Follow-Up

So, my last post may have sounded a little bitter. Am I bitter? Definitely not. Bitterness is not in my repertoire of feelings. Disillusioned? I'm not entirely sure what that means in this context. Was I serious? No. In fact, in retrospect, I am all sorts of willing to concede that true love probably does exist. Does it exist for me? That's debatable. However, as I say that, keep in mind that I am most definitely not bitter. Anyway, while it is very likely that true love exists, I think that the true thing about that cartoon that I posted is that there are better things to be wished for than true love.

So, think about it. Sure, true love can be hard to come by, but it is possible to find it on your own. However, the things that the other guys wished for were nigh impossible to come by yourself. A star fighter? Superpowers? The barrel of money not so much, but work with me here. Given a choice to have one wish come true, and assuming that it can't be world peace or something similar, I would not wish for true love. I would hold out for that to happen to me naturally. No, I'm pretty sure I would wish to be able to teleport.

Now we get into the meat of this post. Teleportation is very possibly one of the coolest things ever imagined. Not teleporting with a machine, which, while it is cool, is inconvenient. The ability to simply be in one place and then suddenly disappear and appear somewhere else. I'm also talking about high-speed teleporting, such as the kind that Nightcrawler of the X-Men can do. I don't know if my readers have seen the beginning of X-Men II, but if they haven't it is pretty much the best part of the movie, and it shows just what a guy who can teleport is capable of, even if they are kind of scary looking, like Nightcrawler is. Yeah, I just watched it. Nightcrawler is most definitely the coolest of all the X-Men. And, what it doesn't show in that movie, but is apparent from my playing of Marvel video games, is that Nightcrawler is also very proficient with swords, something that makes him even more awesome. Anyway, not only can those powers be used to almost kill the president, should it be necessary (not saying anything about the current political situation), but they can also be used for good! Not only could they be used for good, they could also be used for AWESOME! I imagine all of the cool things that I could do if I could teleport like that, and it blows my mind. In fact, my mind is so blown that I can't give you any specific examples.

Also, if I were able to teleport, I'm pretty sure that it would make it easier to find true love on

my own. Take the movie Jumper. Granted, it's not the best movie ever made, but it was a much better movie for Hayden Christensen than Star Wars was. Anyway, part of that movie is him finding what is supposedly (granted, that's debatable) his true love. Maybe she isn't, maybe it's just lust, as it is in lots of movies. However, I think that his ability to teleport definitely allowed that to happen. His abilities certainly allowed him to save her life, along with his own and the lives of other jumpers around the world, by taking Samuel L. Jackson out of the picture. Anyway, I submit that if I had the ability to teleport, it would be so much easier to find my true love. In fact, I would probably be married right now and I wouldn't even be writing about this. However, if that were the case, I suppose you all wouldn't be able to experience the awesomeness that is my writing in this case. That being said, I wouldn't wish for true love at that wishing well. I would, as I have described, wish for my favorite superpower. The ability to teleport. I make an end.

What's the Big Deal?

The comic strip at left illustrates a good point. Is true love really the greatest thing? I mean, I think that those guys who wished for the other things may have been better off. In fact, I'm not sure if true love even really exists. Just sayin'.

What the Possum?

This one's for all of you people out there who think that all animals are cute, cuddly, and sweet. I submit to you the picture to the right. This animal is a possum, and it is neither cute, cuddly, or sweet, despite what that ridiculously cute little girl might think. That possum is about to try and bite her hand off! How is that cute? It isn't. Is that cuddly? I don't think so. Is it sweet to bite off a cute little girl's hand? I submit that it is not. In fact, I strongly submit that it is not. I've noticed that this misplaced liking for animals that many people have does not stop at possums, which are dirty, disgusting, and vicious creatures. No, people have endearing feelings for all kinds of animals, and I would like to put some of those feelings of endearment to rest so that the poor misguided souls who are feeling attached to these animals don't get their hands bitten off out of ignorance.

1. Cats

Now, you may be saying, "But Cliff, what's so wrong with cats? They're nice, right?" Well, let me set the record straight. Cats are not nice, but are, in fact, small, raging balls of pure and burning EVIL! I know lots of people think of cats like this:

That is not what cats are really like. No, cats are really more like this:

Does that guy look cute, cuddly or sweet? I didn't think so. He looks evil, he looks wet, and he looks like he wants to tear off your face and wear it to town, something that I do not desire to have done to me in the least. That being the case, I steer clear of cats as much as possible.

2. Cows

I don't know what misguided notion gave people the idea that cows are cute, cuddly, or sweet, but I assure all of you, having grown up around cows, that they are not, and that they deserve every bit of slaughtering for us to eat that they get. They deserve it. Just their mere stupidity assures that they were created for us to eat. Now, when many people think of cows, they think of this:

Now, while she is cute, at the moment, even I will admit that she's pretty cute. However, keep in mind that most cows, in fact, all cows, look like this when they grow up:

Yeah, scary and not cute, or cuddly, and it would gore you to death before even thinking, in fact, it can't think. That is definitely not cute. That being said, I think I've made my case. If anyone thinks that this guy is cute, I submit that their cute muscles are broken. Like, really broken.

That's all I have to talk about right now. If you have any other questions about animals that you think are cute, cuddly, or sweet, go ahead and put them in the comments. I will be happy to post on them later on. With that, I conclude this post. This is Captain Danger. Out.

Bear with Swords for Fangs Driving a Dump Truck

It's hard to explain just what is awesome about this picture. Granted, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it is still amazing. First of all, how did that bear get swords for fangs? It doesn't make a lot of sense and is probably really convenient, but I'll bet they come in really handy in a fight. I'll bet he's learned how to bend his head back really far, and then he can take out the enemy bears really easy. Second of all, how did he get into that dump truck? I mean, I've discussed before how a bear can get into a taxi, but I'm not sure how he'd manage to get into a dump truck. They're a lot taller and there are substantially fewer fat delicious-looking guys in dump trucks. Plus, how is he managing to drive said dump truck? I don't think that bears really have the level of intelligence required to drive a dump truck. I mean, some bears a smart, especially black bears, which, according to Jim Halpert, are better than grizzly bears. However, this bear looks more like a grizzly than a black bear. That aside from that, I don't think that even a black bear could drive a dump truck. I'm don't know how to drive a dump truck, and while I'm pretty sure I could figure it out, it would be tricky and definitely much too tricky for a bear to drive. So, that's basically what I have to say about this picture. I think that this guy needs to be watched out for, then sedated, and then questioned, because it is definitely a highly suspicious situation. This is Cliff Chandler--out.

There Comes a Time...

As they say, there comes a time when we must choose between what is easy, and what is awesome. Being awesome isn't something that just happens, it's a privilege, something to be used for the good of others, much like Dr. Octavius's philosophy on intelligence in Spiderman 2 (an excellent movie). Allow me to share a few ways that we can use our awesomeness for the good of mankind. Those blessed few of us who are awesome can't just proverbially hide our awesomeness under a proverbial bushel. We have to let it shine! The list that follows is by no means comprehensive, but it is a few good suggestions.

1. Looking attractive.

While being devilishly handsome (like me) is not necessary to being awesome, it doesn't hurt, and I've found that there are few people who, when they dress up all smart, similar to how I'm dressed up in the picture on the right, that don't look attractive, whether they be male, or female dressed in the female equivalent to a suit or whatever. Anyway, that is one excellent way to spread

awesomeness. People in your presence when you look this good can't help but to soak up just a little bit of the awesomeness that you are exuding.

2. Being Confident

While confidence is an important part of looking attractive, it is an integral part of being awesome, and also a great way to spread awesomeness. The less awesome can sense you confidence in yourself, in the fact that you can do what you set out to do, in the fact that you are awesome. This confidence can sometimes spread to others, if they are receptive, and make them just a little more awesome, possibly giving them a little bit of the gift that we, the especially awesome, have in abundance.

3. Being Hardcore

Is this part of the post just a chance for me to show off? Maybe. That is irrelevant. However,

when you do awesome crap and take pictures, which you show to people, or tell people all about it, they can't help but feel your awesomeness just seeping in their direction. Whether they use their proverbial awesome cup and scoop it up, applying it to their own lives, is their choice, but if you are spreading awesomeness by being hardcore and telling people about it, or even taking said less awesome people to do the hardcore things (this almost has to make them more awesome), you can't be held accountable for them not becoming more awesome.

By following the three preceding steps, you can be a large part of making the world a more awesome place, or at least making your general vicinity a more awesome place. Let your light so shine, and have a glorious day. This is Captain Danger out.

A Reminder

I just thought that everyone should know that, while I may be tired lately, I've put on some weight, I sometimes grow my beard for days at a time and look like a slob (though, I really think that I look rugged when I do that), and sometimes I wear my hood like a doofus, all of that considered, I am still awesome. I remain the picture of danger, power, attractiveness, chivalry, self-esteem, skill, and, overall, just plain awesomeness. Feel free to bask in it all you like. Remember, there is no charge for awesomeness, or attractiveness. That's all I have to say. This is Captain Danger, out.

Holy Crap!

Going along with my usual fixation with everything dangerous, I give you the glorious tidbit at the left. A bear in a taxi? What the crap? According to the web site I found this picture on, it is in Russia. That explains it a little bit. Those Russians come up with some crap that's almost as crazy as some Japanese crap. (No offense to anyone who is Russian or Japanese) Anyway, I, Cliff Chandler, Captain Danger, the one, the only, the amazing, will endeavor, once again, to explain the picture in question. It may be long, it may be hard, but when has that ever stopped me? And DON'T say, "All the time." I'll kill you. Anyway, here goes!

So, this taxi is driving by the zoo and he sees a whole bunch of people running out and screaming in Russian. "БЛИН!!!!" they yelled. "Существует медведь сыпучих!!!!" For any Russians reading this, I'm sure that's wrong, I just picked it up from Google Translate. Anyway, the cab driver didn't think much of it, because he had just moved to Russia from England was was just learning Russian, and words like "bear" and "loose" didn't make a lot of sense to him. However, he did see a chance to make some money, because these people looked like they were in a hurry and could really use a ride in a taxi. He pulled up to the curb, rolled down the automatic passenger window, and said, "Hey, you want a ride?" Now, the people running out of the zoo didn't really know English, but what he meant was obvious, so a couple of the people made for the cab, including a particularly delicious-looking (to a bear) fat guy. Just as they started opening the back door of the cab, a bear came lolloping out of the zoo, it's eyes on the delicious-looking fat guy, and increased its speed. Now, as I can testify from personal experience, fat guys are not only usually slow, they are also typically clumsy. So, as he was getting into the taxi, his pant leg caught on the door, and he said, "Подождите, я застрял!" The taxi driver didn't understand what he meant, but, looking back and seeing his predicament, he figured the fat guy was saying something to the effect of, "Wait, I'm stuck!" In the mean time, the bear had gotten closer, and just as the fat guy had freed himself, clambered into the back seat, and gotten his hand on the door handle, the bear was upon him. It jumped bodily into the back seat, hitting the other side, and rocking the car, causing the door to shut. The taxi driver, when he saw the bear jumping in, had slammed on the gas, but had hit it too late, and so the bear was in the back of his car to stay. The bear proceeded to gobble up the poor delicious-looking fat guy, and the driver, not knowing what else to do, continued to drive, afraid to stop and draw attention to himself by getting out of the cab. To his surprise, when the bear finished eating the delicious-looking guy, he proceeded to stick its head out of the back window (which had been rolled down) like a dog. That's how this picture came to be. What the viewer of the picture doesn't see, however, is how the taxi driver saved himself. Seeing the way this bear was acting, he saw an opportunity. Remember that he's driving on the wrong side of the road (we Americans drive on the correct side, and everyone else is wrong, obviously). He saw an oncoming bus, and, steeling himself, got as close as was possible. It took of his side-view mirror, but it also took off the bear's (whose eyes were watering in the wind so he couldn't see) head and shoulders. It's like someone had taken his dandruff shampoo and filled the bottle with highly corrosive acid instead. Then the cab driver stopped, removed the bear's butt from his taxi, and then went home and washed it off. He got his mirror replaced the next day.

In short, make sure to be cool and calm in all situations. You'll come off better.