. I've just blogged about Chuck Norris, Andrew Jones, how I hate the word LOL, and Danger, besides making fun of the French. I think that I might be allowed to pursue a slightly less intense topic.

So, I'll jump right into it. I think that sunsets are awesome. I have a few reasons for thinking this, and right now they're still formulating. However, one of them has been formulating in my head for a few days, so I'm read y to write about it. It's amazing just to look to the west and see a good sunset brewing and to know that before too long, you'll see all sorts of colors screaming across the sky. Yes, I did say screaming. You can almost hear those guys: "HOLY CRAP WE'RE COLORS! WE'RE MOVING REALLY FAST!" There are few things in nature as colorful or as magnificent (now there's a word I haven't used in a while) as a good solid sunset with a few clouds hanging around for the colors to scream off of. ("HOLY CRAP I JUST HIT A CLOUD! I'M A COLOR!")

Another reason why I like sunsets is that most of the time a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do something extraordinarily stupid. I can pride myself in the fact that I don't do a whole lot of exceptionally stupid things. Granted, I may do one or two stupid things every day, like, say, waking up early, or deciding to go to work instead of playing video games, things like that, but I don't typically do a whole lot of really, really stupid things. If I were to think of an example of something extraordinarily stupid, it would be calling a woman fat, or driving like an idiot and getting into a wreck, or any number of other things. I don't usually do things like that. But, I digress. Suffice it to say that on most days, a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do anything really dumb. As I look toward the west, I can almost hear those colors screaming about it. ("HOLY CRAP! CLIFF DIDN'T DO ANYTHING OVERLY STUPID TODAY! WE'RE COLORS!")

At any rate, that's all I've got on this subject. As the reader can see, I'm not that sensitive, and I don't think that have really invited anyone to impugn my manliness. With that, I end this post. Or rather, let's let some friends who will hopefully be making their appearance in the western sky tonight end it for us: "HOLY CRAP! THIS IS THE END OF THE BLOG POST! DID WE MENTION THAT WE'RE COLORS?!"

Chuck Norris

In the annals of American, nay, world history, there is one man who stands above and beyond the rest. That man is Chuck Norris. Did you know that there is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer? Chuck Norris is always in control. This is a man who is more than human, a man who can run so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. This is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his start back in 1969, and began doing kung fu movies that would make Jason Statham proud. Early in his career, he got his butt kicked by Bruce Lee, while a kitten looked on. Those Asian movies are always a little weird like that. Wow, that guy is hairy. But then, as Chuck Norris is the symbol of all men, of course he would have to be hairy. As he continued, he was in Delta Force, a movie that I have never seen, but which looks awesome. On my desk at work, I have a copy of a picture from a magazine from 1986, which is a picture of Chuck Norris with a bazooka. The caption says, "Chuck Norris, reasoning with the bad guys." After that, he was in a few other little gems, until he finally became Walker, Texas Ranger. Very little has happened in his career since then, except for the advent of the amazing amount of Chuck Norris jokes. Remember, if you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

So, here's to the man who once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Erhart as she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Here's to the man who can win a game of connect four in only three moves. The man who doesn't sleep, he waits. Here's to Chuck Norris, the man, the legend.

Andrew Jones

Well, Andrew keeps on pestering me to write a blog post about him, and I hate being pestered. However, no matter how many times I threaten to kill him, he won't let up. Therefore, here it is: The Truth About Andrew Jones.

Actually, if I'm totally honest, I'm still not entirely sure what to put here. Of course, I could shower him with praise, because he's a pretty cool guy, but no matter how I thought about the wording of that, it sounded gay, something that I typically try to avoid. Therefore, it's probably a better idea to discuss some of Andrew's eccentricities. Those are usually funnier anyway.

To begin with, Andrew has a real mind for ethics. If something is unethical, you can be sure that Andrew will be pointing it out really fast. Sometimes it's annoying, but having him around serves to keep all of us on the straight and narrow, and it's probably better that way. We're talking a very elevated sense of ethics. For example, he won't even jaywalk. Even if a whole group of people he's with are walking across the street, he will run down to the corner to cross and then catch up. Probably a little extreme, but if that's how you get your kicks, I can't knock on it.

Second, Andrew really has a thing with sports. There are very few things that he likes better than soccer, and if he finds out that a girl likes soccer, she becomes immeasurably more attractive to him. He's told me. However it isn't just soccer, but also football, ultimate, basketball, and a whole bunch of other sports that don't come to mind at the moment. Sure, lots of people like playing sports, but not really on the level that Andrew does. I wouldn't say it's an obsession. Let's put it at the sub-obsession level. That's a good place for it.

Third, Andrew likes to watch cartoons. This is a slightly lesser-known fact about Andrew, but it's true. Now, some of them are awesome, like Batman: The Brave and the Bold ("The Hammer of Justice is unisex.") or Star Wars: The Clone Wars. However, some I can't understand, like Dragonballz. That just doesn't appeal to me, and when he tries to explain it it just sounds utterly ridiculous. I've told him this before, so he shouldn't be offended. At any rate, that's kind of eccentric.

Fourth, Andrew has this thing with poking people. I who don't really like being poked, threaten to cut his finger off every time he tries it on me. However, more tolerant people are always subjected to his poking. I don't understand that. However, if that's how he gets his kicks, and he leaves me alone, I suppose I can't get too annoyed, though I don't understand what the hype is.

Anyway, that's about all I've got about Andrew. Don't get me wrong, he's a solid guy. However, I think that, in asking me to blog about him, he was kind of asking for this. Don't worry though, Andrew, I think you're cool, and when people bash on you behind your back, I defend you. Thus, I end this post.

Genius

If there's one thing about the whole online chatting thing that annoys me, and there are several, but if I had to choose just one, I would choose "lol." It's hard to place exactly why it bothers me so much, but I'm going to try to explain in this blog post. My faithful readers should appreciate me racking my brains to understand myself for your benefit. I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.

Number 1: First of all, it took me a long time to figure out what "lol" even meant. I first started online chatting with my friends (not random strangers, mind you) when I was a freshman living in Deseret Towers, and when they would type "lol" I never had a clue what they meant. "Lol?" I would type, and then they would have to explain, and I would say, "So, you laughed out loud at what I just said? I didn't think it was that funny." Then I was glad that it was a text conversation, because otherwise things wouldn't have gotten all sorts of awkward.

Number 2: When someone types "lol," I know that they are very rarely actually laughing out loud. There's only one person who I know for sure is doing it, and she is awesome. Incidentally, she is also allowed to type "lol" when she chats with me, being the only one allowed. When chatting with other people, I sometimes let it slide, but my typical response is, "Are you really?" to which they usually reply, "No, I wasn't." That is, once I explain, because they typically don't understand. People just throw that little thing out there really fast without even thinking about what it means. That also bothers me. Am I being a whiner? Maybe. On to the next reason!

Number 3: How lazy are you? I mean, seriously. If someone you're chatting with types something funny, like, say, "Hey, did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands?" why can't you just type "that's funny!" or "haha!" It really doesn't take that much effort. If you're into chatting on the Internets, I'm hoping that you have the ability to type marginally fast, and if you can't type at least marginally fast, I pity you, poor, unfortunate soul. "Lol" is entirely unnecessary and rather obnoxious, if you ask me. Yes, I'm whining again. On to reason number 4!

Number 4: Okay, so I don't actually have a reason number four, I just wanted a good transition from the last one. In conclusion, "lol" is unnecessary, lazy, and misleading, as it is often a lie. That, and it makes six year olds drop their ice cream cones and cry for hours. Do you want a whole bunch of crying six year olds on your conscience? I know I don't. I rest my case.